A
female
age
36-40,
*eccamega
writes:I was seeing my boy for almost a year. Then he dumped me out of the blue, for no reason. He knew I was in love with him. He dumped me by text and insulted me. I would never cheat and I was a great girlfriend. Its been 4 months since the breakup and I haven't heard from him even once. I'm still mad. Everything was great
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (6 November 2010):
Hi. He does not deserve you at all.
Good riddence to bad rubbish.
You are better off without him.
A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (5 November 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello I forgot to add that if it wasn't bad enough being dumped out of the blue. He then followed it by "I should've dumped you a long time ago". What an asshole
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (31 October 2010):
Hi. That's really wise.
All that you have said is true, and it's good you are keeping in mind what he did to you. Don't let yourself forget.
You're on the right track.
I really believe that you are now ready to move on.
Good luck in your future. Take care and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (31 October 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey I seriously doubt that he will ask for forgiveness and ask to get back together. Its been several months and I haven't even heard from him once. He'd seriously have to change and I can't see that happening. I'd have to go with my head and never go back to him. Coz he left me that easily and callously. I don't want to go through that again. As much as I miss him, I told my mum never to let me get back together with him. It seems getting back with an ex rarely ever works out. And they only seem to get back when they're in between girlfriends and lonely. Or whoever they dumped you for, it didn't work out with them. He hurt me horribly and had no remorse
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (30 October 2010):
Hi. Ok then, letters do take a lot of time - possibly hours to get down on paper all that you are thinking. So forgetting about doing that, probably is a wise move.
Choosing instead to improve your life generally, is a very positive step.
Then if you bump into him or any of his friends - be happy, positive, carefree and saying that everything is going just fine! Like what I was saying in one of my previous postings - "Hi! How's Things?" Then telling him (or his friends), that you have to be somewhere, and can't stop to talk.
If you did happen to see either him or his friends, don't say you have a boyfriend - don't even hint at it. Don't lie, is what I mean. Whether you do or not when that time comes, is irrelevant. You only want him to think that you do. If he or they ask (which they probably won't), just say that you you don't discuss your private life with anyone. But be nice and respectful, when you do.
The idea is, you want him to know that you have moved on from him and are not looking back.
The other thing you have to seriously consider is, what if over time he came back on the scene again begging for forgiveness. What would you do?
If he said he had been thinking about what he did to you, and how badly he behaved and that it was wrong, would you forgive him and go back with him?
This is a question only you can answer.
The reason I ask this question, is it's possible that could happen, so it's something you have to think about, just in case. You don't want to be caught off guard if it does happen.
If he did catch you unawares, and you were feeling that everything was going fantastic in your life, you might just forget what he did, and go back with him.
Don't put yourself in that situation.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (30 October 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey I think I won't bother with the letter. He probably won't even read it. I'm going to try and improve my life instead
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (28 October 2010):
Hi. It sounds like a good idea, the letter.
The only thing is, you won't be there when he reads it to get his reaction.
But you could still do it, just the same. I guess he probably would read it.
But certainly anyway, do my previous suggestion (that's if you see either him or any of his friends), saying that things are going just great! But of course, no details - just hinting at (rather than actually saying anything).
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (27 October 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey someone also suggested to me to write him a letter agreeing with the breakup. And then saying all the things I've done since the breakup and saying how happy I am now.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (27 October 2010):
Hi. Great idea.
Perhaps you are more likely to run into his friends than to run into him. It's the next best thing.
It will have the same affect, I'm quite sure.
Don't lose your nerve. Do it for sure.
The news will definitely get back to him, so he'll know.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (27 October 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx for you reply. A friend suggested a similar thing to me. I will do it if I run into him. But the odds of running into him are slim. I will do it if I run into his best friends aswell. They tell each other EVERYTHING
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (27 October 2010):
Hi. Ok then, I know what you mean. I kind of thought you might have meant that, but I wasn't sure.
Well if you know the areas he hangs out at in his free time, you could happen to walk towards him in the street, and say - "Hi! How's things?" Keep it simple. A big smile, be happy and light hearted, as if life is going absolutely fantastic for you.
You don't have to be with a guy at the time, just by yourself and in a happy, positive mood. He will simply assume that things are going great with you now and that you have no regrets that you're not with him anymore.
You don't have to be with a guy when you see him, just the fact that you are happy and cheerful, will make him believe that you must have someone else. Because you seem so positive about everything. You know what I mean. It's like it's implied that you are now taken.
If you do see him in the street when you are out at sometime, do this but then keep on walking after the initial greeting. Say - "I'm sorry, but I can't stop and talk right now, I have to be somewhere" (and no details). Or at least give the indication that you are off on your way somewhere, and in a slight hurry (perhaps to meet someone). It's more the suggestion of the possibility, that will get him thinking.
You see you want him to think that you already have someone else. He's not to know. But let him think that.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (26 October 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI found out after we broke up that my ex is known for being single and fickle. Ours is the longest relationship he's had.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (26 October 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi this isn't what I meant because I know it would justifiy our breakup even more, if I sought revenge. What I mean is I want to run into him, looking fantastic with another bloke. And act cold to my ex. To hurt his ego and see I've moved on
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (25 October 2010):
Hi. I understand how you must feel, and most women would feel that very same way.
However, revenge is taking the low road.
For one reason, even if you lowered his tyres and removed the air valves - which would make him angry, the situation would still be the same. It's still over.
It'd be a good trick, that's for sure. Because of the missing air valves (which keeps the air in the tyres), he can't just pump them up at the service station. He will have to walk somewhere to an auto spares store, to actually buy them. Either walk or get someone else to drive him there if it's not close to where he lives.
Then do it again in another week. But then leave it after that, and call it quits.
Many, many years ago I went out with a guy, who just was very casual with me. There were no mobiles or internet back then (I'm talking about the mid 1970's). He didn't really seem to care much about getting to know me and not really many phone calls. He wasn't really a boyfriend, just seeing each other and sex - not really any substance to it. There wasn't any love by me towards him. Then the inevitable time came, when the phone calls just stopped completely, so it was just over. My situation which is common even now, was the phone calls just stopping and no more contact or seeing each other. So I was angry a bit, because of that.
All these things were going through my mind I could do. What I was thinking of doing at the time was, I had actually bought one of those blank generic occasion cards, and had started writing a whole pile of stuff in there about what I was feeling, and I changed it slightly and bought another identical card, to re-write it with different wording. I probably spent of good couple of hours writing then re-writing etc. It felt great putting it all down on paper, it really did. I was going to put it in his letterbox, rather than post it. He lived in the eastern suburbs and I lived in the south/west of sydney. About 45 minutes apart, so I was never going to run into him anyway.
Then all of a sudden as I was writing the second re-written card letter, I had a thought - "This just isn't worth it. He's not worth the trouble. It's a complete waste of time and it won't change anything anyway." So I tore the cards up and threw them both away, and instead decided to just accept what happened and move on. I never once looked back from that point on.
When thinking about getting revenge on someone, there comes a time as you are considering your course of action where a thought comes to you - "What do I really hope will happen now?" And "Do I hope to get him back?" And "What do I really want to achieve from all this?" And "Once he reads it, would he want to come back to me?"
The other downside of revenge is, because you are no longer seeing him, and may never run into him at the local shopping centre, it's very unlikely that you will ever get to know how he reacted to it (the letter, I mean). You would only be guessing, so it's not very satisfying. With the 4 flat tyre routine, you wouldn't be there at the very moment he came out and saw his car with 4 completely flat tyres. All you could do is just imagine what he might do.
Well, if you knew what time he left for work each morning, you could be casually driving past about that time and see the extremely surprised look he gets on his face - with his eyebrows up near the ceiling!! Shock and Horror. Then jumping around cursing and swearing, because of the extreme hassle. It'd be pretty funny, don't you think?
Let's face it, he deserves it! Just a thought anyway.
I thought I'd mention the letter, because I did have first hand life experience with that, because I was seriously at the time considering actually doing it. Even now, I know I did the right thing in my heart in deciding against following through with it. I have no regrets whatsoever.
So consequently, I had decided to take the high path.
But if you are really hell bent on revenge, the 4 flat tyres and removed air valves is an easy one. The removal of the air and valves can be quite noisy because of the loud hissing of the air as it escapes. So pick your times to do that, if you want to take that path. I don't think you could do it quietly, not sure about that.
I am interested at how your thinking progresses on this, as time goes by.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): Don't go for revenge you're better than that, you're a good person, keep telling yourself that. My last girlfriend cheated on me and I wanted revenge. Because I made her Facebook page for her and knew her login & password, I was going to reek havoc! But I didn't. Even 18 months after I am still tempted but I'm a grown man and it would be just immature. Hopefully karma will catch up with him.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (25 October 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think he cheated becuae everything was fine before we broke up. And why else dump me in such a cruel way? He didn't even have a reason at first. How lame! And I haven't even heard from him once since we split. No aplogy or anything. I want revenge
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (25 October 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey yeah I was really happy, thats why its been difficult for me. We rarely fought. I did have time to pursue other interests during the week. I only saw him on weekends, so I was far from clingy. I don't think I would feel differently if he was on his own. It was still really callous and cowardly what he did. If I did something that annoys him, he should have just told me in the first place. Instead of saying nothing and then dumping me. I think his excuse is a cop out.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (25 October 2010):
Hello again. It's hard to say, it might not be that he cheated on you at all.
Up until the breakup, were you both genuinely happy?
Did you ever fight?
Did you have some time apart to pursue your own interests during the week?
Or were you always together (except for work), every day and night?
Unless you followed him (which I don't recommend), you won't ever know the real reason for the breakup. you are only assuming it's that he has cheated. You don't know for sure.
Would you feel any different if you found that he is on his own?
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (25 October 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx I will try this, but I wish I could phone him and tell him! He must have cheated. I wish she would dump him! Its not fair that he's with someone else, while I got cheated on and I'm alone
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (24 October 2010):
Hi again. Perhaps you could send him that message telepathically.
It's hard to explain it to someone who doesn't know.
It's like you are talking to him telling him what you think about what he did to you.
When you do this, you do it when you are alone - say at home - and you are speaking directly to his mind, even though he's not there with you in the house. It does send the message through to him (via the Universe).
Another way which is the same sort of thing is, to write a letter to him (which you do not send).
It's basically putting all your thoughts down on paper, and tell him everything that bugs you about his behaviour.
Once you have read it over from start to finish, then you just burn it.
It's a spiritual course of action, they say that the message gets through to that person who it's written for - directly.
Sometimes, people do this when someone has hurt them, but that person is no longer alive. The idea then, is to forgive them in the letter and letting them know how they hurt you when they were alive.
It brings peace to the letter writer. Peace is what you need.
It's a kind of purging of all those negative feelings, by writing them down on paper. It's a release from the burden of carrying them around with you.
Please try it. It does help, I have tried it myself.
When you do write the letter, after saying what he did, tell him that you are very angry with him, then go on to forgive him for it, once and for all, and that you are going to move on now.
You will feel much better, I promise.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (24 October 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to tell him what a gutless asshole he really is
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (24 October 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx again Dorothy. I'm not in a hurry to get into another relationship after this! I must have been cheated on. He is friends with an ex girlfriend, but he won't even talk to me! It is sad, I really loved this guy and I don't fall in love easily.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (24 October 2010):
Hello again. You are right, it won't be easy to get over it. But get over it you must do, to move on.
You are going to go through a kind of grieving process, as well as anger, and there will be times when you feel like crying. When you do feel that way, just go with it (go somewhere you can have some privacy), and cry your eyes out.
Remember grief is a form of stress, and crying will always make you feel a bit better afterwards. Don't be afraid to let your feelings out. Of course, pick your places - at home is perfect, or if you can go off somewhere by yourself when you're out - go ahead and do it.
It's always better to allow your feelings to come out, rather than bottling them up - which is not healthy. You might go through this process for a few weeks, even though it's been 4 months now and you say you are still angry. Anger can also be released from your soul by tears.
Don't be in a hurry to try finding another guy to take his place, that usually doesn't work. It's a rebound relationship - not a good idea. That's like saying - "Anyone is better than no-one. I just want someone!"
Please don't go down that path. More problems - more unhappiness.
In fact, now and for maybe a few months, get to know yourself better and start having fun again on a regular basis. Don't even think about wanting another boyfriend just yet. That time is not now.
What's happened here is your self-esteem has taken a severe battering, so it's important to start feeling good about yourself once again and to start believing that you deserve to have the best in life that you possibly can. Also, that you will accept nothing less than the best and refuse to be taken for granted or treated badly ever again. Don't just settle for.
Try in the meantime, to completely take your focus right off him by distracting your thoughts away from it altogether. To do this, start making your life interesting and exciting, meeting your friends and going out a little bit with them and start to enjoy life more. Fill your life with fun activities as much as you can.
Your anger and tears will become less over time, as you adjust your life and fill it with fun, happiness and fulfilment.
Remember to be in a relationship, isn't the only type of happiness.
Your life can be whatever you want it to be. The more effort you put into it, the more enjoyment you get out of it.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (24 October 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx for your replys. Ive made it to 4 months without even contacting him once. So I know I can make it to another 4 months and so on. It just hurts so much that the person I loved so much would be so callous.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): what a gutless, irrisponsible, cold hearted prick! obviously he's seeing someone else. sever all contacts with him and if he ever contacts you, let him have it. keep telling yourself that you're a better person than he is and he doesn't deserve you. the best way to get over someone is not talk to them at all or have anything that reminds you of them. it is hard, i know but it will make you stronger.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (23 October 2010):
Hi there. That's not uncommon for some guys to text a goodbye to their girlfriends. It's a lousy and gutless way to breakup that's for sure.
Why would he do that? You said things were good between you before that.
He must be very restless in his life and doesn't know what he wants.
But in any case, if a guy did that to me, I wouldn't want to even know him after that. Even if he came back begging and apologising. There would always be that nagging doubt - "What if he does it again?" He would never be given the chance.
You deserve better than that. Consider yourself lucky you are rid of him. Even as much as you liked/loved him, he is simply not worth the pain he has caused you.
Try to not be angry about what he did, as hard as it will be. Just accept it, otherwise it will poison you inside. Believe me, it's his loss - not yours. Believe that, because it's true.
There is someone much better out there in the world for you, who will treat you with all the love and respect that you truly deserve. This special young man will make you truly happy.
Take care and best wishes.
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