A
female
age
41-50,
*liana
writes:I need men's advices.My boyfriend with whom I have been with for 6 great months dumped me 3 days ago because I decided to be honest and admit I had lied to him regarding my past sexual history (I told him I had slept with 10 guys instead of 13). I told him I was sorry, these guys treated me badly and I felt ashamed to tell him. I would like to precise that he has not been honest regarding other aspects of his past relationships (he told me he dumped 2 ex GF but then admitted they dumped them, mentioning "but this is not important").I am extremely sad and wondering if he was really in love with me. Would you dump your GF you're in love with because she slightly lied on her sexual history and then tell you the whole truth after a few months? It's not like if I had hidden 30 other men! What are a few months compared to a whole like we could spend together..?Many thanks,
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female
reader, HU(wo)MAN  +, writes (17 June 2010):
A little off the original topic but in response to fellini: Why is it assumed that sexual women have no self-respect?? Isn't it a natural thing to want to have sex? Why are sexual men considered to be macho studs?? Seems like a double-standard.
I agree with you on this: we all want to feel special. No one, man or woman, wants to be with someone who has slept around a lot. But why is it so much more acceptable for the men to do so, why do women just have to accept that?? And please, spare me the evolutionary cave man explanation. We are civilized people, I should hope that we are no longer going around clubbing and raping women!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): Yep, a lie is a lie mate. I've done the same actually. Trust dissappear and gone are the feelings. Very likely ur bf was looking at a tong term relationship ...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): OMG why do you even discuss how many men you have been with....isn't that a little tacky. Iv been with 7 men (im 30) but I just dont talk about it because...well its none of my partners bloody buisness. Nor do I want to know how many people he has slept with, I just dont care. before we were together we both had checkups (all clear) and thats good enough for me!
Men who have an obsession with how many guys a woman has been with are wastes of space with inferiority complexes in my opinion. A good example of this is the post by(blatant disregard). was he your boyfriend lol his post made me cringe
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A
male
reader, fellini1973 +, writes (28 September 2009):
I can honestly say that it is true about men and knowing "the true number" of their g/f, wive's past amount of lovers. I know that there are alot of women out there that are gonna say that it is none of our business to know the truth. But it is! No man wants a woman that has slept around with numerous men. To us men that sounds like she didnt really care and wasnt selective enough to be more prudent of who she just "gave it out" to anyone and everyone. I am not saying that we men want virgins (although that would be great)...But what we are saying is that in essence , we dont want a woman that has been so sexually liberal & that it really didnt matter to her how or to who she did it with. Theres thing thing called self-respect & its a shame that in todays society, it dimishes more and more each day. If I can give all you women out there advice, it would be to be more prudent of who you choose to sleep with. Have some respect for yourself & maybe someday you wont have this problem of men asking yu how many sexual partners you had! And then you wont have to lie! PEACE!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): That's a pity, you're better off anyway, that guy sounds far too uptight.
FYI: Male anon, you haven't a clue what you're talking about, I suggest you study a little bit about the history of women.
The notion of a woman having multiple partners as a social norm in western society is a very new concept and is not yet accepted by all. Or have you never heard of women having to be virgins to get married? The womans word wasn't the only thing we had to go on, there are many cultures that still check girls for a hymen before they're allowed to marry. Your reply has absolutely no basis in reality.
Sexual history is not an important issue in my opinion unless the woman has gotten a disease or a baby from her past sexual exploits.
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A
female
reader, Aliana +, writes (26 September 2009):
Aliana is verified as being by the original poster of the question He never came back :(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): For guys, there are no "slight" lies about sexual history. There is honest and there is dishonest.
We are men. We've been built the same way for millions of years. When a caveman wife told our ancestor that she was pregnant and demanded that he start working every day to feed & protect and clothe this child, how did our ancestor know it's really his kid? For millions of years we males have never and ANYTHING to go on except our woman's word. NOTHING ELSE.
This means that we really have a thing about being able to trust our woman's word about her sexual habits. This is as vital to us as any other reproductive urge like wanting an attractive partner or protecting our own family. It hurts the hell out of us to know that a woman has lied to us about who she was screwing at any time, ever. Either we can trust her or we can't. Anything else and we might be wasting 20 years of our life over one of the "little white lies."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): At your age, I don't think the number of men you have had sex with is any one's business but your own. I think of sexual history as significant relationships, or if there was something that might be considered kinky or unusual, but other than that, I don't understand why he needed to know the number...I bet his was much higher.
If someone is going to judge you that harshly on your past, then it is best not to be with them, what else would he have found he didn't like about you, the number of shoes you have or bought before you met him. He knew you were not a virgin, you were a sexually experienced women. If I were him it would have been more important to know how many times you have been in love and what happened for it not to work out with those people, if you had any bitterness about your past and those sorts of things, you know ghosts in the closet and baggage to deal with, but a number? Geez....it isn't like it was a 100.
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A
female
reader, Aliana +, writes (4 September 2009):
Aliana is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for your answers. I didn't want to mention these 3 guys because they behaved badly and my ex BF wanted to know about my sexual history very early in our relationship, like after 5 dates. For me it was to early because I hardly knew him and I chose not to mention these guys because I would not have felt at ease to talk about it to someone I had seen 5 times in my life.My ex BF kept telling me he didn't care about the numbers of guys I had slept with so why did he ask it so early? It's a intimate subject that should be discussed when there is confidence between the partners..
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (4 September 2009):
 Its a gross over-reaction. He sounds very insecure. You are probably better off without him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): This is a tough question because for me it would depend on the reason you lied about it, 10 and 13 is insignificant in terms of numbers of sexual partners, so really there was no need to lie about it.
Yos is right in saying that most guys see sexual history as being important, I understand why too (competition, purity etc.), but I think it's just stupid, personally I wouldn't care if my girlfriend had 10 or 100 lovers before me.
Lying would bother me a hell of a lot but in reality it's not something that couldn't be resolved through talking, so I'm afraid he might have been looking for an excuse to break up with you.
I don't understand why you would lie when it's only three in the difference. For future reference unless you meet a guy like me that doesn't care, it's best not to say a speicific number, "over 10, less than 20" kind of vague answer is best.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 September 2009):
 "Would you dump your GF you're in love with because she slightly lied on her sexual history and then tell you the whole truth after a few months"
Sadly the answer to this is yes. It's probably because he was in love with you that it hurt so much to be lied to about this. Most women underestimate the importance of their sexual history to most men. For many men this is a huge issue and has to be very carefully communicated. Many problems can arise, but lying once creates doubt that the 'truth' will ever be told, resulting in ones imagination going to some pretty terrible places.
You might be able to reconcile with him. Just understand that male and female feelings and rationality on this issue are VERY different and it's almost impossible to really grasp the others' point of view on this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): I'm a man and i would have done the same. He probably thinks it was 30 men. You need to learn to tell the truth if you want to be accepted for who you are. Your past was very important for him and the fact that you lied shows that you cannot be trusted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): I'm a woman but it seems like he used this as an excuse to end things. It's no big deal and he could have shown more understanding. I'd say there is no need to reveal exactly the extent of your past lovers to any new man in your life.
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