A
female
age
36-40,
*enada846
writes:My bf of six months just broke up with me and I am devasted - to begin with I don't know how to deal with the fact that I am turning 30 in three months and still alone- he broke up over a text message because we don't see things eye to eye- meaning besides doing everything he wanted for the last six months (including hanging out with his buddies on date night ) he wanted to also be left alone. I spoke up finally two weeks ago and said I have t seen you in two weeks and he broke up via text and couldn't even pick up my phone calls - I don't understand - did j miss the warning signs ? He asked me out with two weeks into knowing me and introduced me to his whole family within the third month- he was always very quiet so when I was upset I never spoke up until two weeks ago - I kept it inside. He isn't very communicative at all and when I demanded an explanation he just said well I have 300k in loans I have to fix things around the house I can't stop my life- even though he makes sure to see his buddies twice a week on top of bringing them on date nights- We're these red flags of an u stable person? We didn't even have sex and he asked to be in a relationship- and I went above and beyond- my stuff is still at his house so I don't believe its a womanhe also has three guns in the house and never really explained why he carries one when I asked why and looked paranoid I get he is selfish but im crushed - my stuff is still there
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 June 2016):
 Denada846,
You chosen screen name and your post indicate that you have low self esteem. I feel that this is a more important problem than this current breakup, or your age.
You are free of this lead weight now. It's time to work on yourself and get ready for a much more balanced relationship in the future.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 June 2016):
 He DID tell you why . Because he's got 300k to pay back - implying that he needs time to work or hustle to get eventually debt free ; because he's got to fix things around the house, and because he can't , in fact won't , stop his life for you.
What he meant , by his words and more so by his actions, his that a relationship is not his personal priority and he is not willing to make a special effort to accomodate the needs of a partner. Therefore, if he can fit you in his schedule and in the frame of his life exactly as it is now, buddies included, fine and dandy - otherwise, if you have other demands, he'd rather you to be gone.
It may be, it is actually, a selfish , ego-centered reason, yet it is a reason nevertheless. It's easy to understand , not in the sense that it's easy to empathize with, but that it's not mysterious , there are plenty of people who reason like that, they want a relationship but they will be able to sustain it ONLY if it means " no sweat " for them.
Yes, you have missed the warning signs- not of instability, because in fact he sounds like one who is very set in his ways- but of what expectations he had from a relationship, that were quite different from yours, and in this he is correct, you do not see things eye to eye.
A bigger mistake than that, thought, was , allow me, to go "above and beyond "- you don't go " above and beyond " what is reasonable, and comfortable for you , just to hang on to a man, and even less in a new relationship when you are not even sure how serious you are mutually ( he wasn't ).
Relationships should not be about constant suppression of your own wants and needs. To steal a phrase often used by another Aunt :" never make a priority of someone for whom you are an optional ".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): Darling for starters you literally dodged a bullet here. be grateful that things ended now before it got too serious.
a guy who puts his own needs ahead of yours is already a red flag. And congratulations hat you are about to be 30 people find love at 50 so do not worry :)
yes it hurts now but in a few months it will get better . just give it time to heal. Live your life you will find someone who treats the way you deserve . you will see :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): Get your belongings from his house, and move on. You'll get over him. He dumped you because you're not compatible, and all the things you've described that he does proves it.
Being lonely is not a reason to hang-on to a relationship; even when you see nothing is working out for you. Six months isn't enough time to be that into someone; you're both still pretty much in the introductory stage of the relationship.
You said you've kept quiet when he does things you don't like. That doesn't make sense. You don't wait until someone annoys you so much that you lose it. He doesn't seem to show any qualities of a good boyfriend. You don't take your buddies on a date with your girlfriend. That's stupid!
To be honest with you, you haven't really had enough time to bond and really solidify a relationship. That takes time. Therefore; it shouldn't take you that long to get over it.
It's only natural that you're hurt by the rejection, embarrassed, and your ego is bruised. Pull it together, and show your maturity. Collect your dignity. Call and ask him to allow you to get your things. Do not plead, or nag. Get a male family-member to go with you to get your things. Stay quiet, do not attempt to talk to him, and do not instigate any trouble. Just get your things, and go.
Being too needy is an indication you're not ready to handle an adult-relationship. Your emotions are out of control, and you're coming across too desperate.
Girlfriend, he's not worth it.
Once you're away from him, your emotions will fall back in-line. That's often what it takes. That, and some time to absorb the fact you have separated. You shouldn't allow this to make you panic. Desperation will force you to make bad decisions. So give yourself some time alone to allow your emotions to purge a little; then pull yourself together.
Stop worrying about turning 30 and the future. You're living in the present, and that's what you should be dealing with. Once you've got your things, go no contact, and have nothing more to do with him. He's not that into you, and he has shown you that consistently for the past six months. He's not the last man on earth, and letting him go doesn't mean you'll never find another.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 June 2016):
 You knew that him being not available and being broke were warning signs, but you ignored them because you thought having a boyfriend was better than nothing. He, on the other had, should never had started a relationship but I guess he wanted to show his family and friends that he's able to get one. You did nothing wrong. Success at relationship is more than avoiding mistakes and being accommodating. Money is important. Without it, you can't do anything or plan for the future. I bet he has guns because he's living in a rough neighborhood and he needs to protect himself. If he didn't reassure you that you just had to be patient until he fixes financial situation, that means he still stuck in a deep hole and he doesn't have a 5 year or 10 year planned out. If you have 2 degrees and are doing well in your career, you are out of his league and he doesn't feel good about that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): He sounds pretty self centred and callous to dump you by text. This is his issue not yours. If he acts like a jerk yes it stings but get your stuff and move on quickly
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2016):
 I wouldn't call him unstable. I would call him unrealistic, perhaps.
In the future, don't go ABOVE and BEYOND for a BF. IT sets a precedence you will regret later on. Having a standard is always a good thing. So don't SUCK it up to try and keep a guy. And don't tiptoe around on egg-shells because you don't want to seem pushy.
I think he realized that having a relationship is not what he wants or needs right now. So dumping you was the right thing to do, you shouldn't be strung along by someone who doesn't WANT a relationship with you. It was kind of un-classy to do it over text, but that might be how HE is.
I'd send him a text and arrange for a day you can come pick up your stuff and after that day? You block him on everything and move on.
You age should not have anything to do with it. Unless you started to date HIM out of desperation, that is NEVER a good way to find someone.
If someone after 6 months can see it isn't going somewhere, breaking up is the right thing to do. Doesn't mean it hurts less.
And really, dating someone who isn't making you a priority is a red flag on both ends.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 June 2016):
 He's not unstable, he just was NOT into you and accepted what you gave him as long as it fit his needs.
Once you got "demanding" he dumped you. It's his issue and his bad behavior not a reflection of you.
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