A
female
age
36-40,
*hatgothgirl20
writes:Wow. Where do I begin? When I was younger I was raped. Then later on in my life I was molested twice. Then at 17 a 38 year old from the church that I used to go to since middle school tried to have sex with me. My mom french kissed me when I was little, and I've had a nightmare/nightmares about my own grandpa doing stuff to me. I am on an antidepressant now called, "Lexapro" and it has been helping me some. I keep trying to get up with this one place to get therapy, but it is taking time to get a hold of them. I have a VERY difficult time trusting anybody, and I honestly believe that the only One I trust at this time is God, or maybe God and myself. Anyways, me and my bf have been going out for 8 months, but I keep "second-guessing" him, according to him, and I keep having difficulties trusting him. He smokes, and one day we got into a fight over that, just because he didn't want to come out and be honest with me that the ones he was smoking had nicotine. If he had just admitted it, I would've been fine, and just been like, well okay he relapsed. But he kept giving me the runaround I would say stuff like well how would you feel if I lied to you? And he said it depends on what. He had forgotten that months ago he made me his accountability partner. I just want him to be more honest with me, and at the same time I want to be able to trust him more. When he's told me he's relapsed before, I've just been like "Alright." Not that I condoned it, but I knew that he was having a hard time. I hold things in and then wait to clear them up sometimes, and part of it is, because I worry about his reaction. Like today, I was making sure he wasn't trying to restrain me, and he gave me a sarcastic answer, like "Well I'm not holding you now, am I?" I confronted him about this, and he was all, "I'm tired of you second guessing me. It's starting to piss me off." Then I cried and I ended up feeling like he needs to have someone else besides me as his gf, someone who can trust him more. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in 2005, and I tend to have "warped" views of the world. I view all men as potential rapists, and last night when I was around some guys I didn't know, I started getting chest pains out of the blue. I have tried to commit suicide three or more times in my life. The first time was when I was a child, and I just sensed that more bad things were going to happen to me in the future, so I pulled out a knife from the drawer, but then put it back. In middle school I comtemplated hanging myself, and in 2005 I drank rubbing alcohol on purpose. I still think about suicide sometimes now, although now I would never do it. Sometimes I have morbid thoughts like, "If I were dead no man could f***ing use me then." I really have trouble trusting people, and until I am able to finally reach those people that I need to for therapy, I was wondering how I could trust my bf? I have symptoms of PTSD and sometimes I find myself talking to myself, trying to convince myself that I am not a victim at this moment in my life, etc. etc. Sometimes after he gets angry/impatient he will tell me, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." but I feel like he is breaking my heart, while at the same time I am probably breaking his. One time he told me to "Go ahead and feel sorry for myself" after I interpreted something he said about my past the wrong way, and he told me this while I was crying right there in front of him, and then later on to preserve the relationship, he told me he didn't know what he meant by what he said. I wish he wasn't so impatient about my trusting him, cos that makes me more untrusting when someone is impatient like that. It's like what, you want me to trust you now, so that you can fu**ing destroy me??? Like all the others tried to do, but failed at???? Idk, I'm starting to think that maybe I should spend the rest of my life alone. How can I find ways to trust him, before I finally go into therapy?
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (27 March 2008):
thatgothgirl20 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Every time I try to have therapy it either gets discontinued or I get referred. I am hoping that this place that I am applying for accepts me and lets me get therapy there for at least a year or two. I have added prayer in my life, in that I increase it by five minutes weekly, and now I am up to thirty minutes this week. I used to pray a lot to God, like sometimes hours in one day, but then I stopped doing that. I think I have symptoms of O.C.D. as well. I organize things based on the word, "rape" sometimes. "Oh I can't put this doll by that one, it'll rape her." Btw, what is PMD? I think that they could write a book on me too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): You have been through alot in life and I feel for you. I also have had a Doctor tell me that I slighty have Borderline Personality disorder. I realy don't think I do I just think Doctors slap out names of disorders like they slap out meds. I do however think I am a little Manic Depresive.Plus I have O.C.D and PMD and hyper active hell they could right a book on me! Your not alone and you ARE NOT CRAZY.If other people had to go through what you did they probly would fair a lot worse.Be positive.Life could be worse. I do think you should continue therapy this can help you alot. You need to worry and work on yoursef before you can worry about other people and thier problems.You will not spend the rest of your life alone when you get yourself together life will fall into place. Try to add Prayer in your life and stay away from all the bad things in life and you will be just fine. God Bless you and take care.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (26 March 2008):
thatgothgirl20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncorrection *CPTSD (instead of PTSD.) Anyways thanks for all your help peoples!
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A
female
reader, angy  +, writes (25 March 2008):
wow i feel exhausted reading your question! I think you really need to talk through your worries with the therapist and try and find ways to take your mind off all your issues or ways of dealing with things. Easier said than done i am absolutely sure but i feel you need to find some sort of happiness in yourself, some sort of peace with all the past and your feelings. You can't control you bf, if he can't stop smoking then that's his problem, simple as that, he can only stop when he feels he can. Although, I am concerned about him restraining you? Why???It's only my opinion but i feel that hearing about all your dark thoughts you should go with all the help being offered, talk to these therapists calmly about your feelings and worries and try opening up as they are there to help you make sense of everything. good luck and take care x
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