A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help!!I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years, we live together and are due to get married in a few months.However - I really dont know if I am doing the right thing!I do love him and he is a great guy - BUT - I just dont think that I am 'in love' with him.Is this just normal pre-wedding jitters - Or should I take some time out.We argue a lot - Usually over little things - But it is ruiting our relationship.Any advice??? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2007): The best answer i have heard to the "should i marry him/her" dilemma came from a pastor.. which is odd to because i tend to see a lack of logic in religions promotion of marriage. Anyway, the pastor suggests: when you start to question whether or not you have made the right decision in getting engaged. STOP. Breathe. Clear your mind. Then ask yourself, one last time, "should I marry this person?". If the answer "YES" is not echoing in your mind and soul.. he is not the one.
A
female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (28 April 2007):
 Besides questioning whether you should marry him, I think you also should question why you have been with him for so long as well. I will say this, if your NOT "in love" with him, I suggest not getting married and either post pone it to get your thoughts together or not get married at all. I did this as well, my gut told me NOT to marry him, but I did anyway because I had the wedding dress, the invitations were all mailed out, etc....and guess what, my gut was right!!!! We divorced 5 yrs later and during those 5 yrs, they were THE worst of my life! I really thought I loved him, however, many things come to mind NOW versus then of why I did it. One, he was a romantic/charmer, or so I thought - and yes, I loved it. Two, he was an alcoholic, found out during our marriage big time, he was REAL GOOD at keeping it from me, but I had some worries about this and did talk with him before we got married and he "assured" me that he did not "really" drink that much. Third, and here's the real zinger...I felt I was never going to marry. Mind you I was ONLY 24 when I met him and married at 25. This last one about feeling I was never going to get married has really been hard for me to admit...to anyone, but it's the truth. I have also been in another relationship where I thought I was going to get married, it was for 6 1/2 yr's and I am so glad that I didn't. (It would have been a repeat of #1) What I feel "I" have finally learned is that if a relationship is not healthy - in every which way, where both can be totally honest and communicate well with each other, have total trust in each other and both be your best friend and enjoy each other, love each other and show it/mean it, I feel the relationship would be doomed for failing. But that's me. I also have and probably still need time to "work" on myself before I can really think about getting involved with someone else for the moment. There will always be "small" disagreements in any relationship, and I believe that is normal. I have also accepted to agree...to disagree...what that someone may say. We all do not think the same way, it's just coming to some type of an agreement. All that can really be said, which is what many have already espressed to you, is to give yourself the time you need to really think this through. I just wanted to share my story with you and if any of this could be part of you or make sense to you, hopefully you will make the right decision. Keep us posted and good luck to you no matter what you decide. Take care.
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A
female
reader, floraltemptaions  +, writes (27 April 2007):
If your in doubt, take a weekend away to clear your head. Explain to your fiancee that you just need this time to yourself. He has to be understanding of this, and if he isnt, do you really think you could tough it for the long hall? Go to a hotel ( by yourself!), have some pamper time and reflect. By the end of the first day, you will feel refreshed and have a clearer mind to make your decision. DO you miss him after not seeing him for a whole day? Or do you feel happy to not have to make his dinner? Those little things in themselves should help you with your answer. And, about the arguements, you need to sit down with your partner to discuss WHY you argue. Make a decision to "Not sweat the small stuff" and pick your battles with the things that really matter...
Hope this helps! Keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, Keria +, writes (27 April 2007):
Hi there! This is very natural what you are feeling... but the problem is you are confusing LOVE with FEELING! Love is not a feeling! Read my response to What is Love over at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-your-definition-of-love.html
You see, dear, feelings come and go. Love is something you can determine to have. Is this person compatable with you? That's much more important "than do you feel like you are in love with him at the moment?"
What made you agree to marry him in the first place? If it was all on your feeling, then you are doomed to either a miserable life, or divorce (or both!) Don't ever marry based on a strong feeling! That's a shipwreck in the making.
Now make a decision: are you going to love this person? Yes or no.
Then decide if you can marry him.
I hope this helps! Good luck dear!
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A
female
reader, XXpussycatXX +, writes (27 April 2007):
please please dont get maried if ur having doubts it not fair to either of u, you could decide to get married and be totally unhappy you dont want that on the other hand you may be the happiest you have ever been,you need to speak to your fiancee and tell him that you are scared and that you need time to think of what you want he will respect you for being honest with him, you shouldnt go through with it if you are not happy it better telling him now than when it comes to the day and you stand him up at the altar and everybody wondering what has happened you will feel embaressed so if you sort it out now you can tell family and friends that you putting it on hold for a while hope i have made sense and helped you
good luck let us know how it went
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): If there's doubts now in your mind, there's no point in waiting til your married to voice these doubts!! I was the same as you, was with a guy 8 years, building a house, got engaged, and I just couldn't go thro with it! I loved him to pieces but as a friend/brother but not as a lover/husband!
By the sounds of it none of you are really happy in your relationship at the moment.... Give yourself some space and time to clear your head and see if marriage to this guy is what you really want! My mistake was I was with my boyf much to young! I was barely 19 when I met him and I never got to do or go to any of the places I really wanted to like Oz and I really resent that now!
Best of luck wiht what ever you decide to do anyway :)
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A
female
reader, MinxLegs +, writes (27 April 2007):
 I was with my partner for 6 years before we married, I had the doubts and put it down to nerves. Even up to walking down the isle I was questioning myself. Now 3 years on I am a seperated single mother. While having my Daughter was the best thing to come from the marriage I know it was a huge mistake and I should have listened to my doubts. My advice is if you are having doubts don't do it. See if you are still together in a year. If your relationship can get through the cancellation of a wedding then maybe it will last. It was a great party tho!! Good luck
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (27 April 2007):
 As Waterloo Sunset says if you are in doubt don't go ahead with it. Getting married is a big deal, something that is meant to last forever. You love him but are not in love with him, so i think this is a good enough reason to maybe put things off for a while.
Give it another six months or so then see how you feel then.
All the best x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): If in doubt then don't do it. Never a good idea. I got married on 12th April this year. My second marriage and honestly i was worried sick before i got married. Am i doing the right thing? I had these doubting questions on the run up and nothing would make them go away. We had a great day and wonderful honeymoon and i do love him to pieces, but we all have the doubts. Just try and separate them from how you really feel. If you think you need more time then take it. Don't be badgered into it. Put it back a few months until you feel a bit better about it. Only you can tell. If you really think you don't love him enough to marry him then put him in the picture. It is your life and future too, and life is too short to be unhappy.
Take care and let me know how things go.
xx
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