A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:oh dearI have really made a HUGE mistake.I'm a mature student, and on a night out recently I slept with one of my peers. I rarely drink (holidays and special occasions) and this evening I was totally out of character and got so terribly terribly drunk.I actually dont remember the deed, I was extreemly drunk, but I remember the walk of shame and there was enough evidence to leave me in no doubt about what happened.BUT he's married! I knew he was married, have known since we met, and I'm absoloutly torn up with guilt about my actions. I know I dont remember getting into that situation, but to me its no excuse. I have behaved terribly and so has he.Now, I would love to be able to avoid him, but due to our classes this is 100% impossible. There are very few mature students at this college, and so the classes are very small. This means I will have to see him and work with him on an almost daily basis.How should I handle things? I will be seeing him for the first time tomorrow, and I'm not sure what to say or do (if anything).I want to make it clear to him (and you all) that there is no part of me that wants any sort of romantic/physical future with this man. He is a friend and colleague and I need ways to manage this situation. Avoidance is impossible, so what should I do?I forgot to mention that I'm a single parent, thanks to my ex sleeping around multiple times. I realise fully what the consequenses of my drunken night may be, but wish as I might I cant turn back the clock.Thanks for any and all advice.
View related questions:
drunk, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 You couldn't have done better! You handled the situation in the best possible way. Be professional and keep it at that. Don't let his problems become yours. What's done is now buried, look ahead and all the best with your studies!!
Good Luck!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 November 2011):
 I think you did very well; it sounds as though you've handled the awkward situation as best it could be managed. I hope the doctor's result is all clear. Then this will all be a distant memory. Good luck with your studies!
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 November 2011):
 Yes you done the right thing by talking to him and clearing the air. It is done now and the only thing to do now is to move forward and continue to be on speaking terms when you both have to work together and leave it at that. There is no point telling him about the doctors appointments, just wait and see what the results are before you think about that. If it is all clear then you had a safe escape this time and you can just put it behind you and try and move forward.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): Just hope you both stick to "it will never happen again." Some Honest People are Needed.
Best of Luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiyaNot sure anyone is still reading, but hopefully my experience will help someone in the future.SoI spoke to him today.I apologised for it being me that HE chose to break his marriage vows with. I explained how terrible the experience had left me feeling. I didnt mention that I had already visited a doctor (and have future apointments - should I have?) as i thought it didnt need saying if I get the all clear.I made it VERY clear that what happened wasnt just a mistake, but that it would never be repeated.He apologised over and over. Said how terrible he had felt afterwards for cheating on his wife, how terrible he felt for taking advantage of the situation and how he also felt it should never happen again.The conversation was cut short by the arrival of other college friends, however we managed to cooperate over revision and and experiment in which we were paired up (sods law!). I dont imagine were going to be friends, but we are managing to be friendly. More importantly we have managed to work together without it feeling to weird. By avoiding any further mention of that night, and just keeping it to gentle chit-chat and academic talk we both got through it. He expressed relief at still being able to work together without either of us freaking out.I cant afford to fail all the subjects I share with him, therefore I cant allow things to get so bad that we cant work together.So what do you guys think? Did I do the right thing by clearing the air?Anyway I hope this helps for anyone unlucky enough to end up in a similar situation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiThanks to everyone who has responded.To the person who asked about the condom, well that (they!) was part of the evidence. However I have already seen the doctor, have a follow up in 2 weeks and another in 6 months. Pregnancy is a virtual impossibility as I have a mirena coil.Contrary to my recent behaviour I'm not normally stupid, and realise that STD's are a possibility - hence the docs appointments.As for blacking out... yes I really was that drunk. I wasnt unconcious I dont think but I have no memory for about 3 hours of the night. It is a situation i am determined to NEVER EVER EVER get into again. As I said at the beginning I am not a big drinker, and I much prefer it that way. Losing myself like I did was neither fun nor clever.I will update you how today goes. Thanks again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (23 November 2011):
Talk to him before class and tell him that while you are really sorry for whatever happened, it would be best if both of you could just leave it at that and carry on as just classmates.
Be polite, but keep your interaction with him as professionally limited as possible.
Leave the moral repercussions out, because obviously he's a jerk for having cheated on his wife, and there's a good chance he might come up with a sob story about how unhappy he is within his marriage, blah blah. Ask him to spare you the drama.
Keep in mind he is just a colleague now, no more a friend. A friend would never have sex with another friend, unless you want to stare into the bottomless pit of the FWB scene.
It will be difficult initially, trying to deal with all of this. If you feel you're not getting any better, seek professional help.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): The reason why I think drinking is destructive. Especially when it comes to safety, reasoning, and families. Its is abused by mindless people.Anywho.I don't like this post because if a man thinks its okay to have sex with a so-piss-drunk-out-her-mind-woman - he is a sexual predator. In Canadian Law Courts, thank goodness, he could be charged with a sexual offence as the law now recognizes that someone so drunk is not able to make a clear, adult decision and is easy to take advantage of.I think this married man is a low life and he should be reprimanded for his actions.The Sexual Predator likes to use the old mindset of a mans reasoning that was put in place because women had little rights and with it little respect- so, of course it will be pointed at you for putting yourself into such a situation BUT- he is just as accountable if not more, for doing what he did as HE DID take advantage of a weak moment.Blacking out- you were that drunk? I take it he was far from because men so drunk are unable to perform, especially if they black out.You seek some counselling, you write a letter of how you feel, anger, upset, disappointment in him. Explain the siutation.Then make a commitment to yourself to NEVER get to that POINT EVER AGAIN. Learn from this grievious mistake.There is NO EXCUSE for what he did.Then you work on forgiveness and healing via a counsellor.*hugs*
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 November 2011):
If you can't remember anything, how do you know if protection was used, as in a condom? You should make an appointment with your doctor and have a quick check, a guy who sleeps around may have given you something. Also, depending on the timing, Plan B might be something to consider if you don't wish to have an unintended pregnancy.
As for how to deal with him, I think a quick private chat with him before class would probably lay the foundation for your new 'hands off' and more correct relationship.
"Bob, the drunken night and whatever we did together was a mistake and one that I feel badly about. I can't do anything about what happened, so I just want to be very clear that we are going to move forward as classmates only. Thanks."
Then carry on and for heaven's sake, don't go out drinking again with your classmates. Keep an eye on your non-alcoholic drinks and don't leave any sitting there while you are away from them. Go into self-preservation mode on this from now on, as you have demonstrated that you and alcohol have an unreliable relationship.
Doctor, chat, vigilance. That's all I've got for you. Good luck with your studies.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): I ended up in a similar situation, we didn't ever talk about it, and even though it was awkward for a couple of days, we both made an effort to chat togther like always and things pretty much went back to normal. He wasn't married, but I think just try and act casual and don't make a big deal about it, and understand that yes, its going to be awful for a few days, but it will get better.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (22 November 2011):
You said it yourself it is impossible to avoid him so you just need to try and clear the air so that it is not awkward. Ask him can you speak to him alone when you both get the chance and just explain to him straight out that you regret what you both done, tell him how drunk you where and that it was wrong on his part to cheat on his wife. Tell him you want to put it behind you now and forget about it and carry on as friends and classmates. That's pretty much all you can do. You know you done wrong but all you can do now is try and move forward.
...............................
|
