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female
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*aleegrl6
writes: ok, i need to know what you all think about marriage. heres my story. i am 21 years old and have been with my significant other for about 3 years. we have a ten month old son together. i feel like im missing out on alot because "joe" (the other half) will be 30 next year. ive always been with older guys but this one is alot more serious. we have been living together for over 2 years. just within the past 6 months i found out he was doing drugs.. perocet, oxycotin, and even resorted to snorting and shooting herion. i know more about drugs now than i ever want to. i need some advice because he was gone for 30 days in a rehab program and is apparently doing good but i still have that "what if" in the back of my head, especially since i rely on him to care for our son responsibly. i couldnt handle the bills while he was gone and got realy behind on everything and thats not like me because i take care of everything before its due. so now his family is all mad at me because "joe" had to borrow money and x-mas is coming up and we have no money at all for our sons first christmas. im so stressed and on top of all of this "joe" proposed and i said yes but im still not sure if hes going to be sober forever and im afraid but i feel like i cant let that get in the way of how much i love the old "joe" the one before drugs took over his life and everything is just such a mess. please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2005): I am sure it is not easy being an addict but I'm sure it's very, very tough living with one. Let's be honest and clarify-it's his problem, not yours. It's a problem you can help him with if he lets you, but you can never help him if he makes no effort. We all have have choices; some more than others and those choices might not be easy. That's life. He has to make his difficult choices before anyone can help him.
Sadly, people with addiction problems often take advantage of those who love them. Understandable, but not nice. Worse, while you are there, trying to help, you may be offering him opportunities to take advantage, and, quite possibly casuing him to postpone the day that he starts to live again. Do not marry him, hun because you know exactly what your future will be like for you and your son, if you do.
Up to now you may have been attempting to manage his addictive behaviours. You may even have accepted some blame for it but what your bf does is his responsibility, not yours. You may well have invested lots of emotional energy in worry and stress about something you cannot control. Nobody can control anyone else's addictions. But you can invest some of that energy in making your life the best it can be. You are entitled to be happy, and to do your best to get your own needs and your son's needs met.
I urge you to consult trusted family members, family counselors, good friends, a minister, drug counselors at Alanon, anyone who can help you to cope. You may have to be radical for your sake. He is not a good role-model to your son...nor is he a good husband to you. He's an addict and I'm sorry to say this-he will take you both down, eventually. The mature perspective is that your life is your responsibility, and your husband's is his. But your child has no option and needs someone strong to look out for him. Your bf cannot provide that, so it's up to you. To protect your child and yourself from his self-destruction, you may have to just get up the courage to walk away from him. Good Luck and my heart goes out to you and your son. Take care
A
female
reader, jendeszy +, writes (23 November 2005):
Temptation is over powering and it will make him use again if he continues to surround him self with the group of people that he was using with. It is very easy to deny that you have a problem, especially if you are having fun in the process. You should not be responsible for your child on your own so he needs to be be a man and comit to the responsiblities that come with having a child. Any one that would put a habit before the welfare of their own child has more problems than you should have to deal with. Please what ever you do, be very careful and use good judgement when you make your final decision to marry him. It will be harder for you to live through this a 3rd, 4th or 5th time. If it happens again you have to be strong and move on & you have to put your son first. It would be easier to live with out your boyfriend than your baby. Imagine the guilt you would feel if something tragic happened due to your boyfriends using.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2005): First of all "Joe" having to borrow money isn't an importany factor because remember how much responsiblity you're under and how much you're successfully coping with. If I were you, id probably just take some time for now, Wait and c what happens with "Joe" in rehab and try to provide him with the support you're probably already doing but be aware that his addiction may be continual and its about keeping you and your son safe aswell.
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