A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, my boyfriend and I have been together 3 years. We're the same age, don't live together, and spend weekends together. We've had a serious relationship where we've talked about getting married in the future and having kids.When I met him he tried to hide the fact he smokes weed because he knew I wasn't into that kind of thing and I'm guessing thought maybe I'd break up with him without getting to know him first, or something. Anyway, of course he eventually told me and I let it be as it's his life and at that time it wasn't causing me any problems.About 2 years into our relationship I found out he was doing "trades" such as he'd give someone a video game to borrow and they'd give him some weed for the day/week. I didn't think much of that either, as it's still his life and didn't bother me.Okay, with that said I just found out around 7 months back he's also selling pills in order to keep up his weed addiction. At first it was loratabs you'd get at the hospital for a toothache or something and then it was a "better" type of pill. He doesn't do these transactions when I'm with him, but it's making me uncomfortable. I hear a pill head will do anything to get a fix, and this makes me sick to my stomach.My boyfriend has NEVER done anything to give the impression he's unfaithful. He lets me use his phone anytime I want to and doesn't hide our relationship in any way but he's also VERY secretive with these deals. Now, I understand why a drug dealer would of course not want it going around he's dealing, but I don't like it.Sunday I asked to use his phone and before giving it to me he deleted a text message. He showed me who it was from (a dude that i've met before who was high as hell and looks like the type to use/drink anything for a buzz) but didn't want me reading it. He told me that it was a drug deal he has going and that's all I need to know. He said it has nothing to do with a female but that I don't need to know what he says about it, who he's selling to, and other specific details. All he said is that if it doesn't involve another female it isn't my business. He said that I need to trust him and believe he isn't ever going to do anything to ruin our relationship, as in something involving a female.I'm just finding all of this uncomfortable. I asked him; "what if a girl wants to repay you with sex" and of course he said that he doesn't do that and that the times in his life he's traded with a chick, it was strictly for money (to buy weed) or he dealt with her and her boyfriend. This just makes me nauseous. All I keep picturing is some pill-head slut fucking my man for a xanax. But at the same time, he's never done nor said anything to betray me in such a way. He never even talks about other women. He doesn't come off as a cheater. He's flirty by nature, and extremely outgoing but nothing in the cheating department. I was at his place last night and he cooked me a nice dinner and we laid in bed watching a movie and cuddling all night. It's the "secretive lack of details" about this that's causing me a problem here. He isn't going to stop doing this, as he's said so himself and he isn't comfortable sharing this stuff with me so I don't know what to do here. I love him but right now I feel like throwing up.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): Let me tell you something you might identify with and get the same answers others already gave. My ex girlfriend has dumped me to jump into a relation with her ex from years past. He's a drugdealer to get quick money. Doing this for years. Been to jail and stuff. Sure he's nice, charming and all that too. She ain't the person to accept all this; she's intelligent, spiritual etc. Yet accepts him back into her life, while nothing changed to this guy for real. Now about you, do you know if he brings in his drugs into your house, car, etc.? Do you truely think you can rely on someone who has the kind of ethics, or lack of it, as he has? What foundation does he offer to build a healthy relationship on?Please re-read Tisha-1's answer, it's really clear!Let me tell you...: The problem is not him. It's you. Somehow you are attracted to him and thinks this 'bad-boy' behavior is perhaps bringing some excitement. perhaps you might desire some alpha-male dude stuff, some of those dealer-types display, that gives the idea of a "real" man. It seems you're being bored with a stable and committed relationship. You may subconsciously crave for a tumultuous emotional aspect, the unpredicted things, of this troublesome relationship. Seems you're not getting over this need right now. You should better check within, do some serious soul-searching and find out underlaying emotional issues that put you into this relationship the first place. And again. Please go find yourself a true loving man, with the right characteristics, living ethical, realizing a life together with you of true meaning and purpose. A joyful life of inner growth and mutual support. Don't spoil your precious time. He's not gonna change, don't wait for his change, you cannot make him change, you should not want him to change in order to meet up to what you REALLY want right now and the near future. Relationships just DON'T work out like that. Learn the lessons that this person brings into your life and move on. He might learn a lesson from this too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013): He keeps the details from you in order to protect you. If anything should happen with law enforcement, he doesn't want you involved in it. That's really sweet, but you WILL become involved if he's arrested. You will be questioned and who knows what all else.
I totally agree with the other 2 anonymous females who advise you to leave. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. He is not giving up drugs or dealing.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 November 2013):
 It's not so much the sleeping with slutty "pillheads" that would bother me. I don't think that's an issue. It's the basic fact that your boyfriend is a dealer that would really bother me. As someone who considers herself to be a law abiding citizen, I just wouldn't be okay with dating someone who made a living doing this. I'm not judgmental. To each their own. But I wouldn't date a drug dealer. It's just not really a super ethical way to make a living.
What happens if he gets pulled over with you in the car and searched? What if there are drugs in the car? Are you prepared to go down, too?
Or worse yet. What if you DO have kids together one day? I would assume you'd be living together by then. Would he deal out of your house with your son/daughter there? Or what if he got busted and had to serve time? You okay by yourself raising a child?
It's just not for me. I don't do drugs and I prefer my partner not to, either.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 November 2013):
 How can you convince yourself to spend even another MINUTE with a guy who you KNOW is mixed up in the drug culture????
Do you know why drug cartels don't offer retirement benefits???? It's because most of their "employees" are dead by the age of 35.....
Find a better boyfriend....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2013):
 This one is hard for me to answer.
I live with, love and I am married to an alcoholic addict. Are you SURE this is the life you want? I am ok with it but it’s because we are older, and my children are grown. I would NEVER subject a child to a home life like the one I currently have. I have also accepted it as part of my life but he knows full well that should it escalate beyond the current drugs of choice I am leaving.
So your concern is NOT the drug dealing or the substance abuse but rather that he may have interactions with a woman doing these deals. So your idea is that he can be a drug dealer as long as he only deals to other men? Is that what you are saying?
He’s said he will never let another female ruin your relationship. What about his ever increasing drug use? Are you not concerned that pot smoking and pill popping will lead to alcohol abuse or other drugs? Do you NOT trust him? IF you don’t trust him or believe him then you have NO relationship.
In addition, if he has to deal to support his habit, then he’s either got a low paying job, he’s highly in debt or his addiction is so great that he’s unable to afford it. I say this knowing what we spend on our recreational drugs and alcohol on a monthly basis. Being an addict is not cheap.
What do you do? Well I think the best thing for you to do is explain to him that you don’t believe him or trust him (because if you did then these phantom women would not bother you) and therefore you think you need to walk away from the train wreck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): This is a no-brainer. This is not the life you want and it's not the life you want your future children to have either. He is living a double life. Eventually you WILL get mixed up in this mess. As hard as it is, you need to let this guy go and move on. You are far from compatible in the long run.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2013):
 Lie number one: he tried to hide the fact he smokes weed
I let it be as it's his life and at that time it wasn't causing me any problems (ostrich approach to the situation)
Lie number two: I found out he was doing "trades"
it's still his life and didn't bother me (ostrich approach again)
Lie number three: he's also selling pills in order to keep up his weed addiction
it's making me uncomfortable (the ostrich posture isn't working any more, the reality is sinking in)
Rationalization: All he said is that if it doesn't involve another female it isn't my business. (Ah, the only thing you two have going on is sex, the rest of his life is his, as you've pointed out already.)
We've had a serious relationship where we've talked about getting married in the future and having kids. (Great, the kids will have a drug-dealing pothead as a Dad. Wouldn't that make it your business?)
It's the "secretive lack of details" about this that's causing me a problem here. He isn't going to stop doing this, as he's said so himself and he isn't comfortable sharing this stuff with me so I don't know what to do here.
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Seriously, end the relationship now, if you really want marriage and kids, this guy is going to wind up either hospitalized or imprisoned. You've looked the other way long enough.
The crap about none of this being your business if it doesn't involve him getting sex favors from pill addicts is just a load of manure.
You're basically in a relationship with a felon-to-be. Who cares if he's never 'cheated' on you. He's lied to you for years. He's a liar and is hiding all sorts of criminal shit from you. You don't buy those pills legally and sell them legally unless you are a licensed pharmacist and similar.
What to do here?
End the relationship and don't allow yourself to go down that slippery slope of rationalizations and that ostrich-type problem avoidance you adopted as the norm. Pull your head out of your ass, my dear, this is ridiculous. You're dating a criminal. And a liar. Basically, he's a conman and you've decided that just because he's faithful to you he's okay to date. Wake up, oh my god, this is a disaster in slow motion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): He is a drug dealer.
I think it is time to move on now. That is his chosen profession. You cannot change him, but, you can change your position in life. Do you want to marry a drug dealer?
I would suggest getting a therapist who can help you sort your feelings out. It is difficult walking away from relationships...but drug dealing is a criminal activity.
I don't think you want to raise kids with a person who slangs.
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