A
male
age
36-40,
*txi
writes:Ok, so two months ago I split up with the girl of my dreams. This post will be a bit long, but I need to include a lot of detail. Thanks in advance for reading.I think I know why it happened now, but when I asked some people for help they just told me that she only thought she loved me, that she never really did in the first place. It's odd, but that hurts more than losing her in some ways, and I want to try and figure it out. You see, we had known eachother over the internet for 8 years, we fell in love about 2 years ago and only told each other earlier this year. So we'd been dating about 6 months before we met. But we broke up in just over two months, the speed of it makes me think that maybe they're right, but other things just don't add up with that.We met, things went fine. After a little while thing went a bit downhill, we broke up after 3 weeks, got back the next day and then dated another two weeks. Then we had a two week break before it ended.In the first 3 days we met before she started uni again and I work, things went really well and we both admitted to being happier than we ever had before.But in the following weeks, well I can't tell if she was distant or just content. My opinion varies depending on my mood when I look back at it, but she initaited a lot of hugs, but didn't initiate a lot of the conversations. Basically I can't tell if the feeling that something was wrong was my own mind or if there was something. It could have been because her roomates (who I never even met) were badmouthing the relationship from the get-go, she also had pressure from uni and probably just wanted to relax. She also wanted to initiate sexual activities (which she hadn't done at all before with her exes), so I'm very confused about this time of the relationship.Then there was the major thing I did wrong, I became worried that I wasn't good enough for her, I wasn't relaxed, I became more sinsitive to what she said, I felt like I couldn't say anything to her because it would sound stupid. And worst of all when we were fooling around in bed I stopped sometimes and asked her if she was really attracted to me. (there is a reason for that, I have had a very vindictive ex who spread bad rumours about me after we'd had sex for the first time, that was also my only other sexual partner, but this girl didn't know about that) I also mentioned the fact that one of us would have to move one day in order for us to be together. She has also complained about her exes being too into her (and they were) I wasn't anywhere near as bad, but it made me very reserved about telling her my feelings of love for her, in case I came across the same. I felt like every date had to be impressive, so we didn't spend any time just relaxing with each other, I think she felt partly the same (she asked me a lot whether she made me happy).The main thing that has me worried is that she went a bit distant early on, before my lack of confidence should have had any real affect (however we had only just really met, so anything like that would have an affect). I think this may be from us both expecting things to be amazing all the time and being worried when they weren't, from her room mates and also that we were entering the disillusionment stage of the relationship, having been in the honeymoon stage before, or maybe just me imagining it. Also, I know now that there are times when a woman just doesn't feel as in love with a guy as others, but I didn't then.The actual break was when we had a talk, she was being more distant than usual and when we tried to sort it out she said that she didn't know why, she just felt different. Instead of trying to sort anything out we just ended it there and then.Anyway, the day after the short breakup I texted her saying that it didn't seem right, she agreed that she had been feeling hollow all day and we got back together. We were both very happy but after that things changed a bit, she told me later that she felt like she had to make sure we had a great time before I left to make up for the break. Also, when work was on top of me because I had no time for anything else I said to her "I only have work and you here at the moment, and I don't like that." She took this as a sign that she needed to look after me and make sure that I was happy, which wasn't true but made her very stressed. I was also stressed since I didn't know why we broke up and was still slightly on edge.She took me to a meal with her family (she was also going to invite a room mate as well, but they declined because I was going to be there, still hadn't met them btw, and it made things more stressful for her) I met her friends for a bbq, and she was happy to show affection with me at the time. So I don't think she had too many reservations.She was a virgin, but she chose to lose it to me only two weeks before we broke up, and only a day before we had a 'break'. She also said that the only thing she wanted from a relationship was me the same day. She had always been very affectionate online (hell, in real life she said to me that she thought we were going to be married one day).The break was according to her because she felt like she had to see me rather than anything to do with the sex. (I asked and she said it was fine) When I said it was ok she sounded massively relieved and told me that she loved me. When I asked if it was a break or a breakup she sounded hurt at the idea of breaking up and said that she just needed some space.She had a stomach ache for a few weeks (she gets ill quite easily) but she became worried that it might be pregnancy one week into the break (she rang me because she was worried, first contact in the break). I offered to buy her a test to ease her mind, although I knew that whilst we had messed about, I had taken precautions and that she wasn't pregnant. However she became worried and asked me to not talk to her and accused me of not keeping her safe, it made me panicked and I send her a flurry of texts.When we broke up she said that she had felt pressured and never told me because she was thought it would go away with time (also, the only other time we talked about our relationship was when we broke up, so it might have made her worried to talk to me), she also said that maybe the type of communication was different online than offline (I was acting differently, an online friend even said so to me beforehand but I didn't realise what they meant) However she promised that she never lied when she said that she loved me, she also said that she felt like she was missing part of herself when we had the break.Two weeks after we broke up and the day before I left the country to go back home she sent me a text and we had a brief chat on the phone, she said in the text that she was sorry and that she didn't know what went wrong, even though she had been thinking about it all the time (she's fallen out of love with someone before when she realised that she didn't love them afterall, so she would know. She also promised to tell me the truth). She last spoke to me 2 weeks ago because she was at uni alone (all her friends are in the band and left to play for an away game so she was down). We had a nice chat but only for ten minutes because I was tired, I haven't heard from her since. We never resolved anything.But she started dating someone just 3 weeks after we broke up, talking to him closely only 2 weeks after according to a friend. I can understand that she felt happy to be out of the relationship, there was a lot of stress. We broke up quickly after 3 weeks because she became a bit distant. I figured it was because she was starting uni and under a lot of pressure, also her roomates were constantly badmouthing the relationship without even meeting me.I don't know if this is because of the lack of pressure now, the feeling of escape. But she doesn't seem to have any regrets at all, I'm glad that she's happy, but she does all the things that we wanted and planned to do together with her new boyfriend and doesn't make any of the effort to contact me like she used to. Maybe because I said that I didn't want to be friends (it would only prolong the pain) but if she seems so fine so soon afterwards is she strong or did she simply not care?I know that I can't get her back, and I know that she doesn't feel the same about me anymore (though I'd love to be back with her). I just simply want to know if she ever did truly love me. I know that we still had good times, the times when I was relaxed (picnic in the park, kissing by the fountain, etc). So I do think it was my worrying that did it, combined with a lack of communication and an immature idea of what love should be like, but I want to see what others think.
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a break, broke up, confidence, fell in love, got back together, her ex, immature, kissing, move on, roommate, split up, text, the internet Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Itxi +, writes (28 November 2010):
Itxi is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone, it's all been very helpful.
I was worried about whether she saw me as being confidant and I asked her about it when we broke up, she said that she's always seen me as confident and independent.
What I know I did wrong now was to forget that I need to be as much friend as lover, to stop worrying about what she thought of me and analysing everything she did, and to just relax. I wasn't myself and it made the social aspects awkward and not fun. When I was relaxed everything was fine but the moments were too far and few between. Then the part where she was stressed meant that I couldn't fully relax either.
Anyway, none of it really matters now. I know that things went wrong but there was still love there, and it helps. In a way I can see that it was a good thing to end the relationship, because it's clear to me now that I wasn't in a healthy frame of mind anyway. :)
A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1  +, writes (27 November 2010):
You are right. It was very long. I did not finish it, however, I did read some. I will just tell you this, and you must always remember this...NO WOMAN WANTS A MAN THAT IS NOT CONFIDENT. Also, no woman wants a man that is "too into" her like your ex said. To a woman, that type of man comes of clingy and weak. Women (maybe not all) want a strong, secure, protector. So, take this as a learning experience and my advice to you is to work on yourself to become a better man. Read on it, develop stronger characteristics, prepare yourself for when the next woman comes. Not saying change yourself completely, but definitely work on you. Try not to over analyze. Hope you feel better!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): Sounds like a complicated situation, lots and lots of makeup and breakup, but (I can clearly see) true feelings always bringing you back together. It sounds like low confidence from lack of relationship experience, combined with all those meddling outside opinions, stirred the only conflict here. Worrying about whether or no your partner is having a nice time whenever you're with them is unecessarry; would they ever return if they were not? If she ever said she loved you, that she felt hollow and less without you, it sounds (sonorously) to me that that was real love, and despite any later verbal denial from her, that kind of love does not just dissipate.
I think she was hurt by your choice of words when you said that all you had was work and her. Communication, as this site will constantly prove reminder, is key in relationships, even something as simple as word choice can be misinterpreted and throw a couple's harmony off center. When expressing oneself, it's best to keep in mind the importance of positivity... i.e. rather than saying that all you had was work and her, which makes a girl feel rather more like dead weight than a love, the same stress could have been expressed by saying something like, "I just wish I had more time/room in life right now to..." do whatever non-work/non-romantic personal whatever it is you wished you could do. Many girls often need reassurance of their worth in a relationship, and a little misphrased remark could really slash their confidence. I know! It has to be very difficult to be a guy tiptoe-ing around such, perhaps, silly things, but their are some differences between the sexes that cannot be helped ("No You Girls" by Franz Ferdinand is fittingly playing in my head as I write). The only way to repair damage of things said from you to her or she to you, now is through genuine, face-to-face apology. Sound like the "new guy" you've seen her with is very probably there out of convenience. She's not forgotten what she felt for you; you've still got a chance to get her back.
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A
male
reader, Itxi +, writes (27 November 2010):
Itxi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, thankyou for replying.
The thing is that looking back, and in the first three days, it was easy. Our relationship has always been based on a brilliant friendship.
The reasons that I felt like that are complicated and unimportant. And in fact being away from her now I realise now that I am good enough for her, and I agree that it was right for us to part if I was feeling that way.
I guess it's impossible to tell how she felt about me, but from what you said I take it you think she did love me? I just need to know.
Thnakyou again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): Here's the thing, I obviously don't know her so I can't be sure how she felt about you, but it really seems like you two are better going your separate ways. You may have had a lot of good times, but a relationship should be based on friendship. What I mean is that you two should be able to talk to each other without all the drama, and you shouldn't feel like you have to impress her all the time. You should feel comfortable, not like she is too good for you. You shouldn't have to try so hard. I'm not saying that it has to be easy all the time, but it should not feel like work.
She may not have been lying about how she felt about you. Maybe she just decided that the relationship wasn't working. It would benefit you both to meet new people, start fresh.
As for you, don't worry so much about impressing your significant other. You don't have to feel so self-conscious. Just relax and have a good time. That's the best way to handle life. Learn from the past, don't let it define you. And again, move on. Don't go back to her. Don't live in the past; look towards the future.
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