A
female
age
30-35,
*emma212
writes:I ran into my ex-friend "Karen" at a mutual friend's party. All my ex-friend did was brag and make snide remarks. She was also smug because she brought a date and I came with my sister. (My sis was invited though and received a separate invite.) I was polite, but acted like it didn't bother me, which seemed to make Karen angry. She seemed to want to try harder to make me upset or get a reaction out of me. I'm glad I'm not friends with her and I don't want to be friends anymore. In the past, I tried talking to Karen about her behavior, but she just blamed it on me and said I was the one with the problem. So I slowly phased her out. Now when I see her, she acts like this. I feel like it's my fault or I did something to cause her to react this way. Sort of like, what kind of friend was I if she acts this way. But I don't think a friendship should be this hard of work. I also got tired of defending myself all of the time and feeling upset after seeing her. But I still have doubts and think I'm the one to blame. Am I doing something wrong here?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 June 2013):
 Eh, OP, what can you do , you know, it's easy to be best friends, close as sisters, when you are kids, and then when they grow up, two people can develop different personalities, different tastes,different attitudes and they drift apart, or just can't get along anymore and grate on each other nerves . It's sad, but it happens a lot , you know ? ...
Perhaps if you can accept that, you'll feel better.
I mean, tbh I am still skeptical that Karen is this total nasty bitch totally out to get you ( if it was so, you'd have more to pity her than to blame her, what is she , a psycho ? ) But, either way , total bitch or just part time bitch as I think- the sad fact remains that you have lost your common groove, there's no feeling, no empathy anymore. I think what makes you suffer is because you STILL considered this a friendship- where something went wrong , and you think that if you could fix her, or fix yourself, or fix the problem, then it all would be fine again, like in the old times.
Probably not. It was a good thing of your life , for a certain period of time, now it's gone, because either one or both did not need it anymore in their life path. You don't need to fix yourself because there's nothing to fix and you are perfectly OK even without a boyfriend . And you don't need to fix Karen who probably is not a monster, just a normal girl who likes talk about the good stuff in her life, To brag as you call it.
It's just ...one of those things. You do not belong to the same world anymore. People change, in time, and we have to let them go.
You will have other friends in future, do not worry . Focus on meeting NEW positive people, not on the negative that people brought to you in the past .
A
female
reader, Jemma212 +, writes (26 June 2013):
Jemma212 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindy, I was indifferent and it seemed to make Karen try even harder to get a reaction out of me. She always (since we were kids)tries to make it seem like she is the victim. (Even though I wasn't even doing anything to her- I was trying to have a good time and not let her get to me.) It just hurts because growing up, she was practically like my sister and my mom would even cook for her and she stayed over a lot. Then over time she just got really nasty and all she did was yell at me over the smallest things. When I tried to talk to her about it, she just blamed me. So enough is a enough. Now she's acting like I'm the one with the problem and tries to blame it on me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 June 2013):
Probably yes. One thing , for sure : and it is giving too much power over your moods and feelings to an EX friend. The key word is being EX - your friendship ebbed and flowed and then waned for whatever reason so now Karen belongs , or should belong ,safely , to your emotional PAST. You should not be bothered by her actions, unless she is tryng to attack you with a knife , and if you choose to let an ex " enemy " of the past having influence over your present, that's your choice but it's not a good one and you can't blame Karen for that.
It could be objected that one can openly show hostility even without attacking you with the knife, but, my gut feeling is that it is not so. My impression, seen the disproportionate effect you let Karen and your PAST friendship , have on you, is that you have CHOSEN to take most things personally when they are not meant so and to make them all about you when they aren't.
Like, Karen was smug because she brought a date. Smug ? Maybe she was just glad to be there with her bf or beau , she was just HAPPY. And had she been smug, ... so what ? Girl gets a new date , or an old one of whom she 's proud of, feels good about it and wants to flaunt him a bit - what's wrong with that ??
Ditto for " bragging " - there's bragging, and there's sharing info about the good things in your life. If Karen got a bf / lost 20 pounds / bought a new car etc., she is probably telling it normally, without the intention of cutting deeply-it's obvious that people should prefer to share the positive than the negative ( and at a party it is even more polite, it's not a good venue to start complaining " aw my life sucks ". ) If YOU take it as a competition, because YOU feel inadequate and lacking compared to her... then, we have that whatever she says or does will rub you the wrong way.
Moral : chill , and do not live in the past. Btw, you do not even NEED to talk to Karen other than for a quick, polite hi at social functions, you are EX friends, so - why do you even have to engage her in conversations , I don't know. Anyway , if you really have to, remember that 1 ) it's not all about you !, I don't think that Karen is wasting any time studying strategies to get under your skin, because she does not CARE 2) even if I were wrong and she were doing it on purpose ( which I really doubt ) the best way to handle it , and the best revenge , is total INDIFFERENCE. Feigned at first, maybe, and then , if you don't feed your grudges and focus your mind on something else, it will become real.
Come on, you are 18-21 , such a great age , ripe of changes ,plans and possibilities - you must have something better than Karen and your rivalry to focus your thoughts on !.
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