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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I am afraid of talking with my bf about my problems. I was treated for depression last year and saw a psychologist for a period of time and actually did take an anti-depressant for some time afterwards, which I ahven't told my bf about because I don't want him to think I have emotional problems, which I don't. I was depressed after leaving an abusive relationship and I needed extra help to recover from it. I just recently decided that I wanted to see a counselor again, so I've been going every week and i just am not ready to tell my bf, but I feel really bad about not telling him. Sometimes I have to lie when he asks me what I did for the day and say I went to a friend's house or tthis or that. We've been together nine months, and we don't live near each other, so I guess it's easier for em to hide it, but I don't feel that good about doing that. I don't want him to think he got involved with a basket case or feel like I duped him into getting a raw package, and I feel afraid he may judge me for it and that will just make me want to break up with him if I find that he judges me or treats me differently afterwards. Does anyone have any ideas as to what I should do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2006): i have been in a similar situation as you, i was with my man for about 9 months before i told him i had depression and that i was talking to a councilor, i though he would be understanding of my situation but boy was i totally wrong, after i told him he banned me from talking to a councilor, he has a number of times refered me to as a mental case and also often reminds me that the reasons i have depresssion are not good enough reasons to be depressed, i hope that your man isnt like that, i think you should find out what his thoughs are on depression before you go and poor your heart out to this guy, i wish i had of.
A
female
reader, lady_T +, writes (13 March 2006):
Well to me I think you should tell him when you are ready, but don’t take to long, because it would be even harder on your self. For me I don’t really have the same problem, but for my befriend hof 6 months e has depression like your self. He told me when we were first starting to talk, when he comfortable enough tell me, because he wanted us to become closer and becoming more than friends. Like you he was un sure about what I would say and think of him after, but I did not feel any differently about him. What I like was the fact that he was able to tell me about it and not hide it ( not trying to make you feel bad or anything), but to me if your bf cares for you and I believe he does it should not matter to him . he may not understand what it at first which is of ok. For me what help me was when I looked up info to understand it better, and my bf told me to ask any question that I have about it. To me telling him would just be a good thing for the both of you for example: if my bf is not talkative and lil down I understand the reason for it know it has nothing to due with me. Sometime he try to hide it if did not take his meds, but the point is just tell him when you ready, but don’t take to long, and I sure he under stand, and it be would be aloud off your mind. Good LUCK!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2006): 1. I disagree with all the posters who say you have to tell your bf, and that you're doing something wrong by not telling him about your depression. Trust is important, and at some point, you should be able to share that kind of thing. But there's no magic date on a calendar at which point all secrets have to be revealed in a relationship. If you don't feel comfortable telling your bf, don't.2. You'll find that dealing with difficult problems is a hell of a lot easier if you stop trying to pretend like everything is fine. Friends, family and significant others can be a great support network, if you let them. But for that to work, you have to let them in.3. Depression is a chemical imbalance - it's no less a medical problem than is an over/under-active thyroid. And incidentally, when you have thyroid cancer or some other thyroid problem, and it's interfering with the levels of thyroid hormone in your body, you can have symptoms almost identical to those of depression. You'd be ridiculous to feel bad about taking pills for a thyroid problem; it's just as ridiculous to feel bad about taking pills for a serotonin problem. After all, people with migraines and epilepsy take pills for their serotonin problems (often the same pills you and others might take for their depression-inducing serotonin problems) and no one ever attaches a stigma to them for it.4. Just because the stigma attached to psycho-pharmaceuticals is often misplaced doesn't mean it isn't real. You have every right to decide that you're not interested in being a pioneer and would rather remain silent about your problems. Of course, this means someone else will eventually have to be the pioneer.5. Seeing a psychologist/counselor is totally different than seeing a psychiatrist for pills. Keeping them separate in your mind will make all of this seem more approachable, I think. On the one hand, you have a medical condition that you're being treated for. That's the psychiatric part. On the other hand, you have some emotional baggage from a hard relationship, and it's helpful to have an objective third-party to talk things over with. That's the counseling part6. Nothing that anyone says here will do any good until you decide for yourself what it is that you believe about all of this.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (13 March 2006):
 Depression, medication, counselling, psychologist, mental help, basket case. Why does mental health ahve so much of a bad stigma attached to it? If you were epileptic you would seek medical help for it. If you were diabetic you would take insulin or pills to sort out your blood sugar levels. There is no problems with having to seek help for psychological needs and the sooner western society realises this the happier and healthier we will all be.
Before you tell him anyhting about yourself and your mental health needs you must first accept yourself asd somebody who was brave enuff to seek help and strong enuff to know they had a problem and needed support. You are a strong person and I admire you for being honest and saying help me.
When you can accept that needing mental help is not tantamount to being a basket case and that it is not weak or odd then you acn tell him. If you dont accept yourself for who you are how can you expect him too?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I guess you guys both have a point. I will try to find a good time to tell him about both things, but thanks so much for the advice :O)
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A
female
reader, bridget +, writes (12 March 2006):
 Hey there pet,
I think that you should tell your boyfriend what you are going through, If you trust him enough and you love him then you should have no reason to think these negative thoughts about him..
Although if you dont tell him, he will eventually find out, and when he does he will not be happy about you lying to him about where yopu are going.. He will think that you dont trust him and that, in itself, will cause problems between you..
Please dont feel bad about not telling him, its only natural to feel embarrassed or ashamed in your case.. It is also only natural to have trusting problems and I think this is now what you are having difficulty in, do remember that there is always a light at the end of a dark tunnel and the healing process is on its way..
I doubt he will call you a "Basket Case" just for going for councelling sessions, its certainly nothing to be ashamed of.. Alot of individuals need a little help from specialists, and, being one of them, it does help and I would advise you to be honest with your partner..
If he is a decent and honest guy then he will understand..
Hope this helps you..
Jacqueline
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A
male
reader, juttandmeff +, writes (12 March 2006):
I suppose the first question must be whether he knows about the abusive relationship and its effect on you? If he does, then the idea that you need help with its longer term effects may not be the shock you anticipate. If he doesn't, then I'd have some serious concerns about the future of your relationship: I can't get away from thinking that it should all be based on trust.
As you say you've only recently started to see a counsellor again, now might be a good time to bring it out into the open: explain to him the reasons why. If he loves you and your relationship is good, then there should be no problems - you could explain that your concern was that he shouldn't pay the price for your ex's behaviour. If he doesn't, then I guess that's the end of it, but either way, I feel it's important that you bring this into the open now. If not, then how long are you going to wait before you tell him? Another 9 months? 2 years? 5? A decade? The longer you wait, the greater the chance that he will see your failure to tell him as a breach of trust - something most relationships never recover from.
So, if you're serious about him, pluck up your courage and tell him now. Share your problems with him, don't hide them, because each lie adds a little to the amount of explaining you have to do at a later stage.
I hope it works out for you, whatever you decide to do!
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