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female
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anonymous
writes: Probably this is a very classic situation. 25 year long marriage went cold. My husband stopped looking at me, touching at me etc. There is no sex, affection, years ago. He went into silence, and passive aggressive responses.When ask why, he just says, I DON'T KNOW , ITS NOT YOU.Than nothing changes. Well, he is more and more distant, talk will not do a thing. He won't talk about his feelings. He gets allergic to this topic... He really closed down all doors to his soul... I'm stuck. Im basically here because we have a history together, with a terrible tragedy of losing a child in it. But we have no love left. Obviously we are just wasting each other's time, but none of us is ready to make the first step to leave. I feel ,it would be not possible to live like this for an other 20- 30 years. But I have no energy to divorce, or any resources for it. We have a house and I wouldn't leave without money, but I feel no motivation to start a new life, yet I'm tired of this... What would you do in my situation? Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): Staying in a bad marriage, is like to be dead. Because are you on life support,but not living real life.
Lots of valuable energies can get lost like that.
Better risk the unknown, than stay in the known, what is not changing , just staying the same negative...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): you're in a rut because of your miserable marriage. Being around a very negative and secretive person like your husband will drain you. you need to summon up the strength and leave. don't wait until you feel strong enough, that day may never come because this marriage is sucking the life out of you. Do it now before you get drained even more. Courage is not the absence of fear, it's doing something anyway in spite of the fear. And once you do it, you will feel so good about yourself!! you will start to see yourself differently and in a more positive light and then you'll get more energy and a renewed feeling.
how about this: announce to your friends that you are leaving this marriage. Once you have announced it and made it public, that changes it in your mind and becomes a reality. enlist the support of your friends, even if it's just moral support. notice I didn't mention family. that's because some times family members are biased when it comes to one of their own getting divorced, like your own children for example. they may want you to stay in the marriage not because they care about your feelings but because you play a specific role in their life right now that's related to your marital status to your husband so they may feel threatened by the loss of that. Friends are usually different - they are more neutral about whether you stay married or get divorced, they have no stake in your staying with your husband.
so go ahead - tell your friends that you want to leave this marriage to better your life, and let them offer you moral support and cheerleading. if you have friends who have been through divorces, talk with them about how they did it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 Have you talked to him about divorce? Maybe you should. Not in a raging temperamental outburst, but in a direct and up front manner, to the point. He's closed down. Your marriage is cold. You'd like to consider divorce, but the circumstances being what they are you do not see divorce as a real option right now. Hear what he has to say.
A possible solution could be separation without divorce. The separation period also last a while anyway, and in this time you might have gathered the strength to carry it through. If not the separation period can last as long as you and him feel like it. And in this time of separation you might come to grow closer again, or at least build a friendship.
If you aren't already sleeping in separate rooms this could be a start. Then take one step at a time dependent on what you feel you can manage. One year sleeping in separate rooms, next year maybe have your own apartment somewhere, while still being married, just separated.
Just because you are married doesn't mean you have to live together and sleep in the same bed. Your marriage is currently an economical paper-deal (more or less from what you described), not something filled with love and devotion.
I have a colleague in a similar position. They're not married, but she's being living with him for some 15 or 20 years now (can't remember exact). They have 3 children together, all over 16, but the love has stopped long time ago. She wants to move on, but he clings to her and refuses to let go. There is no physical contact between them, but they share a house. She is miserable being stuck with him, and she can't understand why someone in his position so desperately wants to stay, when she has directly told him she no longer wants him. She's got a boyfriend on the side. I don't judge her for that.
You do what you have to do when stuck... try to get at least a little happiness into your life.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 Hi,I am sorry to hear about your loss, my mother passed away 9 years ago, and I know how you feel, part of me is dead, but life continues rather you want or not. Life is different now, you just have to learn how to live again. You have one chance in life, as you mentioned, you have not been happy in this marriage for many years. It's not fair to you, and your husband to continue this way. I know you have history, after all 20+ years is a very long time. Like caring guy said, it's only normal to feel this way, you've been through so much, anybody in your position would feel the same, but I think you can get your motivation back if you start fighting for your life. Right now you are not living your life, you are being drag by life. You need to take control. You are still young, and still have a full life ahead. You cannot have the past 20 years back, but you can start your new life now. This is an unfortunate situation, because you or your husband have not betrayal, cheat on each other. For some reason the feelings for each other just fade away, and it's nobody's fault. When you feel is the appropriate time, I'll suggest you have a calm, serious talk with your husband. Explain how you feel, and let him know that you want to do the best for the both of you. I know it's overwhelming, you have history, attachment to you husband, his your partner, and thought you would spend the rest of your life with him..People go through difficult times everyday, but they all overcome... What I am trying to say is, do what's best for you now, when you still can, because if you still live this way, and regret 20 years from now, I am afraid to say, it will be too late. By then, you will be older, you will have less chances to have a good job, chance to meet a new man, chance to make a new life, by then you will have less energy. I know you have the strengh to do this, it's inside of you, you just need to search deep inside of you. I hope you take few days, think about everything, and I hope you find answers to your questions. May God bless you in your searches, and hope he can guide you to the right way. I hope this helps, I hope you find happiness, and peace...Best wishes/ good luck
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (19 October 2011):
Hi,
I am sorry to hear about your loss, my mother passed away 9 years ago, and I know how you feel, part of me is dead, but life continues rather you want or not. Life is different now, you just have to learn how to live again.
You have one chance in life, as you mentioned, you have not been happy in this marriage for many years. It's not fair to you, and your husband to continue this way. I know you have history, after all 20+ years is a very long time. Like caring guy said, it's only normal to feel this way, you've been through so much, anybody in your position would feel the same, but I think you can get your motivation back if you start fighting for your life. Right now you are not living your life, you are being drag by life. You need to take control. You are still young, and still have a full life ahead.
You cannot have the past 20 years back, but y
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (19 October 2011):
I think you should leave, even though you don't have the energy for it. You've tried everything you can, and your husband refuses to budge or even to be honest with you. it looks like there's very little chance for your marriage to improve because your husband is completely unwilling to even tell you what's going on.
It's understandable you feel stuck because you have history together. That history will still be there even if you leave. you could remain friends even if you divorce (if you're both willing to do that).
You could see a divorce mediator or a divorce counselor to help you sort out the financial aspect of the divorce.
Another thing you could do, is to separate but not get divorced. For some people, this feels easier than divorcing. It might give you a chance to get used to the idea of being on your own in a more gradual way. Some people remain separated for the rest of their lives and only hang onto the legal marriage for health insurance, taxes or other financial purposes.
If your husband isn't willing to talk about improving the marriage, then how about initiating a talk with him about these divorce and separation options.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 October 2011):
Leave. My girlfriend was in a totally dead marriage. She got out a few years ago, and that's when the motivation hit her.
The reason you're not feeling the motivation right now it because it's become too convenient and too familiar to just stay in that marriage. Nothing seems like it'll get better, because you're not just making the decision to move on.
You need to see a solicitor and start making plans to leave. Once you start that and you see the benefits of being out of the marriage, you'll find your motivation to move forward with your life will reappear.
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