A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'll just go straight to the question.What is so wrong in dating my friend's ex-girlfriend? I mean they are no longer together for 3years now.We both want to go for it,i can bet on that but its just as if we should never cross. She has been my best female friend since then,but the fact that everyone sees it as a bad idea is really eating me up. Is a friend's ex really a forbidden fruit.And some weeks ago she strongly reminded me she was still single. I indirectly discussed her with my friend,and he says he hopes they get back together. even after over 3 years!?. What now do I do about my feelings? can't lose my friend.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): Well you have just one option and that is to choose what is more important. Her or your buddy.
It doesn't matter how long it has been, it is wrong to do that. Especially if your buddy is telling you he still has a thing for her.
I get she is not his property or anything but there is an unspoken rule about this. Everybody knows. That's a line you don't cross.
I had a friend and an ex boyfriend who did this to me and it was heart wrenching. I had still been trying to work things out with my ex. It really messed with my head. I felt like I didn't know who my friend's really were anymore.
Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he was trying to pursue an ex girlfriend of yours that you still had the hot's for?
It's totally inappropriate. She is your best friend's ex. You just don't do that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): Choose between the two, because you will not keep both.
If he finds out about the two of you; friends may become enemies. You know that he wants to get back together with her. As everyone else suggests, not really a great idea.
You can do whatever you like. She's right, she's single and it's none of his business; but don't go flaunting your plans with her in his face.
You say you don't want to lose your friend? Be realistic.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 March 2015):
 You need to choose. Its the friend or the girl. In this case though... I say go for the girl. It's been three years, and he's STILL hoping to get her back? Then he's deluded, and has issues letting go. It's beyond normal, in my opinion.
Of course a friends ex is forbidden fruit, how would you feel if someone you have romantic feelings for gets together with someone else? How about if this girl of yours got together with your friend, you'd not feel happy about it, would you? Well, same goes for him, he'd not feel happy about it, and in order to not be hurt he'd need to remove himself from the situation. Because seeing you, talking to you, and especially seeing the two of you together, would cause him pain. Or just plain jealousy. Or after three years, when he's still hung up on her, I'd call this one "in need of control".
Whatever his reasons for being upset would be, he'd still not be your friend if you hooked up with his ex.
Some people are FINE with friends dating their exes! If they have moved on and are mature about it, then it's all good. But your friend hasn't moved on, so in this case you need to choose... the friend or the girl.
But like I said at the beginning: go for the girl. Realize your friendship is lost, at least for now. Maybe you and him will be friends again later. But it's been three years, it'd hardly be a crime if you got together with her, you like her, she likes you, and you should grab this chance before she gives up and moves on. You're not teenagers any longer, you are all adults, and your friend is the one who needs to either accept the relationship, or abandon the friendship. You just go for the girl, but you might want to give your friend a heads up first.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): To be honest mate you already crossed the line by becoming friends with her after they broke up, what you playing at? Shows where your loyalties lied and they don't lie with your 'friend'.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 March 2015):
 make your choice.. your friend or the girl... in this case you can't have both because he wants her back.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (26 March 2015):
 If you can't lose your friend then don't the girl...plain and simple. Its just sort of an unspoken rule that the majority of people don't date a friend's ex. It normally doesn't turn out too well and the friendship doesn't survive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): Sorry,mate, he (your friend) doesn't stand a chance with her (as you said, 3 years and he is still hoping they "get back together" what the hell?)She has moved on. She has an interest in you.Yes,everyone sees it as bad but there is NOTHING morally wrong in what you are doing (from where I'm standing).She could be happy with you or with some other dude. To your friend it shouldn't matter WHO she is happy with as ultimately whether it's you or someone else, it's still NOT HIM.However,it does matter... To your friend,I mean. Men are weirdly territorial and hypocritical like that.I bet he would have dated and shagged any friend of hers without a second thought. HOWEVER, if she were to shag HIS friend, he'd probably go ballistic.Double-standard.I honestly wouldn't care if an ex of mine shags a friend (of mine). We have broken up, we have decided things can't work out between us, he is not for me, best of luck to them,I say.I think it will be a matter of common courtesy to at least let your friend know of your intentions (not ask, he can NOT control your life and TELL you who you should/shouldn't go out with).I was in a similar situation (in reverse,obvs) and my friend actually ASKED me if it would be ok. My reaction was:"Are you crazy? I can't tell you what to do. Thanks for asking,but I no longer care about him (that way) so do whatever you please."I actually thought she was EXTREMELY polite and almost too concerned for me(as in your case things had ended a while ago).Who is to say that she should miss out on HER chance of happiness because of ME? Because of some old hanky-panky that has happened YEARS ago? I did not find my happiness with him,who knows she might have (she did not, ultimately,but hey,she should not have missed an opportunity for me).ALL I'm saying is: in theory,it should NOT matter one iota to your friend. Who knows? That might be your one chance of finding a suitable life-long partner?IN REALITY though-it will be a problem. I'm not a man, but I think it has something to do with them imagining the two of you, naked, doing the hanky-panky and being unable to overcome those issues. Insecurity (i.e will he better than me in bed? Is his dick bigger? Will he make her happier/please her more), jealousy, male competitiveness and other issues come to the forth.I'm afraid that you'll probably lose your friend if you want the girl.You have to choose who you want more in your life-her or him.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (26 March 2015):
 There's nothing wrong in dating her, but your friend won't be happy and you'll probably lose his friendship, even if things don't work out with you and this girl. That may seem unfair, but that's just how people are.
It's your choice - your friend or this girl.
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