A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've been with my boyfriend for three years now and its been lovely. He cares about me a lot, we have our own separate lives and we don't live together but we are moving in together in a few months. I've really excited about this but we have had a couple of arguments that always tend to be about the same thing. Often this is about trust. When it comes to other men theres no problem at all but it's usually about something I want to do. For example, I didn't want to promise him that I wouldn't do certain drugs. I don't do drugs regularly but sometimes i like to do them. He asked me to promise not taking a certain drug but I really don't want to make that promise - not because I want to do it every weekend, but if the opportunity turned up, I'd like to have the choice to do it. He says he's only doing it because he doesn't trust the drug and just wants me to be safe. I completely understand this but I just don't want to make that promise and I want him to respect that. I don't know how to tell him that he's caring too much about me and if i do say that he often suggests that I'm not caring enough about him as I wouldn't ask him to do the same thing. I do care about him massively but I respect that that sort of thing is his decision and I trust him to make the right decisions. This is something that I feel he doesn't have with me and trying to explain that is hard. Now I know this sounds like the beginning of a controlling relationship but he has compromised with it a lot which I know is hard for him to do and I respect that but I'm still finding it hard because sometimes it comes out in other small ways. For example sometimes when we're cooking he'll grab the knife off me and take over without saying anything. I've always spoken up about it as it makes me feel patronised and like he doesn't trust me to even chop an onion! I feel that recently our relationship has lacked fun since he's decided to not take any drugs anymore or even drink that much. I don't rely on any substances to have fun but I do enjoy it from time to time and i feel like he's trying to make me do the same thing even though i don't want to. I feel he can judge something or someone, very quickly and then come to the worse about people - often my friends. This can seem like he's suggesting that my friends have a bad influence on my rather then accepting that I'm a strong adult who can make my own decisions. I still want to live with him and i think this issue can be solved as he's always up for talking about it and our arguments have never lasted longer then a few hours but I just want some advice on how to make him see where I'm coming from without it sounding like i'm telling him to just stop caring about me so much as that sounds like a bit of a slap in the face. I don't want this relationship to become a parent/child power play rather then a relationship of equals. I know he doesn't do it on purpose and so thats why I'm finding it hard to explain and to resolve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2016): I'm taking your age into consideration here. There's going to be peer-pressure to remain within popular social circles, and drug-experimentation. Then comes that point in life when you must pull it together.
Have you finished college, do you have a degree? Do you have goals and ambitions? Drug-culture usually leads to a loss of ambition and/or drug-abuse. The most popular cliche is, "I can control it, and it's just on weekends."
Well, I've witnessed a lot over the years. People I've considered friends, or respected colleagues. We're talking doctors, lawyers, judges, politicians, and even police officer's. People I care about, who have lost their careers, spouses,and families; because they have turned into addicts or alcoholics. The party was just better when enhanced with a pill, something in a bottle, a pipe, a needle, or rolled in paper. Drugs are attached to many demons. They possess lives and destroy them.
He knows starting out so young, you haven't really accomplished much. He may be deciding that's not the route he wants to take. Caring for you, he wouldn't want that for you either.
I don't think he's going to move in with you. If he'd been the one who wrote the post; I would have advised him not to. Not if he's trying to change his lifestyle, and has something better in mind for his future. This is no slight on you. I don't know you. I only know what my experience has taught me about people and using drugs. The outcome is pretty predictable and consistent.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 May 2016):
 You can have the choice to do drugs if you want, he wants you to promise him not to because he cares about you and what these drugs might do to you? You have saw cases am sure where someone gets a bad tablet and boom they are dead. I have saw people die from legal pills. So has he the right to worry, yes, it just sounds like he has grown up quicker than you and he wants to have a clean life. He is not caring to much about you, he just doesn't want you to damage your health or worse kill yourself. If he said to you I am going to go out and run in front of cars, but trust me I am quick enough to avoid them, would you sit back and watch? Tell him you don't care?
It does not sound like the start off a controlling relationship at all, it sounds like he is maturing and you are not. He has cleaned up his act and I say good for him, that does not take the fun out of the relationship, it means he wants to be healthy, fair play to him. Doing drugs may seem fun until something serious happens. I am glad he has saw sense.
I know you want to live with him, but I think you both might need to think about what you really want, as this may not work out in the future if you both want different things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): What's the specific drug? Weed or heroin? Big difference. Someday you'll find he was right about avoiding them altogether but you're of an age where you still believe you are immortal. That you can do damaging things to your body without sustaining any damage. Kind of La la Land thinking. Mythical. Fairy tale.
That being said, if you don't want to make promises, don't make any. Just be prepared for him to make his own choices. Some of which may not involve you at all. As in, he'll say goodbye to you and find someone who can resist temptation. Someone who can recognise that sometimes in a relationship you put the team ahead of the individual.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): It sounds like he wants to be clean up his life and get away from drugs. If that's what he wants, he probably can't stay with you without getting sucked back in.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (24 May 2016):
It doesn't sound like a controlling relationship to me at all OP, it sounds like he is growing up and realising how reckless he has been with his health and he's now worried for your safety because you don't see the danger in what you are doing.
Asking a partner to avoid drugs is a completely legitimate request and one which MANY people would make. You are of course well within your rights to refuse his request, but he also has the right to refuse to accept your stance and find a girlfriend who is drug free.
You say you want him to trust you to make the right decisions but it isn't about trust at all. The fact is you have grown to have different values about drugs now and if you don't want to change to suit his new mindset, then I don't see much of a future for this relationship.
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