A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 17 and my boyfriend and I have been going out for a year and have had sex before.. a few nights ago we were alone at his house and he was drinking. I was sober, and we were in bed. This is so nerve racking and embarrassing to say.. We were falling asleep in a "spooning" position and he said he wanted to fall asleep.. linked together (for lack of better wording).. for some odd reason this seemed romantic to me so I said it was okay. (On a side note we had been sexually active earlier that night and I was really sore).After a while however he started grinding his hips into me.. I told him it was hurting me and asked him to stop.. he stopped for a moment and then continued.. I told him it was hurting me over and over but he wouldn't stop.. he was saying that him not being able to stop just showed how much he wanted me. Eventually I hit him and got up telling him the only thing it showed was he didn't care.. I don't know what to do, he's not a bad guy, he was drunk..
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female
reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 It sounds like he is really sorry since he poured out all of the alcohol and my advice is to believe him.
What he did is unacceptable and he understands that so I think everything will work out for you two.
Good Luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers, like most of you I couldn't come to a cut and dry answer.. like Old man and others said it's a very grey area and I guess thats what threw me off. Just to set the record straight I was never going to turn him in, he is a great person and everyone has their moments (Not trying to justify, only simply stating.)I just needed to get it off my chest and know I wasn't blowing what happened out of proportion. We're still together, and it's hard but I honestly think we'll be able to pull through this one. He's promised me it will never happen again and poured out all the alcohol we had, which made me feel so much better. I don't want to make this tooo extremely long and bore you all to death :P but thank you again for your input, it is valued more than you know. I was leaning towards thinking of it as a boundries/ behaviour problem instead of rape and your advice let me know I don't have to feel bad about forgiving him.Thank you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): As usual, I agree with Old Guy's assessment of the situation. Yes, he should have stopped when you asked, and the fact that he didn't does technically make it rape. It is something you definitely should talk about. It doesn't matter if it was hurting you or not, even if you had been enjoying it at the time and then changed your mind, as soon as you said stop, he should have. It is a grey area to be sure, and I know it's hard, but I think if you talk things out you can get through it. But, if you feel this will happen again or that you cannot forgive what happened, then you need to look out for yourself. If you need to talk or anything, you're more than welcome to message, I'd love to try to help more if I can. Good luck with everything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): Really it's up to you how you want to define it. You said no, he didn't stop, so strictly speaking it *is* rape. But it doesn't sound like the kind of thing you want to take to the police. Rather, it sounds like a discussion a couple should have about boundries and behaviour.
I'm not going to defend his actions, not for a second. But ...
Close sexual relationships inevetably have these kinds of gray areas. You had already had sex, and you consented to some further activity. Of course he should have stopped when you told him to. His being drunk doesn't give him license to just do what he wanted. But it really sounds like just a human mistake under poor circumstances.
Your call, of course, about how you care to deal with it. If you think his drinking and subsequent poor judgment is a reason to end the relationship, that's perfectly fair. But honestly I think you'd have a tough time convincing a DA that he deserves jail.
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet +, writes (10 September 2009):
He was hurting you and you asked him to stop and he didn't. Yes that is rape. Do whatever you think feels right. You need to talk to him about this before you do anything. This is bothering you and he needs to know what he has done is wrong.
Good Luck and please update! If you need to talk please send me a message!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): its is plainly a gender difference. thats y opinion. the guy may be loving you. the way is different. as a woman u needed more attention when u had problems. as a guy he wanted to have sex when he wanted. it was good that you plainly told that u cannot, cos bad people keep in mind and let it grow. but same time he might be hurt. speak about it and come into compromise.As for the question 'whether it was a rape?' it depends on how you take it. according to your nations law it may come under rape. but according to an understanding between u and him will it? as an unknown friend my word is not to take it as rape. he must be loving you. or just for love making or for rude sex he can go out and get a paid help... he did not do that. he tried to be with you. but the time he selected was not good. so discuss you both. and educate him your feelings and his feelings are different. i wish you good luck and having a happy life all thru the life having kids and grand kids.there are any a thing which may not have a proper convincing answer. but love love love unconditionally.but in case if he never ever cares for you, you have to stand for yourself and take appropriate action.i appreciate your open mindedness.
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