A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 23 years old and have been in a committed relationship with a woman I love to death for about 2 years now.She knows she wants children in the future but I'm still unsure. When we talk about it, she gets upset and says she doesn't want to wait around for 5 years only to have me say I don't want them. I think that's fair, and I don't want to waste her time, but I am feeling pressured to decide on something that I feel way too young to be even thinking about. I have graduate school and career-building on my mind, and I honestly don't know which way I lean on the whole having kids issue. A part of me thinks I might want that one day (likely further down the road than what she has in mind), but another part of me thinks that I can be satisfied with my life without them.I don't want to lose her, but she's getting tired of my uncertainty and I personally don't see myself coming to a definitive decision on this any time soon.Any thoughts/advice on this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): Ask her to either: 1. Wait, 2. Be ready to accept you may never want children, and then take the consequences.
I know you love her, but with over three billion women in the world, by the process of elimination, your chances of being this happy with a woman AND share equal values on family planning are incredibly high.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (22 July 2010):
 I think you could both stand to wait 3 or 4 years and that would give you both time to be prepared for that chapter. So don't shut down, don't shut her out, be open to the idea just make sure she understands it's not "No forever." it's just "No not right now". If she thinks there's a possibility it might be easier for her to accept. Just don't be surpried if she "forgets" to take her birth control pill someday and Ooooops! It just happens.
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A
female
reader, romany +, writes (22 July 2010):
 Auntie E has said exactly what i was gonna say, when she said,
Trust your gut feeling.
I dont think you should give in to pressure either, I think you'd find yourself regretting it, and i also think that if you decide to continue the relationship with her, dont let her take control of the birth control, sometimes some women get it into their head that if a baby was on the way, he'd change his mind, Its very common, just got to see the statistics for single mothers.
Personally, i dont think the relationship is set to last, no matter how much you love each other at the moment, you want such different things in life.
Good Luck,
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A
female
reader, a_seidner06  +, writes (22 July 2010):
 children- its a hard subject. I think you should get yourself underway as Auntie E was saying. If you do you for a while and your successful in whatever it is your doing, the right girl will come into your life. Not saying this present girl is not, but if she is already pressuring you and you feel as if you still have things to do for yourself, there is someone else out there for the both of you. A guy who is ready to settle down like she is and a woman who is working towards a career as you are. Good luck. Keep us posted on this!
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (22 July 2010):
 Do not give into this sort of pressure. This is so unfair. Move on. Get your life underway. You two are going in two different directions. Remain true to yourself. I personally know of a few men who got married at your age under pressure and are now trying to figure out how to get out now that the kids are grown. See what I'm saying. Trust what your gut is telling you.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (22 July 2010):
 My husband didn't know if he wanted kids and we would have the same kind of discussions that you are having with your partner too. We waited until I was nearly in my 30's to start having them and he was still feeling a bit unsure about it all even while I was pregnant. Now that they are here (we have 3 of them) he says he couldn't imagine not having them.
I don't know if any of us are really ever "ready" to have kids. It's a hard decision because you are not going to know what you think about it all until they are there.
I know this doesn't really answer your question but I'm hoping that knowing you are not the only one will help.
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