A
female
age
36-40,
*ingerbread
writes:Hi,I have been in what I considered to be a good relationship with a very kind, loving man for the past 5 years, living together for the past year. Last week I found out that he has been lying to me about his career since we met. He told me that he was a physiotherapist (like me) but in fact has been working as a gym instructor in a completely different location. He has lied repeatedly to cover up this lie, even when confronted. He only told me because he now has a new job as an electrician and thinks that he no longer needs to lie. I have asked him to move out so I have some space to think about this, he keeps sending flowers and jewellery, letters and texts trying to explain why and grovelling / apologising. I have told a few friends and my parents and sister whose opinions range from "whatever you want to do is fine"(My Sister) and "I think its unforgivable"(My Mum)I just don't know what to do! I don't know if it's possible to forgive a lie this big and long lasting or even if I should! I love him but I don't know if its possible to continue in this relationship when I'm so angry and can't trust him.So my question is: if you imagine yourself in my position, what would you do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): Didn't you ever visit him at work?
Most couples do or get together for lunch from time to time.
Whatever the case, that is a major lie in my book and I could never trust him with anything he told me.
It makes me wonder what else he has lied to you about.
This would be a dealbreaker for me.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 December 2015):
 I can understand when you first began dating maybe he wanted to impress you by telling you that he also was a physio, but baffles me though is why he felt the need to keep up the pretense for so long. We can only advice you what to do here, you need to follow your own heart, but my advice is if you cannot trust him the relationship will not work out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 December 2015):
 I'd consider what else he has lied about in the past 5 years. Honestly. That was my first thought. I'd feel like the relationship was a sham, that I had been living with and dating someone I really don't know and I can't trust..
The fact that he STUCK with it for 5 years, and when confronted he lied some more to cover up the initial lie. He had AMPLE opportunity to come clean. HE CHOSE to keep lying. It also tells me that lying comes easy to him and that he sees nothing wrong in lying to you, his partner. And the statement : "He only told me because he now has a new job as an electrician and thinks that he no longer needs to lie." It's SO off the wall. Like he somehow was FORCED to lie to you about his job?! And that is also HIM not taking any responsibility here for how LONG this lie/fantasy went on. It ALMOST sounds like he is "blaming" you for having to lie.
I know most people tell "little white lies" here and there - but this isn't just a "little white lie". This is kind of major.
I DO find it incredulous that you didn't know what he really did for a job while dating him for 5 and living with him for 1 year. But I suppose that you just presumed he wouldn't lie about what he did for a living, most people don't. There is nothing wrong in being a personal trainer. (if THAT is really what he did......)
I can't tell you how to feel - I know for me, this would be a deal-breaker. Dishonesty leads to distrust.. Without trust, what do you really have?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): If he has lied about his work to that extent I would feel the whole relationship is a lie. Being a healthcare professional myself I cannot get my head around how he managed to lie so blatantly. What about his HPCP membership? You are both under the same professional body so you must have discussed your continual learning and compulsory skill updating and conferences/training days as its such a huge part of our work.
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