A
male
age
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*ndyrobert
writes:I caught my wife having sex with another man. She says it was the first time she did this, but she did him with me just 30 feet away and right out in the open when i saw them. He says it was flirting that got out of hand. She says she don't know why.I feel they are both sorry for destroying me. Her and i have a child together. I can't get that image of him balls deep in her and don't know if can ever trust her again. She said she did not like it cause he slapped her and pulled her hair and hurt her and she sorry for hurting me. I am lost and confused. What should i do?It happened 2 nights ago. Its hard to be around the trash. She knows i hate her and does not understand why i still around. I stay around cause of my daughter. Don't know how this will affect my daughter. One other thing she says shes hooked on pain killers and she would not have done if not for that. HELP
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2016): Have you taken to heart the meaning of this? http://www.prayers-for-special-help.com/serenity-prayer.html
My advice to you is this, if you decide to give your marriage another shot even if it's for your child, then commit to doing everything you can (out of the bottom of your heart) to fix it: CHEMISTRY, COMPATIBILITY, COMMUNICATE, COMPROMISE, CHOICE. This is what my 2yrs of introspection resulted to before deciding to divorce (and we don't have kids) because I REALIZED I SHOULD DO EVERYTHING I CAN NOT TO DIVORCE. Only then can you see if this will change the flow of your marriage. And if not, at least you have the peace and positive attitude that you have done what you can for your family to save your marriage before ending it and learned enough so that you will be stronger for the next relationship you choose to have.
Don't go back to the marriage thinking it will be the same, cause its not. Your eyes are now wide open to the problems, and if not, try to pinpoint the root cause of your marriage falling apart. Her cheating, I believe, is an outward reaction to something underlying.
1) CHEMISTRY - has the romance really gone? try to understand what love language you both need and do for others. I realized I prefer quality time over gifts. My husband prefers actions over quality time. So it's an effort but I tried.
2) COMPATIBILITY - having different personality doesn't mean it won't work, you could be different but if you two are heading towards the same direction and will support each other, then there's hope.
3) COMMUNICATION - this is essential, force yourself to have a heart-to-heart talk with each other about everything. People grow, what made them happy before may not be the same thing now and only way to find out is by being honest and respectful towards each other. Sometimes fighting is even healthy if that's a way to find the truth. Maybe texting is another way? Just find the best medium to communicate and don't let things fester or keep things under the rug. Face your fears.
4) COMPROMISE - this is another hard part but if you can see it from your partner's perspective maybe you can understand better why all these have happened. Change what you can and accept what you cannot change.
5) CHOICE - choose to always fight for your marriage, for her and she must commit to choosing you as well. It may be hard at first but think of God's love in sacrificing His son to save us sinners. Who are we to abandon her for her mistake? Maybe if we show a bit more kindness but firmness, maybe she will repent.
All I know is I felt God touched my husband's heart because he was able to see beyond the jealousy for the guy I had an emotional affair with and SAW MY DEPRESSION before the affair started. He realized that my happiness is not with the life HE had wanted for us, that I wanted a different life and as much as I want to take him to an adventure that I've given up for him, he is adamant about staying right where he is. He finally understood that I love him but not to the point that I would succumb myself in a lifestyle that caused me to be depressed. I need a change but he doesn't want to change just for me because he doesn't trust me to be loyal to him anymore. So if he cannot trust me, then I must leave than be a burden to him in this marriage.
I sacrificed a lot for him and he did the same for me but we're both miserable by it. Now, I truly believe that being apart is better for us. We are happier together now after accepting that we cannot live together because of our different picture of a future in life.
But that's my story. I won't deny that I fell in love with that other guy but I refuse to end my marriage to be with him either. Now I know I am ending it because as the priest once told me "some marriages shouldn't have started to begin with". Your story may be different. And she may not be like my husband. But DON'T LET YOUR MARRIAGE STAY UNHAPPY, do what you can to change it.
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reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 May 2016):
 There is nothing stopping you from leaving her. What is the point living your life in such misery? You choose to forgive her therefore yes she will think she can get away with having sex with other men. Time to leave, and look after yourself. If she is treating your child bad then get custody and be a good man and dad.
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male
reader, Andyrobert +, writes (5 May 2016):
Andyrobert is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All:From the bottom of my heart, I wish i had followed all of your advice and not went back to the woman. I live in pain and sorrow now about what she did. It keeps haunting me over and over. The thoughts of what they did are tearing me apart. She still treats me and our child like shit. In a bad spot to leave her now. She acts like she cares about me, but she acted like she cared before she made the choich to fuck someone else. It more than likley will happen again. Me the asshole now for not leaving her i know this and have to live with it. Maybe God is showing me I need to get out and she won't ever change. I pray he gives me what i need to leave.
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female
reader, mishi 1 +, writes (20 December 2015):
 Hi,
I am sorry that you are going through that. All I can say leave her asap. she don't deserve you.
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male
reader, Andyrobert +, writes (18 December 2015):
Andyrobert is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI love all of you guys for the answers i've seen so far. Got to tell yea, they are right on the money and very insitefull. As of now shes gotten cold and has anger issues. Said shes done crying cause iam going to leave anyway. I see she has noremorse and i do feel played. I will never forget what i saw. She might go thru the motions and just be smarter not to get caught next time. Their stories do not match. Blaming eachother stuff. I'am planning on taking my daughter( shes 5 ) got to raise money to move out and pay for divorse. The wife can then do what ever. It is tormenting to stay with her.
Keep the answers comming.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2015): I would stick around for a bit just to make sure that your wife hasnt taken leave of her senses.For all you know if she was having a quickie outside by the bins , then this guy may be providing her with something like crack cocaine in return for sex.Its possible that she may have developed a habit secretly and there is no way that i would leave a yound child unprotected in a situation like this.I would be as hard as nails and tell her that i would be sticking around past the new year.I wouldnt gather my hurt pride and vanish.I would tell her that if she feels that way about herself and her body then she can shag who she wants out by the bins but she could not endanger my child for whatever kicks she needed,.And i wouldnt bother to be jealous either.A quickie outside by the bins is nothing to be jealous of as its transactional sex.Then I would accept her apology as thats all thats left for her to give to you and I would get a few details about the guy s name and age and place he lives or hangs out other than the bins.I would install a video camera outside the house near the bins and if i saw the idiot i would ask him what he was on when fxxxing the wife?Also I would ask what he supplied and did she pay him anything other than sex and finally i would tell him to clear off and leave her alone.I wouldnt particularly blame the guy either as she may have propositioned him and he might have thought "why not give her one ..she,s not that ugly."Man to man it with him ..just to get it out in the open.Say "I saw you fxxxxing my wife out there by the bins...what was that about?You selling her something or she owes you for anything?"Having traded these remarks as calmly as possible i would have further words with the wife,asking her if she is planning on continuing as a hooker and what kind of example she expects that to be for the child.Then see a solicitor or arrange counselling for her to clean up her act.Think of the child who has a lifetime ahead of them.and needs a decent and sane adult near them. Dont think of sex or orgasms or sperm because those things come easy on the street,Think practically and send her off to an std clinic for the necessary checkups.Go with her in fact.And see if you can get her into rehab.But dont have sex with her again, certainly not at the moment.Try to bring her back to reality with talk of the family while you assess the situation.Dont pack up and leave, not yet at least.You must put on a stern face and tough it out for xmas and figure out why the wife has gone haywire.
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reader, aunt honesty +, writes (17 December 2015):
Leave her, explain to your daughter that mummy and daddy still love her but that they will be living separate. Also if she is addicted to painkillers then maybe she should not be left with your daughter, this is something to discuss with a social worker before you leave.
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reader, Garbo +, writes (17 December 2015):
 First, all of the excuses that she puts forth are bogus. It being the first time she cheated on you does not mean that it takes two times for it to count. That she is sorry after the fact is nonsense because as a grown woman she should know that before the fact. That she was on meds is also bunk because she had full set of faculties to flirt and take it higher. Whether she enjoyed sex with him or not is also irrelevant because fact of the matter is that she did it.
You maybe confused because it happened so unexpectedly, and so blatantly shocking. You may not know what to do because divorce was not on your mind... but divorce you should.
Look up a lawyer, and have him explain to you the options and ramifications of divorce proceedings. If those ramification suit you, then file for divorce.
What you witnessed is indeed something that is nearly impossible to erase out of your soul. The only remedy is to be apart from the person who has violated the trust.
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reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (17 December 2015):
First things first....NO HATING!!!!
Go down that road of hate, and you will find yourself in a world of misery so deep, it will take you years to get out...if ever.
The fact that they are both trying to justify their actions in the dumbest way, says they truly do not grasp the full extent of their actions...which means...you or her have to leave.
2nd...NO anger...sure...easy to say right??? But let me ask you this...Tell me once where anger has ever solved a problem for the better??
3rd...Do nothing stupid that will land you in jail.
4th...No yelling or scream...just like anger...useless.
Tell her to pack her stuff, or you pack your stuff...either way, you need to be away from the cause of this situation.
Get a lawyer and end it as soon as you can...Then start moving on with your life. Getting depressed over two people like this, will make you just like them...and then they win...why? Because they will move on with each other while you are still stuck in misery.
Do not sit there stewing in all this...MOVE...do the right things that need to be done....For you and your child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): She is surprised you haven't left.
That means she thinks you should rightfully leave. But when you stay, she takes that as a lack of self-respect on your part. That means she will respect you less now too.
And that means she will probably cheat on you again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): My heart goes out to you I am so sorry, its very painful to find out something like this. I had a boyfriend that had no morals or loyalty so I know how it hurts. I think for your own sanity you must leave this witch, if you stay you will be rubbing salt in the wound and you obviously deserve better than her. Talk to your daughter and explain that you still love her very much but Daddy and Mummy have fallen out (adjust what you tell your daughter to suit her age and understanding) Have you any family or good friends near at a time like this a Mum, Dad, Brother, Sister can be a great support. Get some legal advice and I think you need some pain killers not her. Good luck all the best
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): Ok there are two things your wife did. 1.) she cheated on you2.) she (had the guts)lied to you.How could she say she didn't like it after cheating on you. That is the attitude of a person who has no remorse. I feel very sorry for you. pain killers dosent make you cheat. She is playing on your intelligence. It is utter disrespect for her to have sex in the open, feets from you. You are either very tolerant or extremely calm and she has been playing tricks for so long you didn't see this coming perhaps.I want to say leave her because she isn't remorseful a bit but who am I to judge. It all boils down to you in the end. If you can't make it work(trust) then break it(leave). It's torture to live with that woman under the same roof. Noone forgets cheating, they only forgive. And please, she knows why she did what she did. Please move on(ok not my place to say). I wish you all the best in your decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): My husband and I went through the same thing although it's what I refer to as an "emotional affair". I cheated on my husband (unintentionally). He was a co-worker who I have gotten closer with. I chose to end it because I was crossing unfamiliar territory and it felt wrong. Lucky for me, he chose to say goodbye too because he doesn't want to be the reason for ending my marriage. After much introspection, I realized that the root of my infidelity is that my husband and I want/expect different things out of each other and I chose to stay with him for fear of being alone, for being comfortable in a relationship even if I don't truly love him. Does that mean I want to end our marriage? I don't know.
I firmly believe that cheating happens because there's something in the relationship between the two persons involved that hasn't been satisfied. Whether it's an individual issue or relationship issue. Thus, people seek outside forms to address this: family, friends, hobbies, religion & career. Unfortunately when you go overboard, this is what happens: overwork, drunkenness, drugs, infidelity & not spending time with the spouse causing the problems to grow and pulling each other apart even more.
I have to be honest in saying that, though that incident in my life was unfortunate for my marriage, it made me and my husband face what is wrong with our marriage. I chose to take the steps to see if I can fix this (Moved back in after I moved out for 6mos.) and he chose to listen to what I have been telling him for years of what my issues were. We both have changed since. We still care for each other. We're still working on it. Unfortunately, it's up to me to decide if I want a divorce or not, and I think I am closing to admitting that marriage is a life I don't want. I believe we both deserve to be happy and I just need to find a reason how we can be happy together. I'm still hoping that he and I make each other better but we've been in this same stagnant relationship and I think it's time to give ourselves a chance to be happy in a different way. I still care about him which is why I really don't want a divorce but I also don't want to remain unhappy. So I need time to weigh things.
I hope this will shed some light into yours. You need to remember that you are a good person, no matter what, and he's not a better guy than you etc. She didn't cheat on you because you are not good enough. If that's what she thinks, then she doesn't value you.
You need to identify what YOU want. Do you really love your wife? Is she worth fighting for? Are you really happy with your marriage? If you don't have to think about anyone else except your own happiness, what would you do?
You also need to identify what was MISSING in your marriage. Can you do something about it? Is it something that can change to make you both happier? Why do you think your wife cheated? Was she depressed? Is it frustration over the kids?
And then MAKE A PLAN, set a timeline, talk to a priest, a counselor. You then need to talk to your wife about this. What does she want? Do you want to separate? Do you want divorce?
This is what I believe (it may not apply to you): Don't divorce until you have done all you can to save your marriage. But ONLY if your spouse is willing to do the same. It takes two to keep a marriage, and just one to end it.
"When it is time for you to divorce, you won't be asking anyone if it is the right thing to do or not. You will know in your heart that it is time to take your life in a new direction."
This is a prayer I like to say but you can take it as an advice too. You don't have to be religious to appreciate these words and apply it in your life: http://www.prayers-for-special-help.com/serenity-prayer.html
Stay strong & keep us posted.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (17 December 2015):
 Cheating on your spouse is not a side effect of pain killers and the fact that she didn't like it is irrelevant. Sorry is for being caught. My advice is to pack up your dignity and leave. Hard, yes of course but from my own personal experience leaving a cheater, in time, becomes more a case of out of sight out of mind and the healing is quicker and you are free to move forward. Staying is tormenting yourself day after day because you are living with a constant reminder of the betrayal, rehashing the who where whys and whats, hyper vigilance is an exhausting soul sucking and time consuming exercise and the images of what you do know and what you never know will drive you mad taking a toll on your mental and physical health- at the end of all this, things never really get back to what you had, even couples that do the hard yards or the inevitable split happens anyway You don't mention the age of your child however children can and do adjust. the mistake that parents make when separating is involving them in what should be dealt with by adults, not working together to ensure that regardless they are and will always be loved by both parents and acknowledging that they are hurting too. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.
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