A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My mother in law keeps my husband so occupied that he has no social life. It's been two years of our marriage he has not been able to nurture our relationship because of lack of time.She's made it mandatory to spend hours with her everyday. He can't think of anything else. I tried talking about it to him but he's so docile he just said whatever keeps her happy.I am tired, I feel at this pace we would never make a perfect team because he has no time to make efforts for us.please help, talking to my mother in law will not help, because she is blind enough not to see that he doesn't have a friend circle. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2015): Thank you once again for beautiful advise! My father in law is a very humble person, he is the best father in law I could ever have.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2015): You've given me more to go on and now I see the situation more clearly. You mention nothing of your father-in-law; which leads me to believe he is either absent, or inattentive to her needs. Women often turn to their children; when their lives are empty, and they feel their purpose is gone once the last child has left their home. Some feel their only purpose in life was to be a mother, and there is nothing wrong with that. That is a tremendous responsibility. The very lives of her offspring, their well-being, safety, nutrition, and guidance rests in her hands.
If your husband is about 30ish, I take it his mother is in her late fifties or sixties. If she lives alone, she is making quite sure she is not abandoned by the brood she devoted her life to. Whether she left a career or gave up a lot to be their mother, she still has no right to rob them of their marriages and their independence as adults. You have to wean her as she weaned her babies from her milk.
She has to find other things to do with her idle time, and you must let her know that you have other things that require your time; even if it is nothing but to sit and do nothing but sit on your bum, and enjoy the company of your husband.
Your mother-in-law had, or has, a marriage. Mostly like she did not allow her mother or mother-in-law to take her life away and interfere with her marriage. Nor place the burden of attending to them on demand.
She is being selfish and demanding and you both are enabling her.
As I did advise previously, you must take charge of your household. You and your husband have to place priority on your marriage, and let her know that he is no longer a little boy. If he is so docile that he can't behave as a man, then again. It's not his mother who has a problem. It is the both of you who will not remind her he is no longer a child. You are a married couple; and you have your own household to attend to, just as she once put her marriage and family first. The power she has over your marriage is the power you've granted her. Time for you and your husband to grow-up, set her straight, or you will grow apart. She's not his wife. You are!
...............................
A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (23 August 2015):
Hey, I do understand how you feel. But here's the question, are you from the traditional background or is your husband brought up in the same?In our culture, families tend to interfere more, especially mothers. They need to know that their son is their's alone. Whichever end of our culture you come from. Try spending more time with your mother-in-law. Try keeping your husband away. Help him break away a little, while attracting him towards you. Maybe the fact that you are paying more attention with his mother will cause him to lose the excuse of running to his mum and you can figure out what the real issue is. As unfortunate as it is, these kinds of silly tactics seem to work better on Indian men. They don't really grow out of being their mother's kid very easy. Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2015): Thank you for such a prompt reply!
Sex life is great I can truly feel he loves me, but when it comes to her things are very different. I have put all my efforts being a part of whatever he does for her, at times she'd keep talking to me without realising its late night and I got an early day tomorrow. She keeps him thoroughly engaged and if I start being a part of it she'd do the same to me and we both land up doing different stuffs that's how all the time goes.He is not the only child but since younger one does the same it makes him feel that he's running out of his responsibilities,younger son isn't married though.Even if I take the message and have him call her back that doesn't help once she starts speaking. At times we are in middle of our act and she'd call it's very hurtful to me and I am tired explaining, If he's on a business trip and he calls up his mom coz she's made it mandatory later he'd call me and say I am too tired to talk lets talk tomorrow,I don't feel like respecting her anymore because she's not letting us grow and understand each other, she could be a better cook because she's a home maker and old enough to have cooked everything gazillion times and I have a full fledged career but I cook great as well!
She has sympathy from her sons because she left her career in the past and chose to be a home maker and she blames that too on her sons very conveniently but reality is she is not at all a risk taker to have made it big in her career.later whatever venture she'd started she left it midway and she got all more sympathy coz everyone thought she's so helpless she's not confident of anything,I really don't think I can change anything.
Frankly speaking I don't want to change anything about my husband but this is something I cannot live with.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2015): This is a very personal question. How's your love-life? Does he seem interested in sex?
It sounds like he's avoiding his duties as a husband and hiding behind his mother's skirts. He's a teat-sucking mama's boy, and it's up to you to turn that around. You shouldn't be competing with your mother-in-law for your husband's time. A wife should never have to feel her husband spends too much time with his mother. He sounds profoundly immature.
Put your foot down and cut the umbilical cord. You can do that and still stay within cultural etiquette. Find ways to distract him and keep him busy. Depending on whether you come from the more progressive side of your culture; or married into the more traditional, where the husband always has his way. If his mother has that much influence, I think you've got some headway. Intercept her calls and make conversation. Delay her as long as you can, even if she insists on speaking to him. If it's not an emergency, you can take a message and have him call her back.
She is purposely intervening in your marriage because she may have her own personal reservations about you. She's being sneaky, and trying to make you feel neglected. She wants to continue feeling like his mommy. He's too old for that. She needs something to do with herself.
Is he an only child? If he isn't, it's not her. It's him!
He's hiding out at her house to get away from your marriage.
Pop over and invite yourself in. Join them, and spend as much time with them as you can. Even if you hate it. You're a couple, and you should arrive at her door that way.
Takeover their little mommy and sonny-boy visits. Bring tea, flowers, and goodies to be a part of it. Make your presence felt. Don't shy away. She is playing tug-of-war, and you've got to push back. You don't get just sonny, you get your son and his wife. Insist on joining him, or go on your own. Don't be left behind waiting.
Allowing him to spend all his time there means you're a little remiss in your duties as his wife. Maybe he likes her cooking better than yours. My mother is Native American, and couldn't cook many of the dishes my dad grew up on. Early in their marriage, he often invited his sisters over to teach her to cook; or to do the cooking. If my mother wasn't so much younger than he, she would have been offended. But she learned, and kicked them out of her kitchen. She took charge of her home. Now that's what you have to do.
It's not just he who is docile. You are too. You both cater to her, when you are newlyweds who should be focusing on each other. If he seems unresponsive in the bedroom, he just might be gay! He is running to his mother to avoid having to be the man of the house. If this isn't the case, he's still a teat-sucking mama's boy; and you've got your work cutout for you. Help him to realize that adult men do not spend more time with their mothers than their wives.
There's something a little unhealthy about that.
...............................
|
