A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need advice. Stat.I am a 33 year old straight woman. I just found out today that my new boyfriend is pretty submissive. I'm submissive too (as in I like a man to be in charge), so that creates issues right there that neither of us are a dominant. What's more concerning for me though is that his version of submission also includes some kink that I'm REALLY not familiar with. Think dog collars and leashes. I mean, I really don't know if I have it in me to be the type of dominant he needs. I mean, I can tell him what I like and what I need, but I don't think I can (or maybe even have interest enough in to) tie his hands behind his back--I don't even know if I'd know what to do after he's secured; I don't get the psychology behind it just like I don't get foodies or pony play. I'm not sure he needs/wants something as far as a dominatrix, but he definitely needs dominant. I love to see him in ecstasy and it's within my own submissive nature to please him in whatever way I can. But by definition, it's outside of my submissive nature to be dominant. What do I do? I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to give him what he needs and an otherwise decent and healthy relationship is going to tank because of it.The psychologist in me is thinking (too much) that if I can get to the root of his submissive nature that perhaps I can supply him with what he needs at the root and skip the dominant part, but on the other hand, with my own submissive nature I just know it's what I like because it exemplifies masculinity (strength, power, passion, desire, etc) and it's just what I like--I don't know that there is a "root" of it. So if there's not much of a root for me, there may not be much of one for him either and I won't be able to psych my way out of it. So what I really need is for someone to tell me that this is salvageable and give me strong backing to support it. So far all of the books I've researched on becoming a dominant female are written from the perspective of the woman already having the desire to be dominant. There's not much information on how or even if a submissive can be more dominant to please her submissive partner. Heeeeeeelp! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (17 August 2009):
A relationship is a two way street, and your post strikes me as being all about what you can / can't do for him. An equally important question has to be what can he do for you?
You identify as having a submissive nature, so perhaps that is quite natural for you but you still have to acknowledge that you have needs too - otherwise you will end up frustrated and dissatisfied.
In the spirit of give and take there are things in any relationship that we do because our partner likes us to. Perhaps the question you need to explore is can you role play being dominant with him on occasions, and would that be enough for him?
Equally, outside of such times can he be "the man" enough for you?
It sounds like you both need to be open and honest with each other about your wants, needs and feelings and see if there is a way to compromise and find a solution that suits you both.
Failing which, as the saying goes "opposites attract" and in this case you could just be too similar to make it work.
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (17 August 2009):
I dont think you can change who you are and you shoudlnt not try too. If you are submissive by nature, then thats an important part of who you are and in my experience as hard as you try to change something like that itjust wont change. You shoudlnt try to change either because if you do, you wontbe truly happy.
I guess what it comes down to is how much you both want to be with a dominant partner. How important is that to you and him? Are you both prepared to accept each other for who you are? You need to find out how important it is to him and to yourself, rather then try to change who you are or him change.
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