A
female
age
30-35,
*utiepiesensei
writes:Ok so my boyfriend of one year said that he wants us to take a break. He used to be head over heels in love with me, even so much as saying that he could see me as his wife. But this past summer was extremely difficult for the both of us and I said something really stupid to him during the heat of an argument. He says at that point he kinda unattached himself from the relationship. That was over a month ago. He still says that he loves me more than anyone else and still is in love with me, just not as much as he used to (like on a scale of one to ten he used to be a 12, and now he is a 9). He says that even though he isn't as "in love" with me as before, we've continued to talk and he feels like he is slowly but surely falling back in love with me. He just said that right now, both of us have gone through many changes and while I'm almost 100% better, he said he's still got some issues with himself to work out because he knows that he is not the guy right now that I originally fell in love with even though that is what he wants to be. He said that the stuff that he went through that changed him over the summer was drastic, and he needs something just as drastic to change him back (e.g. a breakup). And though we are apart, he says he DOES NOT by any means whatsoever want to date anyone else. He also says he can still see himself having a future with me and if I ever get with another guy, he will later on try to fight to get me back.I gave him what he wanted. I said fine, we can break up and still be friends. Through this whole time he still texts me everyday and not just your normal "hey wassup?" but "hey angel. i miss you. you're wonderful. wassup?" (and that is an EXACT text message he sent me two days ago). He still calls me all the pet names (angel, love, baby, gorgeous, wonderful, etc.) and he still continues to say "i love you" without ANY provocation from me (I have yet to say it first). He says he could never call anyone else those names. He always lavishes me with compliments, tells me how sexy/beautiful i look when we are on skype (even going so far as to say i look so gorgeous and that if he was over where i was he would do me lol), and when we are together he always wants to be really close to me (sit in his lap, put his arms around me, have our foreheads touch). And from what I have heard from friends, even when he goes out to parties (he's a new frat boy, doesn't drink though lol) he refuses to dance with any females. He told me that he doesn't dance with any of them because none of them measure up to me and he feels wrong being that close to anyone else. I'm just so confused because i told him that if we aren't together, then he can't do those things, even though I really want him to, but it's like he can't stop doing those things. He'll stop for like 20 minutes, and then will slip right back into that old routine.Here is an exact text that he left me yesterday:"You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Each night I think of you before I sleep. You are an angel in every way. You have the beauty of an angel and the intelligence and grace of one :) you are my everything."And yet through it all, he still says he isn't quite ready yet to get back into a relationship. But isn't he pretty much acting like it? I mean I just figured he wants to feel EXACTLY as strongly as he used to, but still I feel like he cares about me enough for us to still maintain a good relationship and grow stronger. The most he has done during this time apart is just talk to females, but not even as trying to date them, just as regular friends. And the reason why more females have been talking to him is because he is a new member of that fraternity (he's been getting a lot of attention and though he hasn't taken advantage of it, he is on a bit of a high because he has never had this much attention before). I don't look at him badly for having female friends, i told him i really don't mind because I have plenty of male friends, but he also says that when he hangs with them he feels like if he is in a relationship he will feel guilty like he is cheating even if they are doing nothing but some homework and just hanging out. He's not the player type.So where does this leave me? What should I do?
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a break, fell in love, player, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Okay, I have read your response and now that I have information about the comment you made, I'd break up with him again. If he loses you, it is what it is. No point in waiting around for him to figure out when he's back in love at his convenience. Once he has solved his problem and decided to commit to you, you can go from there. Relationships aren't something you just dip in and out of when things aren't going your way, you know? There are two people's feelings involved here.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 September 2010):
 Actually, I get where you made that comment. Were you saying that in a sense it seems all about you these days what about me? Then again I understand where he needs a break to sort through the tough stuff, but it still doesn't make any sense that he's happier being single but keeping everything the same minus the official title. I'm guessing by him taking a break from you it's lifting one weight of stress off his shoulders. He's not obligated to you, but he can do everything else, there's less arguments if not any at all, no fear of breaking up again, or even worrying about the relationship. I get it, but in the world we live in it's either one or other the other, gay or straight, black, or white, love or hate..there's just no happy median in this. You're not happy with how this is going and extremely confused. Who wants to go on feeling like that? Now, I know this guy is going to need longer than a 2-3 months span of time and he should know he can't ask you to wait around for him. You can if you want, but I don't suggest it. You're going to have to point out his actions and tell him it's one or the other, or if no one is happy in this situation then you need to take the reins and end it. If it was meant to be then he will come back to you when he is in a better state of mind.
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A
female
reader, cutiepiesensei +, writes (8 September 2010):
cutiepiesensei is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried to do the whole "well fine don't talk to me anymore if we can't be together" thing, and he really missed me and got back together with me because he said "he feared losing me forever". Problem is that even though we were back together, he was still unhappy and I could see it. I asked him about it and he said that even though he really loves me and still wants me he feels like he still needs time. That's why I went along with the whole "break" thing. I didn't want to be with him if he was unhappy. It's weird, because he acts like my boyfriend even more now than when we tried to work through it and stay together. Like he seems happier and dedicates more time to me. His happiness is like linked to how dedicated he seems to me.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (8 September 2010):
It's pretty simple to me. He goes out and has fun getting attention and flirting with other chicks, while giving you the verbal honey so that you stay home and wait around until he's finished having fun. He needs something drastic to change him back, right? I bet you telling him you're not waiting around for him would be pretty drastic, LOL.
Anyway, I'd talk with him and tell him this part time relationship is not working for you. It's one thing to take his time to get his head together, but he is asking a lot from you to wait around for him. This is the time where you have to take control of the relationship and say "love me or leave me alone." Leave him alone, let him miss you, and then reevaluate if you both want to be back together.
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A
female
reader, cutiepiesensei +, writes (8 September 2010):
cutiepiesensei is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told him that maybe we should not be together then and that i thought he shouldnt be with me then since he didn't take any of my ideas seriously (which i really didnt......i just wanted to get a point across). It was stupid because at that time he was going through some really tough stuff and I was being really selfish and should have been supporting him, not making things more difficult. So yes, it is my fault that this stuff even happened because i shouldn't have said that if I didn't mean it. It's just that he's done it also in the heat of an argument before (saying that maybe we shouldnt be together) but we never actually broke up. Like an hour later after he did that we'd be happy and back together.
After I had said that to him, I apologized and tried to correct the situation 45 minutes later, but by then, it was too late....
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 September 2010):
As long as you refrain from sex then it's not entirely a relationship and not a mess yet. Did he forget the he established you guys are on a break? Or is the break over and he forgot to tell you? I'm wondering what is so drastic that went on over the summer and what made him change..shed some light on that.
You just don't fall out of love, that part makes no sense to me. Love is black or white you're either in love or not there's no in between. The "break" is a rather gray area here, technically you guys aren't together so you can do whatever you please as in your momentarily broken up...where it gets even more mundane that he's acting like you guys are still together. If you guys are really on a break here then act like it. I suggest keeping the contact minimal, let him work on himself and you keep your time occupied with whatever activity. A break is to take time apart, neither of you are really doing that, space yourself from him more than you are. Point out what he's doing, and you're guilty of a lesser charge as well, that you guys really need to focus on being on a break, and establish a maximum amount of time you want to take on this break so he can utilize this time. For example, tell him 2-3 weeks with minimal contact no flirting, seeing each other, meet up for coffee so he can discuss his progress and where your relationship stands. Take this time to think for yourself although we haven't been together that long is he worth waiting for? Do I bid my time and wait for him to fix himself however long that may take or do I engage in casual dating to pass time and possibly soften the blow of a permanent break-up?
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A
male
reader, alex74 +, writes (8 September 2010):
 So, in the heat of the argument, what really stupid something did you say?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 September 2010):
 What you should do is go to the library and read every book you could about men and women in love. We have different communication styles. Find out how you could avoid a future argument by being more aware of how and when your negative emotions get triggered. It's not necessarily him or you that's doing anything wrong. He needs to miss you but you should still keep communicating with him.
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