A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello all.. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months. I’ve known him for almost a year and honestly, he is the best boyfriend over ever had. I’m not exaggerating. He treats me with love, respect and kindness. After breaking up with my abusive boyfriend a year ago, I thought I’d never find a good guy and I found him surprisingly. I have been incredibly happy since we got together.Well, my whole world came crashing down on me.. My boyfriend is Indian and his parents are traditional Indians from India. My boyfriend is very American and he’s Catholic, something his parents took years to accept, but he still has traditions to be apart of..Last night, my boyfriend finally told his parents he had a girlfriend. And according to him, they took it very badly. They told him he needed to focus on finishing college and being someone before having a girlfriend. They also mentioned that me not being Indian would cause culture issues. He said he spent all day trying to change their minds, but that they do not approve of his relationship with me.He basically told me we had to break up.. I was in utter disbelief. I literally felt like I couldn’t breathe. I have not been liked due to my race, but nothing to this magnitude. No one has ever made me feel like I was unsuited and not appropriate..I spent all last night trying to talk to my boyfriend but he said he felt it was hopeless because his parents have a certain way of thinking and they are paying his way through college and he doesn’t want to go against them. Even when he left my house and went back home, his parents were disappointed in him for coming to see me. He said I deserved to be with someone who didn’t have these issues and be with someone who’s family would accept me without question. He said he loved me and wanted to be friends, but I felt like I was drowning when he said this all this. I can’t be his friend, because I love him and it will hurt me too much.In my mind, I can’t just give up and let this go. I feel like I have to fight for my relationship. He said we can still hang out and talk but that we cannot do anything romantic as he felt like he would be lying to them and being unfair to me. Us breaking up for this reason is completely unacceptable to me.. I feel like I can’t just let go of someone I love so easily, especially now that I found someone amazing.Does this sound hopeless? Should I try talking to his parents? Should I try to fight for him? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): Sad situation,you could give it a little time to settle. I think for now you should fight for yourself and let go gracefully, if he is meant to return, he will. Then it is up to you, if you feel that you want a man back who was willing to give you up so quickly. Go and achieve your dreams, start building while you feel empty, put that energy into fighting for you!
Some relationships have worldviews that encompass nothing but their own beliefs, and to try and fit yourself into this or change their views are wrong.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (10 April 2018):
 When it comes to traditional issues, cut your losses and ditch the situation.
I make it my aim to stay away from people who have very traditional parents. Mainly because even though they themselves can be westernized to the T, they still have to go back and play mummy and daddy's perfect little traditional boy when the moments arise. I come from a place where there are multiple different cultures and the choice I made 'not to go there' came from a place of self preservation. I wouldn't be open to potentially getting my heart broken, which is what happened to you. I'm mixed and very open minded so I know about various religions and cultures even if they aren't in my bloodline... ultimately, it's something that cannot be changed because it's been honed over many many years and passed down through generations. Even though he is westernized, guaranteed he has to be a fully fledged Indian boy when it's time for him to be. The thing is, it's so hard to break tradition and often it's people trying to please their parents that leads to the compromise of their own feelings and happiness. Often times it's easier to just please the parents because facing their wrath is much worse. Why? because you will quite simply be shunned if you decide to go against your parents wishes in a lot of traditions. So he HAD to choose and he chose them.
Don't try to change the situation because you can't and don't fight for this because you shouldn't. Take it like all other things that we learn from in life.
It's not the end of the world and he won't be your last love. Find some comfort in that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2018): Not a hopeless situation; just a situation beyond your control. Hopeless would be never finding a nice-guy for yourself ever again. We know that's not going to be the case. You're only 18, and have years and years ahead of you. This is just one mishap or disappointment in life; you'll have to try and be grown-up enough to get-over.
I know you feel entitled to be with whomever you want; but as life will have it, sometimes things will not workout as you want them to. He really should be more focused on his studies; as should you, if you're also a college student.
You shouldn't confront his parents under any circumstances.
That would make them like you even less. It's thought by many other cultures that American parents are too lenient or permissive. I've even heard people claim we are spoiled, ungrateful, and over-privileged; compared to other nations or cultures. Confronting them would only convince them their decision is even more justified. In their eyes you would only seem disrespectful or rude.
How would you like some guy confronting your parents and going against their wishes? Even after you've decided to honor what they've asked you to do? It's now not just what they want, it's also what he wants.
He chooses to respect his family's traditions; and that means you would be stepping out of line to get involved. They support him financially, and could just yank him out of school; and send him someplace far out of your reach and influence. So it's best to let it be.
They could also just prearrange someone as his future-betrothed, and that's that!
One thing that other cultures are right about. Sometimes Americans don't respect the religions and traditions of foreign-cultures and dismiss them as inferior or nonsense.
This is where you learn something and should show some respect. I know it hurts, but sometimes that's the way it goes.
There will always be someone wonderful out there for you. Try and be understanding. Time will heal your broken-heart; and someone probably even nicer may come along, much better suited for you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (9 April 2018):
 Talking to his parents is pointless and won't go down well. It's not your place.
Aslo, no, I don't think it's a good idea to fight for him. You've only been together for 3 months. You'll find someone else with fewer issues making the future so complicated.
He's not the only good guy out there, but it's up to you. You'll never be what they want.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2018):
 Should you try and talk to his parents?
IMHO? No. It is NOT up to you to "change" their way of life, their cultural background and belief so YOU can keep dating their son. Nothing you can say or do will CHANGE their CORE-beliefs. This isn't about YOU not being good enough, OP - it's about their son learning that not respecting his cultural background will not HELP him. Had you been Indian (but a different caste for instance) the same problem would have popped up.
Should you fight for him?
Again, IMHO? No. He KNEW before he started dating you that this relationship would be a no-go due to his family's beliefs. He still had one with you. He KNOW his parents are NOT going to change their minds here and they DO have the upper hand as he rely 100% on them for his education and welfare.
Him suggesting you can still hang out is BULLSHIT. And here is why. He knows there is NOT future with you, he KNEW that before he got involved with you. This is not some "oh, I didn't know my parent felt that way..." it's part of Indian culture and so is the "notion" of dating "non-Indian" women BEFORE they settle down with (preferably) an Indian wife. Because Indian women are RAISED to not have sexual relationships BEFORE marriage. And they have a SIMILAR background, culture and religion.
So if you KEEP hanging out with him... All you do is holding yourself back from meeting a guy who WANTS to be with you and who's family can accept you.
Refusing to accept his family's culture will get you NOWHERE.
He should NEVER have dated you in the first place.
It's only been 3 months, you will get over him.
The thing is OP, if you can find ONE good man after an abusive relationship YOU are on the right track. That means you know WHAT qualities to look for. But you still need to fine adjust your standards. Like, dating someone who has a more similar background to yourself so these CULTURAL & RELIGIOUS differences do not make things impossible.
Wish him well, and CUT all contact.
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