A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I went on 2 dates with a guy (but knew him through our sports team beforehand). On our team he was known as an outgoing, confident flirt. But once it was he and I on a date, he was totally different and actually seemed nervous to make moves!! Only hugged at end of first date and barely kissed me on 2nd, even though we were alone at the end of both dates. Did romantic stuff like hand holding, cuddling. He always seemed reserved/slow to open up. For example, at the end of our last sports season he just said "Good luck, take care" and "I'll be busy these next few months" -- as though he had no intention of seeing me again outside of games. But then 2 weeks later, lo and behold, he asked me out -- all on his own.Unfortunately, for the 3rd "date" he texted me late at night from the bar, asked if I wanted to come over and hang out. I went, but when I got there - a full hour later - he was slurring and actually still drinking at his place with me there. So I said up front that I wasn't gonna go upstairs, said vaguely that it was "too soon," only made out w/clothes on (but we were both very into the first-time kissing, it went on forever). Then I kept offering to leave but he would shake his head, smile, and hold me tight, just said "I want to fall asleep in your arms" on his couch and didn't try anything else sexual. But after that night he went cold on me, only invited me 1 place over the next few weeks -- a group outing in middle of day, last-minute. He'd respond to my texts and say he wanted to get together again sometime (I know he did have very legit reasons that a few weeks in a row were impossible for him to get together)... but then he didn't confirm a specific date when I invited him to come over my place, even though he'd initially sounded down for it, so I figured that was the end of it all. (Unless he didn't want to be at my place alone because last time we were alone, he got rejected for sex and didn't know why?!!)Then the next sports season began. At practice, I asked to talk. he's like "what are we talking about... i don't see what's going to change -- do you need to vent?" He was on the defensive and clearly thought I was mad at him. But I go, "OK. When I came over that night, you were slurring and have admitted yourself that you don't remember anything we talked about that night. You were really drunk, and I wasn't feeling it." He says, "You don't owe me an explanation -- no hard feelings." I respond, "Oh, I know I don't owe you anything. But it's important to me for you to know that when I came over, it's because I wanted to get to know you better. I don't go over someone's house like that to mess with them... it was just the situation." As soon as I said "I wanted to get closer," he got this big grin on his face... I'm always way more proper - I'm sure I shocked him.I said, "I liked you. I wanted to hang out/date in addition to sex. Maybe I sent the wrong message by coming over on a "booty call" like that, and I've never done anything like that before, but I was really attracted to u and knew what I wanted..." I also asked if he was actually looking for a full blown relationship and he said, "No..." then when he locked eyes with me, he said, "Not reeeeally..." I said "I'm not looking for anything serious either. And you know I never expected anything from you. We didn't talk very often, I just wanted to hang out, like, once a week." He then felt the need to give an explanation about why he's been so busy in recent weeks. I said, "you don't owe me any explanations. But it's obvious what we both do want from each other... and honestly, it's not all that common to find an attraction like this. So I just think it's stupid for both of us if we never try to get closer and just see what happens from there."He said "maybe" because he's worried about "drama" that could accompany it: Our serious sports team has a strict no dating between teammates policy and we have 3 games left (it really is a big problem). I had spontaneously suggested he come over tomorrow night and he goes, "Tomorrow night would be way too soon... next weekend may not be too soon..." He also said he's tentative because he wouldn't want us to end up with different/misaligned feelings out of it potentially. I was like, "We just laid that out on the table. Neither person wants something serious right now. There's nothing to analyze here." So basically he is playing it cool but sounds interested for next weekend? I kept telling him, "hey you can just say no if you're not interested," but he did not want to take that bait...My friend thinks he's just as worried about himself having "feelings" come out of this as I am. She's developed the theory that he's emotionally immature but good in bed... and that he really "liked" me so he wanted to bed me and then felt shut down when he got rejected and walked away, and now he's playing it even more "cool" than he did before, because after all I was the one who rejected him last time... and he needs time to process everything that just happened...At our next game this evening, things between us were totally normal and nice.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 August 2011):
 And that is a good thing that you set some boundaries. A girl with no boundaries is no challenge for a guy she is too easy.
Thank you for the update
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut I was being "hard to obtain," because I would not accept having sex with him just when he was ridiculously drunk. I told him I needed "more than that."
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 August 2011):
I truly get the impression that even if this guy likes you that perhaps he is so used to girls throwing themselves at him that he expects that he should not have to try and does not expect to try too hard to get any girl. It's all become a big bore to him.When a guy absolutely adores a girl he cannot wait to treat her like a princess and impress her. he does not behave like this guy.You were on the right track at the start setting some boundaries. One of my Hero Uncles on this site is Anonymousemale1 and he writes the best articles which I love to recomment to others. Below is his article on when a relationship is 'going south'http://www.dearcupid.org/question/knowing-when-to-get-out-of-a-dying.htmland ten situations that scream that he is a playerhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/10-situations-that-scream-hes-a-player.htmlDeep down I think your guy is a confirmed flirt and unknown to you he may also be a very accomplished player with the girls who make it easy for him. All he has to do is wait and see and be patient until they offer it to him, on a plate. One day he will meet a girl who will peak his interest more as she will make it so much harder for him get any traction with her. So he will woo her. And then spend the next 20 years complaining that she never wants it. Move on from him, he is not acting like an prize in my estimation.
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