A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Our relationship is a bit unusual. We met, became friends, got closer, spent every day and night together for a couple of weeks, then became lovers who quickly felt they loved each other. He quit his job and his whole rural lifestyle to move 4 hours away to be with me in the capital city, we were living together all within a month. This is not typical behavior for either of us, we were both dedicated singletons, him after finishing an eight year relationship last year and me through a desire to remain unattached and free to follow my traveling dreams. Here we are now though, living together and both sharing the same dream that we will go travel the world once we saved a bit of cash.. He is kind, considerate, thoughtful and affectionate.. makes me laugh, reminds me of home (we're from the same highland area) is appreciative, hard working and manly, so many good qualities. But nobodies perfect and there are a couple of things that are troubling me. Firstly, and weirdly this is less of a worry, but he is a problem drinker. When i met him he was drinking to excess every night, i joined in for a while but was quick to point out that it wasn't a life style i would chose and that if he really wanted to be with me he'd have to sort it out. To his credit, he pretty much knocked it on the head. Even stopped smoking without me mentioning it. However, when we do Jane a drink, if we drink spirits, it changes his personality and i don't like it. We've said no more hard boozing but i still feel uneasy about it. This is kind of linked to my second worry.. his friends and my friends are so different. I can hang out with his mates (when we travel home which isn't often) and i can have fun with them in small doses, but i don't really like their way of life which includes excessive alcohol, recreational drugs and no ambition or creativity.. I know that sounds harsh and judgemental but i do struggle with them. On the other hand, he struggles with my friends who he thinks are posh. My mates aren't posh but they are educated, well traveled and i suppose you could say 'cultured' but at the same time, down to earth and fun. My man is not comfortable around them and i understand that he does come from a different world, he hasn't been around city types of people and just doesn't know what to say to them.. but this makes me sad and worried that it belies a deeper incompatibility between us that I'm not facing up to. The third problem is that we both suffer slightly from low self esteem and there are jealousy issues, he doesn't wasn't us to have a male flatmate move in when our current female one moves out. . and I've been insecure that he's more compatible with my attractive best mate than me.. but i think I've got that under control on my side now. Does this relationship sound unworkable? I love him and he's without a doubt treated me better than any other man, but I'm worried. Any advice appreciated, thanks.
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female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (9 July 2012):
 In any relationship you are going to have different likes/dislikes when it comes to friends and other things. The thing that concerns me about the differences in your relationship is that there are things that are unhealthy, dangerous, and potentially life-threatening. His problem drinking and friends are the major red flags. If you have talked with him and you have agreed no drinking then I would wait and see if he commits to this. If he does, great. The problem I see is if he spends a lot of time with his friends who take drugs and drink. When you surround yourself with people who do these things, the habits and lifestyle can be hard to break. In terms of your friends, I don't see any problem with that. So what if they are posh? Everyone is different. I would hang out with your friends as they sound interesting and dynamic. His friend however sound like a train wreck waiting to happen. I think you are right to question these things as you two have come from very different lifestyles. I think it CAN work out, but your boyfriend has to be commited to staying sober, staying away from his hard-partying friends, and wanting to make a productive life with you. Any contact with those friends and he is going to be right back where he started. I think you talk with him about it and really tell him what you want. You do not sound like the type of person who would tolerate his unhealthy lifestyles, so if he will stay away from those things, I see it working for you. Otherwise, if he continues on the same path, I see you moving on as you sound like a great person with great things in store for you.
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