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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Does the 'spark' with an ex ever go away?I have no exes of my own. I was never in a relationship before... I had a friend with benefits, but it wasn't a loving relationship, so I really don't care about him.I've been with my BF fir almost 2 years. He claims I'm his first love. He is mine. However, I have this doubt about his only serious ex, he always denies it and gets mad when I mention it, here it goes:They dated about 4 years ago, when they both were 18. She was his first GF, first sexual partner, etc... They only oficially dated for 3 months though. She KINDA cheated on him with his best friend. I say kinda, because he insists she didn't even though I consider she did. They dated non-oficially for a while, apparently it was implied that it was exclusive, but she was also seeing his best friend behind his back. Then after their 3 months together, she told him and they broke up. My BF tried to commit suicide and got severely depressed.They tried to get back together, but it didn't last. He says she cried when she saw him. That they liked each other so much (he claims he didn't love her, although he once said that he had "never loved anyone quite like you" to me). Later, 7 months after the break up, they ran into each other and hooked up. He says he still had feelings for her. A few months later, she moved to another city. But they remained friends.I always suspected something weird when I discovered this friendship (I had NEVER heard about her until she posted on his facebook that she was coming to visit... that was a long time ago though... I had to ask who she was). He said "just a friend, oh don't be jealous!". This was when we had been together for like 3 months.Only a few months after our first anniversary he told me hat she was his ex! It came up because he was giving me a hard time over my ex fwb, and I asked "oh and who's your ex?" He told me her name and then it clicked! I was furious that when I asked him early in the relationship he said she was just a friend! Before I found out she was his ex, he talked to her on MSN. She still lives in another city. But they talked and he always said nice things about her. Considering he only got over her after she moved, even though she had cheated, even though he tried to kill himself over her. After he saw me so mad and jealous over this he cut contact with her.I know this happened YEARS before he met me. I'm not even claiming he loves her or anything, but for a 3 month long relationship, it seems she was so important to him (even more than me because he has never even shed a tear when we have broken up/argued). So my question is, is it possible that there is still a spark for her? Why would he keep it a secret that she was his ex for so long? Why did he remained friends after the horrible thing she did? He always gets mad when I bring up the subject (which is usually after he starts giving ME a hard time over my ex fwb who meant nothing to me because, come on, it was just a fwb) If they ran into each other today, do you think he would feel something for her?I've never had an ex of my own so I don't know!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): Yes- the spark does go away, especially (in my experience) if the breakup is friendly. Angry breakups are more conducive to "sparks" remaining because the passion (even if it is in the form of hatred) stays LONG after the person does. If the "hate" ever goes away, you might find that it was merely shielding strong sexual and emotional desires. Anger EASILY leads into lust, both are strong, firey emotions- ever hear of make-up sex?
I am friends with about 75% of my exes, and with THOSE exes the "spark" has LONG gone. After a few years, I pretty much forget that I ever went out with them to be honest because the friendship is strong enough that it overshadows any previous sexual tension and passion. We broke up pretty well (only a couple were a bit rough), and after a brief period of awkwardness, slid back into "friend" mode. it helps that we were good friends BEFORE we started dating. That way, we have an establish non-sexual relationship already and the transition is less uncomfortable.
The one and only "bad" breakup I have ever had is a bit less clear cut... I still have sexual desire for him, I can't really explain why. I know I would never date him again even if he asked, but I might sleep with him or something if I found myself in a situation with him. I don't know if that "spark" will ever fade. I haven't talked to him in nearly 5 years (since we broke up) and I still get butterflies when I think of him. It's definitely better for my current relationship that I don't talk to him. This is why I cut off all contact- if he's not around, I can't think of him and there is no temptation. I can focus all of my energy on my beau who is, by the way, SO much better for me than he ever was, and I know that completely.
Anyway, it doesn't sound to me like the passion for her has gone. He obviously has some sort of pathological addiction to her or something, that obscures his perception of her and the (HORRIBLE) way she has treated him. The lies he told about her are worrisome, as is the suicide attempt. Attempting suicide over someone... yikes, has he been in therapy? I hope so, because that shows serious underlying problems that have nothing to do with her. Healthy, well adjusted folks don't attempt suicide. Ever.
Anyway, that said, I don't really think he WAS in "love" with her. It sounds like an extremely intense, rocky relationship that they had. A wild love AFFAIR, but NOT true love. Because it was so intense (severe ups and downs) there is a good chance that a spark remains... I would hope that he would be wise enough not to get caught up with the girl who made him suicidally depressed again. But he has shown poor judgment (LYING to you? come on, that's just disrespectful). He gets mad when you mention it and throws an old fwb in your face to deflect the attention away from himself- this is a bad sign, too. If he were over her, a more appropriate response would be something like, "don't be silly, no girl has ever come close to you" rather than an angry outbreak (trust me, I have had this conversation with many boyfriends who are uncomfortable with my friendships with my exes and I have never felt angry, I know that I am over them and that there is no sexual chemistry left, so I have no reason to get defensive).
IF he hasn't been in therapy, he PROBABLY should... since he has some unresolved issues IMHO.
I hope he has cut off all contact with her, because she sounds like an unhealthy element for him. He lies about her, that's your first red flag. Why would he lie unless he had something to hide? Maybe I am an exceptionally honest person (I doubt it) but I never feel the need to hide my male friends and ex boyfriends from my current boyfriend (or any before him).
Good luck.
A
female
reader, proud mommy  +, writes (17 April 2008):
OK, i have lots of ex boyfriends and I always end up in a serious relationship no too long after and Im still stuck thinking about my x. I think the spark doesnt go away untill you really meet the love of your life because I have had boyfriends who I really loved but I thought about my x often and always wondered what if. Talking to them and being friends is something I wouldnt be able to do but hey if he really loves you then maybe he can. I just think when you want to be friends with an x you still have feelings and if you really love someone else you dont need to talk to them. When you dont speak to them is when I believe you truley let go.
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