A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello guys,if you show your boyfriend your jealousy that you do not want him to go to his bar even though he wants to go, does that make you controlling? or does that make him want to do more things that makes you upset?do you think, when i tell him dont go or dont do this, does it make the guy want more or if you show your guy jealousy does it make him happy cause he will think oh she is jealous so she cares about me?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (6 May 2011):
speaking VERY generally here....
for most people, showing a little jealousy is flattering in the beginning of the relationship or if the other partner is also insecure about how much you love them.
but if you show jealousy frequently, then it starts to feel annoying and suffocating to your partner. If it continues for a long time or gets worse, then your partner may develop contempt for you if they see you as being needy and insecure. If, on top of that, you express your jealousy by treating him as if he is not an equal partner but a child or a subordinate - i.e. by ordering him or forbidding him to do things - then this can be seen as controlling and overbearing.
this has nothing to do with who is in the right or wrong, and whether you are justified in being jealous or whether your partner is being selfish and disrespectful.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): It depends on the reasons OP and the severity of it.
If my girlfriend said to me that she didn't want me to go because she wanted me to stay with her that night and she wanted my company, I'd think it's cute and there's a 50/50 chance I would change my plans for her. If she demanded I didn't go because she thought there would be girls there and she was insecure I'd be majorly pissed at her and there'd be 100% chance I'd go.
I don't mind her not wanting me to go, but not for those reasons OP, jealousy is rarely good. A little bit early on in the relationship shows you care but not in the way you describe. If some girl was chatting me up for a little while and my girlfriend came over and dragged me away for a dance or came over and gave me a big fat kiss, then that's cute, that kind of very minor jealousy is fine, it's okay to mark your territory as long as it's fun and nothing serious. If however she was to sit there in silence staring and getting angry because I was talking to a girl then that would be a negative kind of annoying jealousy that would cause problems.
In your situation no, that's not good and yes it is controlling. Why don't you want him to go?
OP in your case, a person who doesn't know what is or is not acceptable that way, don't try and make him do anything out of jealousy. Feeling trusted is far more likely to make him happy and way more likely to make him want to come home to you, knowing you're there missing him but not going nuts worrying that he's going to cheat.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (6 May 2011):
 Two points to make here.
1) This isn't one of those things where a trait is always good or always bad. You want to show just the right amount of jealousy. Not too much, not too little. The "right" amount of jealousy depends on the guy in question, and on your actual feelings. You'll have to gauge it for yourself. A little jealousy shows him you care, a lot shows him you are crazy. If you can't figure out exactly how much to show, err on the side of too little. You can always tell him later, "I thought I was okay with that, but it turns out I'm not, can we not do that again?"
2) When you tell him anything in the form of a command, as in "Don't do this," it's controlling. When you express a feeling or make a request, it's generally not - unless you're doing it to manipulate him into feeling guilty. Rule of thumb is never to give commands, make demands, or deliberately guilt-trip him. People respond to repeated commands by either becoming whipped or by refusing to listen to anything. Why would you want your boyfriend to do either of those things?
At the same time, if something really bothers you and he doesn't care, that's an issue that needs to be dealt with.
Short version: nuance and subtlety, it'll get you far.
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A
female
reader, sneha09  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 No it makes him more prone to freedom.May be you are saying him for his good but he will consider it as your approach to change him.Don't ask him not to do,sometimes just let him know you don't like it.May be in first days he gets concerned but can feel a it a pressure when day goes by and you may turn to a jealous gf.Just accept him and his lifestyle,trust him,thats the basic but don't be blind at the same time.Accompany him if you want.
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