A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been friends with a female who I have had a crush on, for many years. we both like each other but have never acted on our instincts. she told me she had a boyfriend, which I was disappointed by. I told her that I have a crush on her and she thought it was cute. then I said if things did not work out with her partner. we could always get together. it seemed to me she was swayed by this idea.don’t know if I did the right thing or the wrong thing in mentioning it.what should I do? help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2022): Cute isn't I want to jump your bones. Cute is I like you like a brother. Op put this torch away until she doesn't have a bf and wants to be with you. Go date a different girl and please don't wait for her.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 December 2021):
 "Cute" can mean anything we wish it to mean. It can mean "it's hilarious that you think you have a chance with me" or it can mean "I'm flattered, but no thanks" or anything in between. I doubt it is ever used to mean "I am going to dump my boyfriend and switch my affections to you".
Telling her how you felt while knowing she is already in a relationship was a bit shoddy really. The "cute" comment was probably made to hide her discomfort at your revelation, her being caught "on the back foot", so to speak, and not being sure what to say.
I predict things will go one of two ways, depending on how her moral compass is set. She will either keep you around to massage her ego, knowing you pine for her, or she will have a think about what you said, find it inappropriate (not to mention unfair to her boyfriend to keep you around) and distance herself from you.
For your own good, you should distance yourself from this relationship and start looking for someone who is free to return your feelings. This girl is not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2021): Don't covet another man's woman. Your crush is flattering to her, I'm sure; but to tell a woman you'd wait until her present relationship fails isn't very flattering, nor a compliment. It's not wishing her well, it's hoping she loses someone she may be in-love with; while you only want to satisfy a mere "crush." That seems more "entitled" and selfish than you may realize it is. Infatuation isn't real love. Love requires equal and reciprocal feelings towards another person.
Let's say she takes you up on your proposal. Her current relationship breaks-up; and you become her backup plan. How would you feel if the next guy comes along promising her a place to land, if you fail to be the man of her dreams? Making it clear he'll be waiting and hoping your relationship will shatter on the rocks. Bear this in-mind, you'll also have to deal with her ex; whose male-ego isn't going to take it lightly, discovering you were after his lady all the while. Smiling in his face, and pretending you're just a friend. Just waiting and hoping their love would fail. He'd owe you some payback. Catch my drift?
Were you ever really friends, or were you obsessed to the point that you've simply clung by any and all means possible to keep her in your life? Pretending only to be friends; while she was seeing other guys. Yet she never once picked-up on any signals you have romantic-feelings for her. If they've always been there; seems she'd have noticed. Don't you think?
It would seem to me you've had many other opportunities, while she was single, that you could have made your move. Why would you instead want to be a homewrecker? Sniffing like a horny stray dog behind another man's girlfriend; hitting on her, while his back is turned. Basically implying, you'd even cheat with her if she'd be up for it. It's not respectful of their relationship to hit on her, while she's taken. If cheating ever happened, you'd never trust her; knowing she'd be capable of cheating on you, if she cheated on him. You've inadvertently placed a curse on her relationship, to satisfy your crush. Where was all this nerve when she was single?
It is obvious she only sees you as a platonic-friend, or she would have entertained the idea of pursuing a romantic-relationship with you before, rather than after committing to a relationship with someone else. Seems she'd satisfy the desires and attraction she had for you, before focusing them on some other man. Maybe she has rejected you in the past, but you've stuck around under the guise of friendship. I hope that isn't so.
She referred to the feelings you have as "cute." That is a polite dismissal. A way of saying she's not taking you seriously; and hoping you'd understand that you shouldn't get your hopes up. Excusing you for speaking out-of-line, and forgiving you this once. Her real hopes being, the day will never come her relationship should fail. Not for the purpose she's looking forward to being with you!
My friend, please stop and think just for a moment. You want someone so badly; you've convinced yourself she's fast-forwarding through her present relationship, so she can end it for you. What's your plan-B if the reality is that isn't going to happen? Imagine all the time wasted in waiting!
Well, I think you came here; because you hoped we'd either encourage you to pursue it; or, talk some sense into you. Let me be one of those who'll talk some sense into you.
It's better to pursue someone single and available, not romantically-committed to someone else. It's not a good thing to be pretending to be friends to someone's mate, with the intent to undermine their relationship. It's something you wouldn't want to happen to you. Better you distance yourself, until your feelings change; and go find your own true-love somewhere else. If it's only a crush, it will fade.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 December 2021):
 You aren't her friend. You have an ulterior motive for being around her, the fact that you are attracted to her and want to date her. That is not friendship, OP
People don't (in general) want to date their friends.
Declaring your feelings for someone who already has a partner is not a good idea. It's kind of putting her in an unfair position. I mean what is she supposed to do with that? Dump her BF? Is that was you had hoped she would do?
I think you will see her pull away from you. She has a BF, so she will have to make a choice. Keep you around or potentially have drama (over you) with her BF.
Also, she said it was "cute" that you had a crush. That doesn't sound like something she was enthused by. Puppies are cute.
If she does start to pull away from you, maybe you need to consider she doesn't feel the same about you. If you were friends for years and NOTHING has happened it's not likely to happen.
I think it was wrong to mention it. Only time will tell.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2021): You should start to be more honest and realistic. You are the one with the big crush - not her. You just like to convince yourself she feels the same way. She feels that way about her boyfriend not you. But she is flattered and she may well want to keep you in reserve as plan b, in case that does not work out. It was obvious from what you said. Can you not put two and two together? Now ask yourself what you can offer her?
It is amazing how many men nowadays get this idea they will have such and such a woman as their girlfriend with no thought to how to make it worth her while. Have you got a good job? Do you have a nice home? Are you exciting and sexy and good looking? Let us assume for a moment that the other relationship that she wants ends and she is at a loose end, why would she choose you over the other guys? Never once did you look at this from her point of view. She is in demand. She can pick and choose.
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A
male
reader, Indiglorex +, writes (29 December 2021):
You are both adults here. At least she knows where you stand, but life isn't a movie and setting yourself up as a potential option if her current relationship fails might come off as a bit desperate in her eyes. But who knows, I see "I married my best friend" posts on Facebook, so maybe you still have a chance. Don't beat yourself up over telling her though, just try to focus on the future.
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