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51-59,
*illiam101067
writes:I have a simple question that I would really love to have some responses on. If I punish my soon to be step son, by taking his cell phone off him for a week, for mocking and back talking me, and his mother agrees with me that he needs to learn a lesson and then she turns around after three or four days and gives it back to him because "she wanted to" even after her telling me that her son needs to learn when his is punished that he will pay the consequences...... Is this her being resentful towards me because I was the one who punished him? Is she basically saying "He is my child not yours and he don't have to follow what you say"? I am really lost. Basically I feel she just told him "that if he punishes you, it can and will be over when mom says so not him. Reply to this Question
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reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (3 November 2007):
 So basically he is a spoiled brat, and his mother will ALWAYS give into him. Sorry, dude, but I think this is a dead situation waiting to croak.
Walk away. Not just because of the fact this kid is going to go out of his way to wreck your relationship (he is going to want attention from her that she gives to you), but because under the law, you could be trapped for ALOT more if get serious and then break up.
If the two of you could discipline him together, then you have shot. But she is going to let you down on this topic...red flag. Move out asap.
Found someone new that you can have your own kids with.
You are a man, you have no biological clock. You can afford to be picky.
-Frank B Kermit
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reader, william101067 +, writes (2 November 2007):
william101067 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is 13 years old, he does not spend much time with his father at all who only lives 12 houses down the street. This is not an attention getter.. he is so consumed with the computer, but when he sees something he wants, he acts like a little baby if he don't get it. He not only talks to his mother rudely, but anyone it doesn't matter. His grandmother says its his moms fault for never taking action against his outburts. We have lived together for 8 months now. But, she aggreed with me on this punishment, and said from all the problems he has been giving us that its time for him to learn a lesson, and then she don't stick with it. I stand beside her 150% but when it comes to me, there is no me. How I was treated and talked to by a 13 yr old would normally get there @ss smanked and grounded, but with him, he will be good until he gets what he wants then its back to hell week with him.
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (2 November 2007):
I believe that she will take this behavior into your marriage with you. The two of you need to sit down and discuss boundaries when it comes to your stepson. If you can not agree to set boundaries, do's and don't and messures of discipline, you will get divorced.
I think you were right to discipline him, but she is his mother, and wants to be the "good" nice parent. This is a means of turning one family member against the other. She is spoiling him, and this WILL drive a wedge into your relationship if not handled.
Curious...where is the boys father? I wonder if this type of behavior ended that relationship between her and the boys father.
Do not get married until this is settled clearly. You will become financially and legally responsible for a child that is not your blood, even in the case of divorce. See a family lawyer in your area to understand your consequences in this.
-Frank B Kermit
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reader, rcn +, writes (2 November 2007):
 Lets look at a few different area:
Until your married the only authority to punish you have is what she extends you. The system doesn't look at live ins as having any authority over the other person's children.
What you need to do is sit down and everyone have a meeting. Involve him in the decision making with punishments. Ask him. If you slam a door, what do you feel a fair punishment would be. If his seems fair, use it. If not come up with one and explain why yours will be used instead of the one he came up with.
In order to look at this further. How long have you and his mother been together? Does he have a connection with his father? How long did you know him prior to moving into the same household? How old is the boy?
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reader, rockelle +, writes (2 November 2007):
 How old is this child? Is his biological dad involved in his life at all? It sounds to me like he is trying to get some much needed attention from Mom. Kids sometimes act out to get the parent to show them some attention good or bad. Does your fiance realize that she has a child with disciplinary problems? Sometimes parents are in denial. I think you need to talk to her and you guys need to try and resolve whatever the issue is with this kid before it gets out of hand. It will put a strain on your marriage. Maybe some counseling might help him or you and him spending some one on one time could give you a better understanding of why he is acting out. He may resist at first, but you keep trying always keeping in mind he is a child and that you are doing this to create a peaceful household I think it will work out. I had the same peoblem with my step-son he is 11. After spending some time with him I realized that he just wanted to feel like he was apart of our family not an outsider because he did not live with us. It was extremely hard but we worked it out.
God brings people into our lives for a reason. You may have been brought into this kids life because you may be the only father figure he will ever have, or he may need that extra love and attention from someone aside from mom and dad. If you love her do not give up, and after this rough patch she will respect and love you even more for your efforts. The worst thing you can do is fight with her over her son. Good Luck,stay positve, You certainly have your work cut out for you!
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reader, william101067 +, writes (2 November 2007):
william101067 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI fully understand what everyone is saying. But, when the child doesn't get his way and disrespects adults in a way that is verbally abusive, slamming doors, pouts and throws fits when he don't get his way.... nothing is done as far as punishment. Example, he got his phone back and went right back to his ways. He lied to her face and stated he had all school work done. She checked his work and he was not done at all. She told him to get off the computer and do his homework. After 45 minutes had passed, "she had to take him his books" he tells her in a minute basically saying when I am ready, i will do it then. After he gets what he wants, then it goes back to her having to yell for hours 5 days a week.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): Agreed here with both peoriaman and Phil. You are on delicate ground as "mom's boyfriend". When you become
"stepdad", you and mom need to get together on the discipline situation. Any problems should be discussed by you both and you must present a united front. He will try to play one off against the other if he can. You cannot allow this. The biggest problem with second marriages is always the kids. At least you have only one to deal with here (I am assuming). Hopefully, you can first get on good terms with him. You can go from there. Even kids of both natural parents try to work one against the other to their advantage. Your problem is only slightly different. Best wishes.
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reader, rockelle +, writes (2 November 2007):
I do not think that she is resentful. I think that she did something that a lot of mothers do. She let him off the hook early. I am not saying that she was right I am saying that she would have probably done the same thing if he were your child. I could be wrong but my mom did it all the time when my dad punished us. I would talk to her in private and let her know how you are feeling. Emphasize to her that it is important that the both of you are on the same page, if she wanted to take him off of the punishment she should have told you and you guys could have discussed it with him together. Because after all, you are a family now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): It's always very difficult when it comes to disciplining step-children. My son is in a very similar situation to you so I know a bit of what you're going through, albeit second-hand.
If your other half is of the mindset that says "they're my kids, and not your problem" let her get on with it. Have nothing to do with the discipline side of things. The kid will probably learn nothing by getting his own way and will in all probability go off the rails. And when he does, it'll be her problem - she's already said as much.
Mothers are notoriously soft with their kids. The kid will think he can get away with most stuff, and he will if he can. She may eventually see sense and not give him any 'parole' if he doesn't deserve it.
You need to have a very serious talk with your other half, and if you can't agree to back her up, or she back you up - 100% both ways - you're going to have some serious problems with the kid(s). Any arguing about the matter should be done at another time away from the kid's earshot. You need to act as one on this, a team effort.
If she can't do that, I see friction building up to the point that there'll be an explosion sometime in the future.
Best of luck!
Phil
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