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male
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anonymous
writes: For nearly 2 months now I have got the impression that a girl that works in a seperate building at my work place likes me. I am a very shy guy, 23 and have never been able to get over this shyness and find it hard to trust my instincts. I have never really been in a relationship and fear dating because of this, I also lack social skills. The signs that make me think she is interested are looking at me, her co-workers used to create reasons for me to visit the office - although this seems to have stopped now. Quite a while bac, I got a work email from her co-worker; it said at the end she is excited that I will be visiting the office. The thing is she doesn't talk to me, just hello, and could even have a boyfriend as she wears a ring on the third left finger. I want to just go and talk to her, but always feel that I need some sort of work excuse, of which I don't have. I have left it so long now that I have grown very attracted to her and I think she knows this. I never have the opportunity to speak to her own and because I am so shy I have such a problem with speaking to her in front of other people. I once sent her an email asking how she was but didn't get a reply. What should I do?
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reader, becky05 +, writes (8 August 2005):
You need to find a way to speak to her on her own.
When you have done this, then you need to find out whether she is available, ask her where she lives, what she does outside work and (most importantly) does she have a boyfriend.
If she says no then wait until the next time you see her and ask her if she would like to go out with you.
The worst thing she can say is no. At least you will knopw you tried and it will make it easier the next time you ask someone out.
A
reader, pops +, writes (8 August 2005):
The ring on the finger is the best clue that this woman is not going to be interested in you, and her friend is just being cruel, to both of you. The fact that she did not respond to your email says it all. She's not interested. Find someone else to focus your attention on.
When it comes to asking people out, don't make a big date of the first effort. Ask someone to have a drink with you, or go to lunch. These are short time meetings, where both parties know that they have a natural out if the meeting turns into a disaster and they want to end it. " I have to get on home, as I have guests coming to dinner. Thank you for the drink", and " I have to get back to work a little early today, and I am sorry I am having to cut this lunchtime with you short. It was good to meet you. Thank you for asking me. Good bye". See? Either party can gracefully end that first meeting if it turns out you have absolutely nothing in common, and there is no attraction. Take a couple of deep breathes, and ask the next girl you like out for some short event. She is more likely to accept than if you are asking her out to dinner, a show, and dancing until the sun comes up! Keep that in reserve for the girl that you have dated long enough to know she cares about you, and would love to go out with you on that kind of evening.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (7 August 2005):
 I'm sorry, but I don't see what you're seeing. It looks more to me like the co-workers of this woman think it's "funny" to try to couple you up.
Yes, it's cruel to mess about with other people's emotions, but there it is.
The thing that you've mentioned that suggests an interest are her looking at you. Now, I'm not sure how you mean this. Has she got a Superman gaze that could bore through metal? Is she squinting to try to overcome an astigmatism? I'm not clear on what the "looking" entails. If she's just making normal eye contact in the way that your other workmates do at lunch, then it's not particularly indicative of romantic interest. If she's all coquettish about it, though, flapping the eyelashes and going giggly any time you say Hello, that would be a different matter. In some cultures a direct stare is a challenge, so there may also be mismatch in that area.
What decides it for me is that she doesn't come and visit you off her own bat any more, and the fact that she didn't reply to your email. Either one would have been a good opportunity for her to show an interest.
But I've never been good at all the hoohah of relationship subterfuge, all the playground-level "I'll get my best friend to hint to his best friend, that if he'll go to Debbie's party my friend's friend will be there" trickery. So rather than try to guess how she feels about you in her absence, why don't you *make* a reason to go over to her building? Stop off at her office/desk/cubicle and say hello. Shy or not, romantic or not, that's not so hard. Smile and say that you've noticed that she doesn't come by any more. Then, watch how she responds and listen to what she says.
If her response is an uncomfortable silence or if she seems hesitant in answering, then you pretty much have your answer. You can also follow up with "Did you get my email?" If there's any chance that she returns your interest, she'll almost certainly say something about it.
It's much better to give people a chance to be direct than to try to infer meanings from actions or inactions. That might mean speaking to her, but if someday you'd like to have a relationship with someone, you'll need to learn that particular skill, right? Now's your chance.
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