A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear readers, how do I get my girlfriend to masturbate... I've told her to try it several times and said she didn't feel anything. She says she only feels it when I do it.She also doesn't like putting her finger in herself... does she not enjoy masturbating because she thinks it's wrong?Does she need to change her thoughts while doing it and think of me making love to her while she does it... please give me some tips especially if you have experienced this type of behavior. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (21 December 2009):
 Glad my comments helped/ gave you insight /whatever :-)
Just thought I'd add, my non pushy approach paid off today.
Did not really have time to do anything this morning before work, but thought I would just tease my man a bit to keep him keen for later (lol), and lo and behold, ... the 'almost getting it but not' scene got the better of him and whaddya know - he went for it himself.
Done me in tho seeing that so we ended up late for work after all lol.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat opens my eyes up notmyname...thank you
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A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (12 December 2009):
I have a similar situation but opposite sex. My guy previously spent 16 years with a sexually repressed prude who would only have sex in one position, lights out, and responded to any of his encouragement for experimentation by calling him a pervert, queer, etc, until he not only stopped trying to initiate anything new, he stopped having sex with her altogether for 4 years, and was not even comfortable taking matters in to his own hands coz of the insults previously levelled at him for that. Rotten cow - fine if she don't wanna do things, but lay off attacking and damaging others to deflect from your own hang ups. But I digress, ... point being tho, I think the mental state equally comes in to play for a man - not just women.Naturally, my lack of inhibitions has been an enjoyable eye opener for him, but at times is just way outside the comfort zone - like when I asked if he would masturbate in front of me. He has said he wants to coz he knows I would enjoy watching, but is just not comfortable and thinks I would laugh. I assured him I would find it hot and not humiliate him like his ex, but told him I don't want him doing anything he is not comfortable with, so unless he one day felt inspired to, then not to force it and that would be fine by me.I noticed over time tho, and with no prompting from me, he was getting more comfortable with touching himself, but certainly not going so far as to call it actually masturbating, and now seems to be getting a bit keen to do this but not enough to want to just kinda rip it out and just go for it whilst I sit back enjoying the view.So what I did recently to make him comfortable whilst guiding him to see how far he was ok to go, was first of all made sure it was in bed under the covers so he would not be conscious about me actually watching, (there is a hint - dont blatantly stare at this girl for starters if she ends up doing it - allow it to be known she is without making her feel over exposed) and started to manually stimualte him myself whilst kissing him. After a bit, I slid his hand on top of mine so that he was mimicking the action, but it was still me making the contact and guiding the motion. I waited a bit to see how he would react to that, and once sure he was comfortable with not pulling his hand away, I slowly slid my hand out from under his and placed it on top - not to force him to have hold or as an expectation for him to take over, but to continue to guide the action and make him feel 'we' were doing this together, not just him even if his hand was the one making contact. I never removed my hand either, as I would much rather take babysteps he is comfortable with than make him self conscious, have an oh my god I'm jerking off in front of her moment, and stopping altogether. I further reassured him he was safe and was not going to be laughed at or ridiculed by telling him how much it was turning me on as well as that added passion coming out in the way I was kissing him. Maybe in time he will feel comfortable doing it all by himself, maybe not, maybe he will be ok with me one day watching, maybe not, does not matter, whatever goes will be fine with me. I don't have to see that for us to enjoy each other. I am just happy he is feeling loved and supported enough with me to even open up to experimentation of any kind when it has been a source of ridicule to him in the past, and I think that is the key (in many mental hang up's about sex) - that he knows the care and consideration for his feelings is there. Does this girl KNOW you are placing her feeling first and foremost? Probably not if you are pestering her to do this. Something to ponder?So my advice to the OP is take it slow, make sure the mental and emotional safety net is in place for her to feel supported, dont go for too much at once as in wanting to blatantly watch or expecting her to just turn on the porn star persona and get going for it, ... guide her, do it for her, encourage her to join in and do it together, and don't be too quick to step out of the joint action either. If/when you do get her to do it all herself, perhaps be doing other things to her at the same time so you are being intimate with each other rather than the perception of just being an observer, and settle for a sneak peek at first until she builds up a comfort level with you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 December 2009):
 The G-spot has been blown out of proportion, I think, by people who want a "magic button" that guarantees orgasms. Unfortunately, that is not how it works for many women.
From what you've written about your girlfriend, she is not comfortable with masturbation and basically says she's happy for you to do it. I'm sorry, but this is pretty typical of a woman who is not in touch with her sexual self. She's laying all the responsibility for her orgasms on you. Don't be angry, she is not atypical of girls who have been taught that masturbation is dirty or unladylike or somehow nasty.
One thing I've discovered in reading about women who hadn't been able to orgasm is that they assume they just have to rub (or be rubbed) and just lie there. What they don't realize is that some muscle tension in the thighs, buttocks and lower back is almost essential for this. She has to tense up, if you will, in order to start to feel the sensations that will lead to orgasm. My guess is that when you do it, she is tensing up and pushing toward you and your hands or mouth.
Many women do not insert anything in their vaginas when they masturbate, that's sort of a man-porn image that has nothing to do with reality, so don't get focused on that, or the G-spot just yet.
If I were you, I'd probably lie next to her, in kind of a spoon position and start gently playing and stroking her genitals. Very gently and soothingly, and just do that for a long time. Get her into kind of a relaxed and at the same time stimulated state. Don't press too hard, don't try to stick fingers in her, do it all on the outside and don't have a goal in mind. You're just freeing her mind to wander and perhaps you could gently ask her to show you what would feel better by demonstrating.
You do this all very gently and lovingly and soothingly. And then the next night, you do it again. With no goal in mind. You're just getting her to feel her body and open herself to accepting and enjoying your caresses. She's uptight (what an awful word, but) for some reason, and you have to coax her along gently and easily. Eventually, if things are going well, she will indicate what she wants you to do.
Patience, love, gentleness, and get out of your head that it's the G spot or her vagina that is key to her sexual response. Your girl is a newbie and hasn't yet figured out how to do this for herself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): SatinDesire is right, you asked for tips she gave you them.
No need to be so defensive as SatinDesire already correctly stated, tips on how to make someone comfortable with experimenting with their own body is not possible. You can't force someone to be comfortable with something, that's not how it works.
I really fail to see how posting helpful links on womens anatomy and how to please them is in any way insulting I don't have the problem you state in your original post but I still clicked on those links to see if there was anything new. She wasn't insinuating anything against your knowledge of women nor your ability to pleasure them, she simply felt they may help you out.
You'll let her response speak for itself in terms of her education, now who's being insulting?
May I ask why this matters so much to you in the first place? Masturbation is a personal choice and act it really hasn't got anything to do with you whether she pleasures herself sexually on her own or not. Why are you so bothered that she learns to do it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour response is a bit insulting satindesire....Ill let your response speak for itself in terms of your education...you didn't even mention the g spotOn top of that females also have an A spot...I hope I've proven to you otherwise about my knowlege of the femals....my question was pretty much "how do I get my girlfriend to masterbate if she can't even feel it when she tries?"I expect a decent answer and not all out open hostility. My impression is that it has to do with her mental state because a females most active sex organ is her brain...and I was expecting someone to tell me if there's a way to make her comfortable doing it.I can masturbate and not get off....but if I think about her and have the correct 'mental state' then I will get off...I hope this clarifies to all readers what I want....I don't want an explanation of how to physically stimulater her...I want a description of how to mentally get her to like it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): dont try to convince her to if she doesnt want to. im sort of the same way as her. i dont masterbate because i never felt pleasure from it, but when my bf gives me a hand job i come every time. my ex used to tell me to masterbate and i tried to do it for him but when i did it, it felt more like a job, like something i had to do to make him happy. maybe if you dont ask her to do it, shell warm up to the idea and try on her own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): okay admittedly im not an expert here but i dont understand why its important to you for her to masterbate. If she is comfortable with who she is and what she believes why must you change that? she's not denying you sex or your pleasure or at least you didnt say that. i have never seen my husband masterbate, nor has he seen me. it may happen and im ok either way. we are ever learning and ever evolving. but i think pressuring her to do something that she is obviously uncomfortable with is wrong on your part. anything uncomfortable for one partner should be off limits. thats my opinion. it really doesnt matter what the thing is that they are not comfortable with or how much you like it or think she would like it. the more you presuure her the more trapped she will feel. and she may relax in time and try it. but dont hound or pressure her about it. its basically off limits. what she does or does not do to please herself is her private business. just be there, have great sex and leave this alone. give her space and time. maybe mention it sometime but not soon. good luck, mal
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (11 December 2009):
 Amen Cerberus.
She probably just isn't familiar with what she likes... and for most women, sticking a finger in won't do anything for ya. And every woman enjoys masturbating in a different way. She just needs to figure out what rocks her boat.
As for her thoughts, she can think about whatever situation she pleases. Whatever turns her on. Maybe that's you, maybe that's George Clooney, maybe that's a stranger in a train station. Whatever it is, don't judge her... her fantasies are her own.
I think that she would do best experimenting on her own and getting to know her own body by herself before she introduces her masturbation to you. That way she can trial and error and figure things out without having somebody stare at her waiting for results (even though your intentions are good, it's probably distracting). And, perhaps you could buy her a vibrator! It will make things even easier for her.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): Have you tried asking her? Perhaps she only likes it when you do it because she needs another person involved. Then again she could be faking it when you do it.
It's not necessary for her to masturbate anyway, putting the finger in is not how most women do it in my experience, masturbation for them is more about clitoral stimulation, just putting the finger in is about as enjoyable as inserting a tampon unless you know how to find the g-spot or stimulate other nerves around the opening.
She probably doesn't enjoy masturbation because she doesn't know how to pleasure herself. Most girls as I said only really respond to clitoral stimulation and even then each girl likes different kinds of stimulation there, such as my girlfriend likes it to be a soft, continuous motion, but I've dated girls that need rough, fast stimulation there or alternating between.
Experimentation is the key, but if she doesn't want to then there's really no need as long as you can give her pleasure.
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