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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: This might take abit long. Me and my girl have been dating for year and a half, and she recently started a new job 3 months ago. But the past week shes been acting a bit strange. She was suddenly dressing up for work. Few days ago she had a problem with her phone, i said let me try fix it, she said no its fine, dont worry, and shes also spoken a few times this week about this guy at her work who she said teases her a lot. I got abit suspicious, but shrugged it off. Then i looked on her phone and saw a sent message to him asking him to invite her on an Instant Message Chat application, i again shrugged it off. We usually chat online on an IM chat application and she usually lets me know when shes online to chat, but not the last few days, when i log on, shes already online. During the week we dont chat that long because we both have work in the morning, but the last few days shes been chatting till l past midnight, which i found odd. The friday night i went to her, she acted really distant, as if she didnt want me there, like her mind was somewhere else. So just before i wanted to leave we usually kiss, this time she just pecked me on the lips and pulled away, also very odd, but i never said anything. When i got home, i went online, and she was online, so we chatted till late. Then she said she was tired, shes going to sleep, so she logged off, but i didnt. A half an hour later, she logged on again, i said i thought you went to sleep, she said she couldnt sleep, because its to hot, so she decided to see whos online. She was online for an hour after that, and was very short and abrupt with me when replying. I became even more suspicious. The next morning i went on facebook and saw that him and her were now friends. i have her facebook password and i logged into her account, i checked her inbox, there was sent messages to him from her saying this: 'why do ignore me when im around you, have i done something wrong'?he replied,'what do you mean ignore you'? she replied 'yes, you dont even hug me anymore, and dont post messages on my wall, rather inbox me so my boyfriend doesnt see, miss you'. Needless to say i was furious, called her up and demanded an explanation, she said they were just friends, i said i want to talk face to face, not over the phone. She avoided me all day and we didnt see each other. Next day she agreed to talk, i asked her what the messages meant, and what the 'hugs' were all about, she said its just friendly hugs, i said so why are you worried that he doesnt hug you anymore, hugging is childish shit that girls do with other girls, not guys. I also asked her what she meant by 'Miss you', she said it didnt mean anything, she says it to everyone. I told her to erase his number from her phone, so she did. That same day, while she was in the shower, i checked her phone myself, and found about 10 outgoing missed calls to his number, which was now saved under another name, and a sent message to him saying "hey let me know when youre online" The other message said, "hey i couldnt wait up so late for u, im going to sleep". It then made sense, the late night chatting, and the logging in and out so late.I waited for her to come out of the shower and confronted her about the messages and calls. First she said that the messages were sent to her cousin, i then showed her it was sent to the same number of that guy, and i said thats the reason why youve been chatting online so late, she said they were talking about work related stuff, i told her then you can discuss that at work! She couldnt answer me. I then walked out, she try to stop me but i pushed her out of my way. When i got home she phoned me, i asked her if she liked this guy, she said yes she does kind of. I asked her why, she said she liked how he complimented her and stroked her ego. I told her she must decide, who she wants to be with. I told her she has until tomorow to decide and I put the phone down.The next day i went to her to hear what she had to say, she said she is with me, and will never leave me, and she is no longer in contact with him. So we made up, but i still wasnt convinced. That week everything seemed fine. Then sunday, she came to my place and we spent time together. She then went to the kitchen to get something to drink, and i looked on her phone again. I found texts from her sent to him that same week. The one read, "my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum to choose, he does a lot for me. So we can just be friends. Still gonna dress sexy though". This was sent the day after i told her to choose. The following day she sent this "or what do you think, or should we just be friends?". This is the text that sent me over the edge, which she sent the day after, "What you gonna buy me for lunch, or can i have you, lol i wish, or you gonna make my wish come true". When she came back to the room with drinks,i asked her what the f**k these texts meant, she just looked at me. I then hit both drinks out of her hand and demanded she explain what these texts meant. I then told her its over, if she wants him, she can have him because i dont want her anymore, she must get her stuff together, im taking her home. She then burst out crying and said she wants me, only me, i mustnt do this, and shes sorry. I then threw her bag down the hallway, she cried even louder and kept hanging on me telling me not to do this. I got angry, i lifted my hand to hit her, but i didnt. She then suddenly went quiet and backed away. I then took her home, she never said a word in the car. She said nothing has happend between them physically, and i believe that, because it wouldve come through in her texts, and all this happend only over a week and a half. Should I give her another chance?
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female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 how long have you been treating her like this? Knocking drinks out of her hands, throwing her bag pushing her, are you serious? Im sure this isnt the first time. Yes, what she did was wrong but you need to control yourself. Yes, you have the right to get angry but not to scare her that your going to hit her.Have you accussed her of cheating before? I know because i have been told by a psychologist that when a partner is constantly accusing the other of cheating it drums into their brain that they might as well do it becasue they are already getting blamed for it. And yes, this is wrong, but jealousy and being controlling is going to take a toll on someone. She might not have cheated, but she flirted. she wanted attention from another guy to feel good, have you been giving it to her? Im not justifying her actions but i assume you came on here to understand. If you know you cant trust her anymore then it wont work.
A
male
reader, antwone fisher  +, writes (5 June 2010):
im not saying what she did was right, but the other guy was complimenting her and stroking her ego, you couldve done the same if you could be bothered. the woman deserves another chance. not her fault that you cant treat her right, if you dont look after your woman then another man will. however her being sneaky and staying up late does prove that she was hinting to him for something else than friendship, and the sexy dresses are another clue that she was reciprating to his advances.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): Once a liar, always a liar. Lose her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): You believe she hasn't done anything physical, but I don't. The "or can I have you?" sounds like a sexual advance. Her asking if they should just be friends sounds as if they were something more when she was forced to choose. I don't think you have control or jealousy issues- you were fine with her having male friends and she chose to take it too far. You gave her multiple chances to right things and explain herself and she just chose to dig herself deeper and deeper and then cry and try and make you feel like the bad guy.. Of course you're going to get mad. It's only human. Get rid of her. She's going out to stroke her ego by flirting and maybe having relations with other men behind your back and then coming back to you and expecting support and love. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): i'm int he same boat. my boyfrined just started a new job and now all of a sudden hes something else. she is going to cheat on you its just a matter of time. just like he did. he works at a night club as a bouncer. trust me it kills you thinking about it every time she goes to work... people are sneaky just be careful.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 June 2010):
 No one is perfect and to err is only human. I am sorry that you are going through all this.
Maybe, you need to understand better and dig deeper into why she is flirting behind your back ?
Don't make any rash and hasty decisions which you may regret. Let things cool down a bit and think more deeply before coming to any final decisions.
Whether you want to give her another chance or not will depend on her reactions in the coming days.
If she is really remorseful and regretted her actions, you could give her another chance with certain terms and conditions.
Wish you all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): You already gave her that chance. Time to move on. I literally could write a litany of reasons why but I think you know the most important one and that is trust. You can't trust her anymore. As the other poster said if he'd given her opportunity then she most likely would have cheated on you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): No. She does not deserve another chance. End of story. She betrayed you once, and you found out and asked her not to do it again. She betrayed you again, and lied about it. Fuck her. You can do much better. Cheaters should never get a second chance, and she's lucky you gave her one. Period.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): This relationship is un healthy and making you react in a very negative way. i don't think she should stay with you or you should stay with her you obviously have control and jealousy issues. i don't know how you can't type all that out and not realise there is a problem with yourself too. im not justifying what she did at all she is defentatly in the wrong to be flirting with a guy that heavily when she is in a relationship. but your actions are pretty discusting too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): I really think you should forget all about her! She will cheat on you one day! I mean she has no respect for you at all! She knows you will forgive her and her cries are fake! I know that type of person you just described!
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