A
female
age
41-50,
*afe
writes:Dear Aunts, I hope you all are doing well. It has been a while since I have asked for your wise advice, but here I am again... I broke up with my boyfriend for the second time. The first time we dated for about one year and he broke up with me saying that he needed space and he did not want to be in a relationship with nobody. However, it turned out he was dating his ex-girlfriend again. I moved on with my life, and after a year of no contact, he reached out to me and we started to date again about six months ago. This time I broke up with him because I found out he had an active profile on match.com. When I confronted him, he did not say anything; he was silent, with his head down. Then he looked at me with almost tears on his eyes, and said that he has a difficult time connection with people and then went silent again. I left since he did not have anything to say. He is not very communicative, and it is something that frustrates me about him. Next day, he sent me a text saying, "Can we talk in person another time? I was too upset to talk last night." to which I reply, "sure, let me know when and where you want to meet." I did not received a response from him until a week later, when I received a text from him saying, "I cooked your favorite meal and you are welcome to come over and have some. I do not want to talk, but we can hang out if you want." I ended up going, we had a good time, and when I was fixing to leave he hugged me and kissed me. I left anyway. Then I saw him again next day and we spent some time together. No sex, we just hug and kissed, and enjoyed each other company. However, next day I saw him online on match, most of the evening. I sent him a text with a random question, about a trip, but he did not reply. After ignoring my text for two days, he sent me a random video of a song we both love. I totally ignore it and that same day I unfriend him on Facebook. However, after this, I sent him a text about how wonderful person his daughter is. I am good friends with her and she is doing great things helping others, so I felt like I needed to compliment him on that. He did reply to my text promptly, but since then, we have not talked. This was about a week ago and he has not been active on match for about the same time. Does it means that maybe he met someone on match? Does my situation has a future? or should I give up on him? I would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you!-Mafe
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2017): This might sound harsh but he stays with you out of convenience because he doesn't have any better options. I use the word better referring to him. If he was happy with you, he wouldn't be seeking better options. He feels there is somebody better out there for him than you.
He already left you. Then came back. Again out of convenience. And now he is wishy washy yet again and still active on dating sites. By the way, what he said his excuse was? That was laughable and a complete insult to your intelligence as well as disregard for your feelings. He just doesn't care about you enough. His actions speak louder than words. It's clear that he likes having a steady, reliable source of sex available to him. That's you. That is the depth of his interest.
You are so hung up on him that you keep giving him chances. And to be honest, he doesn't deserve them. Cause he isn't good enough for you. And you're the one who should be on the dating sites seeking someone better.
He will keep you as a convenient back up plan-source of sex if you let him.
And then he will dump you once he finds a woman he really likes.
Wanna be a sitting duck? Or do you want to beat him to it? Leave on your own terms
The choice is all yours.
A
female
reader, Mafe +, writes (25 August 2017):
Mafe is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for your honest advice, dear Honeypay. That is exactly what I think, it is just helpful to hear someone else say it. He has lots of issues expressing his feelings and honestly, I don't think he even knows what he really wants in a partner. -I have asked him and he is not able to answer that question. He is sweet when we are together though, and I know even though he has been in Match, he spent all of his free time with me, so he has not been dating anyone else. Additionally, his daughter says that he talks with her a lot about me and that he only has good things to say about me. Therefore, she thinks I am great for him. That is why I still trying to figure out if I should give this a shot or not. Thanks again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2017): When a man wants you, He wants you and you only. He is clearly not ready for commitment. And the fact that you keep openly running to him every time he ask you, has given him the clarity that he can do with you as he pleases. You need to either let go. Or have a VERY serious conversation with him and make it clear that you want a real respectful relationship. Good luck hon.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 August 2017):
 OP, YES you should give up on him.
Why? Because you two have tried to have a relationship twice, neither time did it work.
He hasn't given you ANY explanation for being on Match other than "he has a difficult time connecting with people" which means absolutely nothing more than trying to lay the "blame" at your feet. If connecting was an issue WHY go on Match and try and connect with strangers while dating you? It isn't logical.
He then sticks his head in the sand and hopes that you will "forget" it and continue to date him. that way he doesn't HAVE to take responsibility for it or explain it. though really... it doesn't take a genius to explain why a person who HAS a partner in on dating sites. They are STILL looking for their "dream-match" or "life partner". Which means... YOU aren't THAT to him. Otherwise, he wouldn't look elsewhere.
Wish him well and block/delete him from your tech and your life and TRULY move on.
Don't keep going back to something that isn't working. Single men, your age-group aren't exactly scarce...
Time to stop trying to make "it" happen with him.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (25 August 2017):
Hello OP,It depends on you. You know this guy more than we do, and it's a big red flag that he dumped your for his ex .To me, as an outsider, if he really wanted to be with you, he would have done so a long while ago, and ignore his ex, and stay with you. But as long as his ex is around and interested in him, and as long as he isn't over his ex, he will keep dumping you. You are stuck in a kind of rebound relationship.If you want to give him a second chance, go ahead, but talk seriously about where you to want to go. You don't want to waste time on a man that does not love you. You need to set your foot on the door, and confront him regarding his Match profile. If you both are going to go steady and exclusive, none of you guys should have active match profiles. If he keeps his account active, it means that he is looking for something better, and you are just there for him while he finds your replacement.Best luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2017): Move on and find someone else. He broke up with you once and went back to his ex and when that didn't work out, he came back to you. If he was happy with his relationship with you he wouldn't risk losing you by going on a dating site.
Why would you want a man like that? Don't settle for someone who uses you as a backup plan.
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