A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, just wanna thankyou for spending your time reading this.Not really sure where to start but im very worried about my little sister. My dad has brought me and her up by himself for the majority of our lives. My mum smoked and was on drugs when she was pregnant with us both and my dad has always wondered if there is somthing slighty not right about my sisters behaviour. My mum left when i was about 9.. i am 20 now and my sister is now 17. Her entire life she has been troubled, always getting into fights and arguments, making friends with the 'wrong' sort of people, she has tried drugs and is constantly talking to new guys and we have even caught her just offering sex out to random strangers. She been in trouble with the police, and has stolen.My dad has done everything in his power to bring us up into decent young women but she constantly goes out and refuses to tell us where she is going, we are worried she may be taking drugs again, she has been to the doctors and come home with anti depressants but refused to take them, i recently had to rummage through her room and remove any razors or blades i could find and throw them away as she has started to self harm.We have a good life, a nice house, a good education.. why would she want to self harm?I really think she needs some help but she refuses to keep up with any counsilling my dad asks her to go to. He cant just drag her there.. she is now talking about moving out and into her friends flat- her friend is 17, pregnant and lives alone. I can truly see her getting into lots of money troubles and drinking alot in the future as she is so easily led by friends.Because of her constant bad behavour, bursts of anger and rowing with my dad he is now ill with stress, having heart palpitations and im getting very worried.What can i do to help? Where can i take her to see if she needs some mental help? Im worried she will do something stupid very soon and this in turn would destroy the entire families lives.Thank you for reading this i truly appreciate any feedback.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): yes your sister needs mental healthcare help, but unlike with physical illnesses which work regardless of your attitude, for mental healthcare she has to want to get the help. if she doesn't want the help, forcing her will just be a waste of time.
I hate to say it but it may take a drastic consequence for her to want to get help. she may have to hit rock bottom, get into trouble with the law bad enough for the court to order her to get help (and even then many people court-ordered to get counseling, still don't see the point and resist it and end up not getting any better).
I dont' think you can do anything except remind her that you are here for her if she needs help that is not going to be destructive to herself.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 I guess she is troubled, what her reasons are could be all sorts of things, more than likely it has stemmed from not having a mother figure in her life. Off course you and your dad must be so worried, but nobody can help her but herself. Have you tried sitting down with her and telling her how worried she is making you both, try and talk to her as much as you can. It sounds like she is bottling a lot of things up and it won't be easy for her to talk about these things, but I think you should try, tell her how worried you are about her and your dads health and ask her to talk to you, tell her you are there for her, and you will listen. She obviously doesn't want the help and nobody can force her but you can only try and talk to her and show her that you and your dad are there to care for her if she needs it.
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A
female
reader, odeer123  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 Your sister sounds like she's fundamentally going through rocky road teenage stresses. She needs to know that she's loved, and if you can try to let her know that in the most simple way possible, e.g giving her a hug whilst watching tele and saying 'I love you sis' or commenting on as many good times as possible.
Your sister probably feels far more disconnected from the family than you realize. Why don't you go out with her to the cinema? Go out for a meal? Invite her to spend a night up with you playing games with some of your friends... I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want to turn that down since you're older than her and she might feel privileged. The best way to assist a change in attitude (especially if she's self harming) is to immerse her in other things... try to refrain from talking to her about the bad and her behavior. On the other hand try as MUCH AS POSSIBLE to re-establish and immerse her in the good things. Stuff that you do that YOU find fun, without drugs and smoking. If she struggles to enjoy it at first, you must allow her ways out though.
Also, don't ever let her become aware of any hopelessness you might feel towards her. She will sense it and feel disconnected again- she doesn't want to deal with the pain of her family thinking she's a waster ( even if that's what she is, at present). You must try your hardest to be enthusiastic around her, wanting to be with her, loving your sister like you were kids again.
She needs to know that there's an alternative route to the one she's on, and she needs to enjoy it too so that she's encouraged to make the switch.
If these strategies don't seem to have an effect.... she is most certainly depressed, and you are right to think she needs help, and soon. But remember that she is very unlikely to listen to a simple 'We believe you need a shrink' comment. She needs the reassurance of her families love.
Something which is SO HARD TO DO but I've had to do it with my sister, is to totally change your reactions to her. If she says something you don't like, instead of trying to reason with her and say that it's not nice what she said or it's wrong and 'why can't you see that?', you need to say things like 'I suppose I can see your point. Personally I would....'
BASICALLY, tread softly. :)
I empathize with you a lot. I've had similar experiences.
She needs love.
She needs to be absolutely immersed in good, pure things.
You can help her for sure.
As soon as you can re-establish her connection with you.... then you might be able to tell her 'you know what sis, dad and I do love you, you have to know that. We BOTH have considered you might want to talk to a professional cos we can only go so far. Who knows, he may be hot'. Hey, you need to ease into it.
Just keep us updated. kay? I'd like to hear how some of your strategies have panned out. Then I might be able to give a little more refined advice :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): To me her life is seriously messed up according to what you describe. May be she needs to see a cognitive behavioral therapist and social workers to turn her life around. But if she refuse to get help, then no one can force her. She is 17.
You sounds like a really caring sister. The only thing you can do is try to talk to her calmly and find out the root of the problems. There must be something happened that had a tremendous impact on her behavior. But if she refuse then I am afraid the only thing you could do is to wish God would save her.
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A
male
reader, xgod  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 If you have not already done so, tell your dad everything that you know and suspect. Tell him you both need to get her under control and perhaps get her into a mental health clinic or rehab. She needs order and structure to make sure she will be healthy and safe. If your father does not have time to spend all day every day with her until she is strong and stable, help him to get control over your sister and get her to a place where she can be made healthy.
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