A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I have not been happy for quite a while and I finally made the decision to finish the relationship when I was on a short vacation with my family last week. However, I got back to find out he has joined forces with his parents who live in Italy and has bought me a ticket to go out there with him to visit them in late September. It is his Dad's 60th birthday in September so it's a big celebration, and they have all bought me it for my birthday present (my birthday is also in September). He is so excited and is saying it will be good to get away together. I just feel awful. I don't feel I can finish with him before then because the ticket and hotel have cost him a fortune, and he really is a lovely guy. We have just grown apart. I'm really stuck on what to do. Part of me thinks it's selfish to go and keep stringing him along, but the other part feels its selfish not to go because they have all spent so much money on me and it will ruin his holiday and upset his whole family too. I don't want to hurt any of them because they really don't deserve it.What do you think? I am back in school at the moment and don't have anything like the amount of money it would cost to pay him back either. Any advice hugely appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): I was in a similar spot about to spend the holidays with my fiance and all of his family taking a trip to the Keys and onto the Dominican Republic all paid for by them. I was completely content in my decision to end things, which I had decided while I was away from him visiting family in New York. When I returned home the holiday trip was booked and brought up. I didn't know what to do... it was 3 months away and I could not bear to stick it out with him that long. I was miserable... so I talked to him about it and we ended up working with a 3rd person to help us resolve some non-optimum parts of our relationship. We kept it between us, not involving his family and decided to do the trip. When we got back from the trip, we were planning our wedding. It's hard sometimes when you make a finite decision in your head, like every moment from then on you are lying... So my advice is that you've both given 3 years of your life, there is obviously a lot of affinity there and things were ideal enough to last that long... he deserves a chance to correct what's missing now. You'll probably have some to fix on your end too. Just put the trip on hold, tell him how you feel, and see from there.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 July 2013):
 You shouldn't pay him back, if was a gift. You don't pay back for gifts. That's one. You don't owe him or his family anything, it was a gift. End of that.
As for whether or not to break up with him, what if the situation was reversed? If I was in his shoes I would want you to be honest with me from the start. It's leading him on to go on a vacation with him to visit his family. You'd be leading his family on too. And then, once you got back and broke up with him, he'd know that you lied all along and were just pretending to be happy, while all along you wanted to leave him. And that stings. It will hurt him a lot less if you tell him NOW, before the trip. Otherwise you will not only hurt him by breaking up, you will also admit to having lied for months, fooled him and tricked him.
And for what? To go see Italy? You can travel to Italy on your own another time. And I know you don't have a particular desire to go to Italy, you're just feeling awful about them already having booked the ticket. But that doesn't mean you should go! The ticket can be refunded. Or it can be sold. Or it can go in the trash-can, but that would still be better than you lying for months and fooling him and his family by pretending everything is fine and then go, only to reveal afterwards that you wanted out the whole time and never actually wanted to go.
Tell him. End it now, before the trip. Or you'll just hurt him and it's completely unnecessary to fool him and lie to him for months, just because of a gift he gave you. You don't have any obligations to go, just because you were given a ticket. They gambled anyway, by buying you the ticket without you knowing about it. It's their gamble, their loss. What good will it do them that you go, if they find out afterwards that you broke up right after the trip anyway? Really, it's much much better to end things before the trip and save everyone, yourself included, all the charades and fake smiles.
If you're unsure about breaking up you should still talk to him. Tell him you are unsure about your relationship and where it is heading, and if you are happy with the way things are. That you and him need to take some time to work on your relationship/think about things. Maybe the trip will do you both good, but perhaps the time spent together will also make you see you are not happy together. Then let him decide if he wants to go on the trip with you, or just end things before the trip.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): Sorry maybe I've not been clear in my post - I've not ended things yet. I resolved to when I was away but found out about this trip before I did, and now I don't know if I should still end it now as originally planned or wait 2 months until after we get back?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): I think your timing was off, he didn't get a chance to inform you of the trip; before you gave him the boot. There has been a lot of trouble and expense.
Please be considerate.
You and he are no longer a couple. You must personally, and graciously, bring that to the family's attention. They can still get a major portion (possibly minus some fees) of their money refunded. You can take care of those minor fees in gratitude. Just don't spend too much time mulling over it.
In a similar situation, an acquaintance was invited to her ex-fiance's parent's 50th wedding anniversary. They truly loved her, and she them. Her ex left it up to her to come or decline the invitation, personally. She decided to go, because she was doing it for them, and she felt the occasion warranted her love and respect for all the kindness extended to her during the engagement.
There were no awkward moments; because it was a time of celebration. There were so many people in attendance, she was able to mix and mingle among the guests. So she was there as a guest of the celebratory couple, not as his fiance'.
Her ex was extremely grateful, he knew how much it meant to his parents for her to put her feelings aside.
If you won't do it for him, do it for his dad. Don't burn bridges. Just let your ex-bf understand, that your feelings will not change. You really want to show your appreciation for the family to extend such a generous kindness. That is, if they still wish you to come.
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