A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone im new to this site. Im not sure where to start. But i am very heartbroken my husband and i have been married for over a year we had only been dating for a month then we got married. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship i am 21 and he is 20. we have a 2 month old son together. any way i found out today that my husband isnt over his ex. they was together 16 months . in july he had kissed her and told her that he still loves her and that it was real and that he made a mistake by leaving her and getting married. i somewhat pushed him into getting married.also today he was wanting to go over to her house to eat because he didnt wanna go shopping for groceries he also asked if he could sleep at her house for a little while because he was sleepy. he also said that he couldnt handle being around her without wwanting to do things he talked about wanting to have sex with her and stuff. he claims to really really love me but he has never mentioned any of this.he doesn't know that i found out about everything. Does he really love me and could our marriage still work?
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female
reader, Laputa  +, writes (14 August 2013):
When I was your age, I was young and immature and lived life blankly. At such an age people make mistakes. The important thing here is that you are finding this out now than later. All the concerned parties sound immature. This man will never make you happy. count your losses. Open up to someone you can trust,for support. Can you involve your family in taking care of your baby? Plan taking a course, working. Simply, plan your life outside this man.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): Is he going to her house to see his child? Or is it just to be around her? If he wants to go there to eat and sleep, you obviously have real problems. You need to sit down and talk and tell him if he isn't going to give your marriage 100%, it is best to end it now.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 August 2013):
 Your hubby has attained "guy Nirvana".... he has two women fighting over him... and both seem to be content to joust for his affections...... Neither of you is likely to reel him in.... and he gets to live, indefinitely, with two different addresses where he can go for his pleasures...
I suggest that you two women get together and do something like arm-wrestle, or flip a coin.... and the winner gets this guy (not much of a prize, I admit)... and the other backs off and goes away. Isn't that about the fairest thing you can do?????
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (13 August 2013):
 Things aren't looking too good for you two, no.
I'm never one to judge, and I wasn't there to observe your relationship develop. That said, marriages that happen between two people as young as you rarely work. If you have been married for a year, that means he was only 19 when you two said your vows. Again I don't mean to judge and I HATE generalizations, but the emotional maturity of guys happens a bit slower than the emotional maturity of women until they hit their mid-20s, usually. And the fact that you two only dated for a month first? How soon was all of this after his breakup with his ex? (For what it's worth, I doubt it'll work between him and the ex either because, again, it's young love).
May I ask why you were so eager to get married? That's certainly something on which you really need to reflect.
What does your family think of all this? Can they support you if you and your husband break it off?
I'd suggest getting your marriage annulled.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 August 2013):
 Erm no he doesnt love you and to be honest (sorry to be harsh) your marriage was never going to work from the start - you got married before you even knew each other properly and you rushed into it, forcing him to do something he didnt want.
He is completely confused, on the one hand he knows he said those vows to you and feels he should love you and want to be with you especially because of the child. But on the other hand he wasnt ready for marriage, he wasnt over his ex and he is too young for all of this.
Both of you are barely out of your teens, you hardly know each other (even now - you've only been together just over a year) and you fast-tracked your relationship straight down the toilet. If you had waited a few months to get to know each other properly you would have seen he wasnt over his ex so you would have never forced him to marry you.
But you are in this mess now and unfortunately there is a child involved. My first question is how did you find out all of this? You need to come clean that you know - if you are playing grown ups with your marriage and babies you need to start acting like grown ups and talking to each other.
Not shouting or arguing - you need to talk face to face, calmly, explain what you know and explain how much this has hurt you. Admit you have made mistakes too by forcing him to get married before he was ready, and apologise for rushing him - but tell him that you want this to work especially now there is a child involved and you need to know if he is committed to making this work too, or if he wants to go back to his ex.
He cannot keep on like this with her if he wants to make your relationship work - so if he commits to you then he has to stop talking to her unless it is about their child, he cannot under any circumstances sleep at her house and he needs to stop talking to her about sex, kissing her etc - he is a married man and if he wants to remain married then he needs to be faithful to you and forget his feelings for her.
But you also need to be prepared that he might not be able to forget his feelings for her, this talk might prompt him to admit that he loves her and not you, and your marriage might be over.
But that is the risk you took by marrying someone you didnt know - marriage is a massive commitment and you need to know someone inside out before you can be sure they are the person you are going to grow old with. You also need maturity on your side to help when things get tough so you can work through your problems. You dont know each other and you dont have the maturity, so you really are fighting a losing battle here.
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