A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I've been together for 6 years. We engaged and lived together for 2 1/2 years before we got married and now we married for a little over a year.During our time together, sometime, he was extremely sweet and then next minute, he acted like an "a.hole" (excuse for my language). Anyway, sometime, I wonder he has bipolar. I am always the one who makes much more money than him and also the one who takes care of him. But that is my personality, I like to take care everyone.two years after we dated, he asked(begged) me to buy a house with him so his parents can move in (His parents were coming to America to live with him). He wanted them to have a comfortabe place to stay. At first, I did not want to but after seeing him so depressed, I melted and aggreed to help him. We bought a house together and his parents moved in and we got engaged so I could move in "my house". We split everything (all the bills) but after a year, I am the only one paying everything. However, he and his parents were mistreating me so badly. They told or even made up bad things about me to other. Treated me cold and rude when only me around despite I am the one who took care of them. They turned everyone in his family hated me. I still did not say anything to them. I know ppl will think why I was stupid - why do I stay but you have to understand I was raised in a tradition culture and that the wife is just like a slave to the husband and the in-law and somehow in our mentality, we deep down beleived in it.Anyway, when we were engaging for 2 years but I was not happy so I did not want to get married. Unfortunately, I got pregnant and I was afraid that my family would be upset with me so I decided to marry him plus at the same time, his mom was treating him really bad for no reason. So I feel bad to leaving him so that was also another reason why I decided to marry him.He was nice to me while I was pregnant though he still acted crazy (hot temper) sometime but I guess he did control his temper during my pregnancy. As soon as I had my daughter, he started to act crazy and violent with me. I am not sure why. Maybe he did not like to stay home. He liked to hang out with his friends. Everyday after work, he went straight to his friends' bar (where he called his second job) and woult not get home until midnite (that early) or 2-3 in the morning. I breastfeed my daughter, took care the house, took care of him....did not take any break. My baby was a colic baby too, she did not sleep at nite, I stayed up all nite took care of her and let my husband sleep thru the nite. Sometime, he got home late, I asked him to watch our daughter for a little bit so I could take a break (go eat dinner). He helped me for may be 30 mins then he could not stop the baby from crying so he got all pissed off, kicking things around the house. Came and yelled at me like it was my fault that the baby cried. We always disaggreed the way how we handle/take care when the baby when she cried. He would not support me or help me to go thru these crisis but he would get really pissed off and trying (came close) to hit me several times. If he did not hit me he will abuse my dog and properties. He became so angry and pissed off and verbally abussive so easily and tendency physically abusivive He did not help me to take care of the baby but he expected me to take care of the baby 24/7. If the baby cried non stop, he would come and yell at me. Acting like I am the one who causes it. He kept breaking my heart by leaving me at home alone with the baby even when I begged him to stay home with us. When he is at home, he always get pissed off with everything. I do really want him to be home with us so we can be a family but then half of the time I do not want to since he always stressed me out with his anger. And physically I am already too tired and I don't want he kept stressing my mental.I forgot to let you know that I am the only one bring money home (I made good money - I am an education and goodlooking woman and my husband is not but I dont'look down on him for that). My husband used all his salary to take care of his family (parents and sister-brothers) so he doesn't provide any financial. So I went back and work fulltime while breastfeeding as well all other housework/issues..etc...all by myself....but my husband still mistreat me. He did not show me any appreciation. He forgot our First Year Anniversary and now Second Year. Actually, I reminded him to come home so we celebarted our 1st Anniversary but he did not come home instead he went and had fun and got drunk with his friends. He also forgot my Birthday even we just celebrated his birthday two weeks before mine.Anyway, there are a lot more to tell but my letter is already too long. I went to see therapist for several months but I was still unable to make my decision. I don't know what should I do now. I wanted to get out of this relationship since I dont' see things go anywhere and I don't trust him anymore. We sat down and talked about this so many times -- He promised to change and then goes back to his normal self again. He did not feel that what he has done were wrong. He always blames that it is my faults and act like nothing happen. I am so tired of him and his family already. I don't want to deal with them anymore but I am so afraid that if I am making a mistake by leaving him. and that how's that would effect my little one (she is 18 months now and she is my world). should I stay with him so she can have both mom and dad (that is the reason why I've been staying)... Can a abuser ever change? Please advise...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Hi there,
I wont go into great length as its already been covered very well by the other poster.
But to put it simply, every person I have met in my life whose parents stayed a couple simply for the reason of keeing the family together has turned into a total screw up. They all suffer from trust issues as they can see how much their parents dislike each other. It is not a positive thing to do.
So get out as soon as you can, you need to get away from these destructive influences in your life and rebuild your future with your baby. You and your baby are what counts, and moreover, your baby is relying on you to make the right decisions for her future - the first one being getting her out of this horrid environment.That is your first step.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (23 April 2008):
 Sweetheart once an abuser I'm afraid always an abuser. I can't talk from my own experiences on that one but I did live in a relationship that was extremely controlling and this is exactly what your husband has been doing with you.
You have been one big meal ticket and that just isn't fair. If he does support his family/parents then where is your time, you are his wife at the end of the day and mother of his daughter, you deserve respect and appreciation that you are working and taking care of the home and him for that matter.
Your in-laws sound like ungrateful people and why do they not work? You can't tell me that they are that old that they cannot do anything to help around the place and why haven't they found themselves somewhere to live instead of sponging off of you.
GET OUT NOW sweetheart and take your daughter away from this man and family. Don't tell him where you are going get yourself somewhere safe. There must be shelters for abused women and children where you can be safe, find out some information but keep it to yourself OK.
You need to set your daughter an example and don't be a doormat any more for him to walk all over you. Sounds to me like you were the meal ticket for his family to come into a house that you helped him to get and now they don't give a damn. Don't think that in order to be good parents you have to live under the same roof as your daughter's father, if you weren't there then he couldn't blame you for a crying child and he would have to pull his weight and so would his parents for that matter.
I would file for divorce if I were you as you have rights and half of that house is yours sweetheart. Don't feel like you are the one who is wrong in all of this and don't keep on looking for mental conditions to explain your husband's behaviour. Of course he could have problems but that is down to him to sort out and not you to do it for him.
Do you have friends or family of your own who could help you?
I think you need to start to put yourself and your daughter first now, the being taken for granted is now long overdue and you need to get your life back on track and that isn't with this man of yours or his family. How can you be an independent family with them living under the same roof and filling his head with evil abuse and malicious venom that they seem to be saying to you. That just isn't on, you wouldn't treat a dog that bad. BTW get your things out as much as you can, the things that mean a lot to you OK, but do it when no one can see and plan your escape very well.
Get advice on what help you could get from your government as a single mum and start to live your life. We are only here once so don't stay in a loveless, awful, abusive relationship any more.
Here anytime for you OK.
Take care and don't let on what you plan to do to him or his family OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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