A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can you tell if your husband still loves you? We've been together for 11 years, met young, have two kids. I feel like whenever we have arguments my husband gets very defensive...it's like I can't bring anything up anymore without worrying how it going to react. I just want to be with a gentle, calm husband, and not one that reacts all the time. I always start off by discussing something nicely, and then he reacts and gets defensive, so his voice raises and then my voice raises and it becomes a fight, every time. He even gets mean sometimes and acts like he couldn't care less. If you loved someone wouldn't you try to be understanding and just listen? I feel like he doesn't CARE about my feelings or thoughts...for example, we just got a new fireplace, paid a lot of money for it, and when I'm home with the kids I try to put on a fire to save on heating bills. But the damn door never shuts for me, it's not closing properly. I tell him this and ask if he can all the company (as it's brand new and paid a lot for it), and see what they can do. The door seems to lock properly for him later when he comes home. So he doesn't BELIEVE me. And says I'm doing something wrong, like I'm stupid. If you love someone wouldn't you BELIEVE them? It gets jammed during the day and will not shut for me, I'm not stupid I know how to shut a door. And If it's this hard to shut the door and it keeps jamming, we should call the company and get it fixed, it shouldn't be that difficult to shut a door. He gets all defensive about it. When it's just a simple phone call to the company to figure out what's wrong with it. It's little things like this, and bigger things, where he blows up and reacts and gets defensive. I can't take it anymore. I'm starting to lose my happiness in life, my spirit, I'm starting to feel like I have nobody. It's just adding up, and I'm trying so hard to talk nicely and be calm around him, but he never lasts long. He stresses me out. :(I want to have a husband who makes me feel secure and okay, that everything will work out. I don't want to be THE husband. I want a real man who makes me feel loved. He seems to please everybody else but me. We have a good sex life, but I feel like that's it. but I'm missing the emotional connection with him. and he doesn't see mot want to TRY to be better or work things out...If he doesn't care enough to try harder, doesn't that mean he doesn't love me? he says he loves me, but it doesn't feel that way. to me, love is how you TREAT the person, NOT what's in your head. I feel like I don't even know what love it anymore. I feel broken, and just barely getting by. Anyway, I know we need counseling, we have a history so we are strong in that sense, but I'm really wondering from you folks, is this LOVE? Does he love me? Why does he say he loves me but I don't FEEL loved by him?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (21 December 2014):
 "You should treat your wife the SAME way you treat your kids.
Wrong wrong wrong, and the root of your problem. He does not want to be your child and he wants more from your relationship with him than a child can give.
"I do that with him! I'll hold off on jumping up and doing the dishes immediately or let the laundry sit a couple days, so that I can BE with him, and have that connection. THAT is more important then material things or little duties around the house...cause at the end of the day, none of that stuff matters. Not even work. It's the PERSON. That is how I feel and how I think, and if he's never going to understand that, then we won't live happily."
What you are saying is that he is different than you. Yes that is and always has been true. He was different than you when you met, he was different than you when you fell in love. He was different than you when you committed to marriage and children. Did you expect that magically he would turn into you? Would you really love him if he did? If you want to live together happily stop expecting him to change and start understanding the person he is.
"You can only try for so long, to be someone you're not, or trying to compromise, but if it doesn't feel right, then why stay together?"
You are willing to break the relationship because you can't close the fire place door and he can. In his position I would tear that fireplace out and save my family. You insist that he change who he is but you refuse to bend so much as to make a phone call.
Serious solid advice: Stop expecting him to treat you like a child. Get the love languages book and explain to him that you need something he is capable of giving you. Not because you need to learn how to interpret what he is saying, but because he needs to say those same things in a way that will resonate in your heart and soul. Then one last thing. Call the fireplace company while he is home, tell them that you are willing to pay them to have a technician, come out and show you how to work the door. Your husband needs to see you stand on your own two feet, that is why he is fighting you on this. With children at home he needs to have confidence that you can handle situations as an adult.
FA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2014): If you're unhappy, leave. Or he'll beat you to the punch some day and you'll feel horrible, maybe even become a horrible person in the process.
What'll happened wheh his mid-life crisis kicks in?
Take responsability for your own life. Find a job. Learn to do something that pays. Raise your self-awareness and self-respect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply. I see what you're saying, but that's not who I am. I've tried to do what you said, by understanding he's a guy and he shows love through loyalty, but I don't FEEL it, no matter how many times I tell myself. and if he only feels love if when I clean the house, well, that's pretty shallow in my mind. It's not WHO I am, and maybe it's not WHO he is. I guess we're just the wrong people for each other. You can only try for so long, to be someone you're not, or trying to compromise, but if it doesn't feel right, then why stay together? But I know we'll stay together, we have a history, we have beautiful children, I do LOVE him...but I'm just not happy. sometimes I just try to accept the fact that this was my choice, to live with it, to enjoy the small good moments we have, and just suck it up...I guess...but my spirit inside tells me otherwise...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 December 2014):
 Have you ever read the book "the five languages of love"
if not, google it, find the website, take the test (and make your hubby take it) to figure out HOW he expresses his love.
This book was a huge revelation for me. I define love by words and time and gifts... my husband defines love by acts of service, then gifts then time and then words.
MY saying "I love you" to my spouse means NOTHING to him
my doing the laundry and making dinner screams "I LOVE YOU" to him. makes no sense to me, but that's how HE defines love.
Once we both took the test and understood how the other defined expressions of love it got easier for us to show each other.
There are days I hate doing acts of service (laundry, dishwasher etc) and I have been mad at him and feeling unloved and all I can do is say to myself over and over "acts of service tell him I love him"
it's helped. He feels love and I know now that when he is doing things for me it's how he says he loves me.
AND now he tells me too now and again which is hard for him but he makes the effort.
Also I strongly encourage both of you to consider some couples counseling. 80% of couples counseling is about figuring out how to get the couple to communicate effectively.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2014): So, with love, you can say mean things to your wife and get defensive over small things? I understand fights happen, but we've had many talks about it and he promises to change but it only lasts 2 days or a week then he's back at square one. It's like whenever he gets stressed (which is often), he takes it out on me by how he reacts. I can't be with someone who is only nice when things are running smoothly for him. Yes, he's a good provider, but a lot of husbands are. He's taken me for granted for a long time, and I'm tired of it. To me, it's not about what you DO for the person, it's about how you TREAT the person. If you're saying a guy's love is by his loyalty and providing, by actions, then I guess you could say you could just 'provide' for your children but not give them any affection, and still consider that 'love'. You should treat your wife the SAME way you treat your kids. I do that with him! I'll hold off on jumping up and doing the dishes immediately or let the laundry sit a couple days, so that I can BE with him, and have that connection. THAT is more important then material things or little duties around the house...cause at the end of the day, none of that stuff matters. Not even work. It's the PERSON. That is how I feel and how I think, and if he's never going to understand that, then we won't live happily. Also, the reason I don't want to call the company is because he dealt with them and knows the fireplace, the parts, he can explain the situation and fix it much better then me. There's some things I take care of, and there's things he does.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2014): Firstly, why can't you call the company in the day? If he's working and the first thing he comes home to is the complaint that something isn't right and he needs to be the one resolving it - he's already going to feel unappreciated by you. To him it probably feels like the second he gets home he's being moaned at.Marriage is a two way street. It can be easy to become swept up on day to day life, taking each other for granted and forgetting to show the simply gestures that show you care.I've been with my husband 8 years, married for almost 2. We met just before we turned 17. There has been times where we have grated on each other, one complaining about something which sets the other off and then we're annoyed at each other. I realised that actually you sometimes have to be the bigger person and show love, to receive love.I'd start dinner on the nights I was home first, or walk the dog before he was home. He'd come home and see the effort, and it was reciprocated. He'd do the laundry if I was out with the dog, he'd fix whatever was broken because I'd cleaned. These simple gestures helped us appreciate each other again and the occasional times I get a bit grumpy he understands that he just needs to hug me, tell me he loves me. But he knows this because I told him. Your husband isn't a mind reader, if you think he doesn't love you because he doesn't do x,y or z then you need to say - when you are both calm and happy not in the midst of an argument - that it's little things that show you he cares. It's not all going to be him, you're obviously just going through a low patch and it will take both of you to pick things back up to happier times. Call that company yourself, when he comes home why not just give him a kiss and a hug, that physical connection although small will just put you in different mindsets. Remind yourself of why you love him and you'll find it easier to look for those things instead of what annoys you.Once you're more positive he's bound to pick up on it too.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 December 2014):
 Generally speaking men love their wives more than they can express but don't know how to show it very well leaving the wife wondering. You'r not alone. We men are just clumsy with expression of feelings. We(not all) love but can't explain it even to ourselves much less to the one that longs to hear it. It's a sad truth but seldom do both spouses really know what to do about it and we just kind of stumble through from one day to the next fumbling with our thoughts words and actions. Would we have it any other way? Not on your bippy.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 December 2014):
The first thing you need to realize is that you have over the years added a bunch of definitions of love that he has never heard of. Your letter is full of them, they have this form; If you love some one then wouldn't you . . . . .
Essentially you have chosen to interpret anything he does that bothers you as proof that he doesn't love you. Well if you loved him wouldn't you believe him when he says he loves you?
Start with the assumption that he does love you and then as a team start tackling the problems. There are problems. He has faults, I know this because he is human. You reaction to the problems is not helping you to a solution.
FA
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