A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I can’t forgive my girlfriend for cheating on me even though she didn’t ‘go all the way’ with the other guy. I’ve told her what she did was unforgivable but my friends and family all think she deserves a second chance and that I’m being too harsh on her. What do you all think?We’ve been together for 3 years and are both 21. Everyone thought we were made for each other when we first got together and to be honest I agreed. We had some amazing times in the first couple of years and were so smitten. My family and friends also adored her and thought she was exactly what I needed in a girlfriend. However, a few months ago she ruined all of that. I got a message on FaceBook from her ex-boyfriend saying that she had cheated on me. Not just with anyone though, but with the boyfriend of one of her friends. I’m not gonna lie, her ex is a complete arsehole whom I thought was just trying to stir up trouble between us and no doubt he was; but he wasn’t lying about it.Ever since she left school my girlfriend has been part of a group of friends. One of the girls was her absolute besty, they were inseparable together. Her friend has a boyfriend who it would turn out fancied my girlfriend. And my girlfriend knew this. For YEARS he had been flirting with her on Facebook, long before we even met. There were tons of messages exchanged between them and although she would never really reciprocate when he tried it on with her, she never once told him to stop or that what he was doing was wrong. Nor did she ever tell her supposed best friend about what he was doing behind her back. That for me spoke volumes.One Saturday a few months ago my girlfriend told me she was going out shopping with one of her other friends, but in reality she was going to meet him. Her best friend was at work that day and her boyfriend told her they would have an empty house together. It seemed like that was all the incentive she needed. When she got there they ended up kissing and touching each other downstairs, however my girlfriend stopped it just before they got to full sex. She then left quickly. When she got home I was confused because she’d been gone for barely 1 hour and she lied and said her friend had felt sick so needed to go home. I believed her though and literally had no idea that she had just cheated on me. I didn’t have the slightest inkling.It seemed like their ‘moment’ had been brushed under the carpet but perhaps stupidly, a few weeks prior my girlfriend told another of her friends about it, completely forgetting that this friend was very close to her ex. Obviously the ex found out one way or another, and he wasted no time in messaging me to tell me all about it. I confronted my girlfriend and she denied it until she was blue in the face. But it turned out her ex had also messaged her best friend with the same information and when she confronted him he admitted it because she had found all the messages they had been exchanging and shock horror, she then confronted my girlfriend about it. After a lot of pressure from both me and her friend, my girlfriend said at first that it was only a kiss and that was her stance for days, but when I mentioned taking her on a certain UK Daytime TV show for a lie detector test, she finally admitted the truth and that there was sexual touching as well, but that was it.I was devastated. I couldn’t believe she would do that to me, especially when I thought we had something so special. Reading those messages just broke my heart because she had so many chances to just say no to him, block him or better yet tell me or her friend about it, but she didn’t. Instead she pretty much humoured him for years. She just admitted she gave into temptation with him but quickly realised she had made a huge mistake, which is why they didn’t go all the way. It wasn’t good enough for me though; I dumped her on the spot. For me it was unforgivable. It’s now a few weeks later. She’s tried to reconcile with me, telling me how much she loves me and how sorry she is but I can’t face seeing her. Unsurprisingly her relationship with her best friend is in ruins but shockingly, her best friend has taken the boyfriend back. I’m not quite sure how or why she has forgiven him but it's their business I suppose. My friends and family have all waded in and most of them agree what she’s done is awful but they think I should give her another chance. I do miss her a lot but I can’t get the thought those two together out of my head. I also can’t shake the reality that on that Saturday morning she left our home fully intent on cheating on me. Even though she stopped it, there was a point where she wanted it, otherwise she wouldn’t have gone anywhere near that house. She can’t even say things were bad in our relationship at the time. Yes we have a few arguments from time to time but apart from that our relationship was really good, going from strength to strength. I don’t know what it was that made her even consider cheating. With her best friend’s boyfriend as well, it’s probably the ultimate betrayal.Part of me wonders as well, if in fact more happened than they both admitted and that they did in fact go all the way. I know I can’t speak for everyone but for me when you’re in the midst of foreplay and you get into it, the last thing you want to do is stop and it takes an awful lot of willpower not to go to full sex. But that’s just me.What do you all think?
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at work, best friend, cheated on me, facebook, flirt, foreplay, has a boyfriend, her ex, kissing Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2019): I bet 4 out of 5 women have done much worse, especially good lookers -- they get plenty of offers. My wife was a rich guy's mistress before we met. He bought her a new Z28, took her yachting. She had one last fling with him just before we got married. I gave her a pass. Actually never considered breaking up. This was 40 years ago.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): I took back a cheating girlfriend. Worst mistake of my life. She got better at hiding it, I had no idea she was still seeing the guy. Wasted 4 years of my life on her and I was 21 also when it started. If I left initially, it would have been only 2 years. You are young, don't waste your time on her. That is my experience and therefore my recommendation. I think you made the right choice
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): She cheated. Period. That's enough to break trust. So, she didn't go all the way. This time. What about the next time an opportunity presents itself? She crossed the line. She has proven to you she's capable of not giving a shit about you. You don't want to live your life being hyper vigilant, always wondering what she's doing, where she is. It's exhausting!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): Wow, I personally can’t believe you’re even asking this question. What she did was completely unforgivable in my opinion.
If it was a One Night Stand with a complete stranger then there may be grounds for you to forgive her over time but the fact that it was with someone so close to home makes it a million times worse. If you love someone then that is a line you just don’t cross. If you value your relationship with your best friend then you don’t betray them like that. Your girlfriend did this. You shouldn’t even consider getting back with her, I wouldn’t trust a single word that comes out of her mouth ever again. I feel so sorry for you and her now former best friend but you’ve kind of answered your own question when you say you are shocked that the best friend has taken the cheating boyfriend back. They might be back together but trust me, things will never be the same again between them. You say you can’t get the image of them doing what they did out of your mind, imagine what it must be like for her. If she has taken him back I seriously doubt she can think about anything else. Every time she looks at him it will probably be the first thing she thinks of. Imagine yourself being in that situation for weeks, months, even years on end. It would be mental torture.
I agree as well that they probably did go all the way that fateful morning. The last thing I want to do is plant seeds in your mind but think of it this way; why wouldn’t they have? They had an empty house to themselves; they obviously knew they wouldn’t be disturbed. I completely agree that once foreplay is over it is incredibly hard to stop yourself from having full sex. He was getting what he had been lusting over for years and she admitted she was giving into temptation with him. Even if she was having second thoughts during foreplay she knew at the time that it would be their dirty little secret to keep forever, until she for some reason spilled the beans to her other friend. So let’s be honest, 99.99% of people in that situation would just go all the way and deal with the consequences later, especially if they’re already both half-naked which no doubt they were. And usually regret only kicks in once the sexual tension has been released.
I watch the certain daytime TV show you were thinking of taking her on all the time and you see it so often; cheating partners are threatened with the lie detector and confess to a kiss and a grope with someone else just to try and soften the blow of their betrayal. None of them ever admit to having full sex until the lie detector exposes them, by which point their only option is to just deny it and say the test is wrong. This is exactly what she has done. Even when she confided in her friend she wouldn’t have admitted to having full sex just to try and save face a little bit.
So you want my advice? MOVE ON. Move on and don’t look back. Delete her phone number. Block her on every social media platform. Wean yourself off of her. I know you say you miss her and you had something special but she has ruined all of that forever. You deserve so much better and at only 21, you still have plenty of time to find something even more special. As for your friends and family, tell them to put themselves in your shoes. No doubt some of them are in relationships, ask them how they would feel if their other half cheated on them with someone close to their circle? I seriously doubt they could be so forgiving.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (14 May 2019):
She cheated, you no longer trust her move on!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2019): I would leave. She clearly didn't care about the risk of losing you. If you love someone would you do something that you know would ruin the relationship and hurt them? She made her choice. She cared more about getting off with someone else then how you would feel. Find I girl who is great AND loyal/trustworthy.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 May 2019):
 Your friends and family are not the ones who have to get over this and decide whether they can move past it; YOU are. Tell them that they have no right to make this decision for you, nor to pressure you into taking back your ex. YOU are the only one who has a say in this.
Some people CAN move past cheating, others can't. There is no right or wrong here. Everyone is different. It is still early days but I doubt you will ever forget how the whole thing made you feel.
If she flirted with this guy for years, despite him being her best friend's boyfriend, then her morals are very questionable, regardless of how much she did or didn't do with him in the end. Could you ever trust her again?
I'm sorry, a very hard time for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2019): Forgiveness must come from the heart. It must be complete, sincere, and must allow the person who has wronged you the chance to atone for what they have done. Forgiveness takes time. They must earn your trust back. There are different levels of it, and you go through different phases of emotion; as you reach the point that it (forgiveness) becomes absolute, and actually registers in your subconscious-mind.
Forgiveness is also based on the severity of the wrongness or betrayal committed against you. If the pain of the betrayal, abuse, or violence committed against you has caused severe emotional, physical, and psychological-trauma; it is likely it could take years to recover from it. No one is prepared to wait that long to receive your amnesty. In that case, you must discontinue all association and contact to take the time to heal. If injury is too deep, seek professional-counseling.
Never ever allow the pain to overcome you to the degree of developing depression; or manifesting in rage or violence. Do not engage in inflicting pain or harm to yourself, cutting, drug-abuse, or succumbing to various forms of self-destructive behavior. Seek help immediately!
Sometimes, the damage only goes as deep as your pride; and it's usually not that difficult to come-around from that. You would know how deeply you were hurt in your heart and soul; so you will know the level of forgiveness to offer. Be it superficial, which means you will declare your forgiveness verbally; and allow time to heal your emotions enough to mean it. This is also based on your character as a person; and the kindness within you. Bear in-mind, when the incident is fresh, you're in shock. The pain paralyzes or stalls your sense of mercy. Anger can cause cruelty, numbness, and desensitize you. She's still human!
There is another type of forgiveness. If you truly mean it; you will wipe the slate clean. While your mind and feelings will be reconciled to the degree, that you are no longer in pain over the harm or transgression committed against you. This is the most spiritual, kindest, truest, and purist form of forgiveness. The only kind I want to give; but not everyone will remain closely connected to me once it is given. Once trust is broken, it cannot be easily repaired; depending on the depth of the pain and damage caused.
You should never pretend to forgive, just to hold someone as a psychological-hostage; in order to gain vindication, or to punish them. That's not forgiveness, that is rendering vengeance through passive-aggression. You're using their remorse against them.
Feeling vengeful, you don't really want them to getaway with anything; and your forgiveness is based or conditioned on getting-even first. You're holding a grudge, and you've become toxic and embittered. So you have to be very careful of what type of forgiveness you're offering.
Others may encourage you to be forgiving; because it is virtuous and it frees the soul. We must always take into account that we all make mistakes. We all wish to be forgiven when we make mistakes. That doesn't mean you don't carefully consider the consequences before you act; with an expectation that you deserve to be forgiven, just because we all make mistakes. Everyone is given that moment to pause and reconsider. To weight their options and to evaluate the consequences.
If they go out of their way to proceed with it; dismissing the consequences, not valuing your trust, or stopping to consider the pain they would inflict. Then they might decrease any justification in being given exoneration. Although, you can still forgive them; but you should also let them go. They are likely to be a repeat-offender. They should have a stronger sense of self-control. It's what reinforces trust, and solidifies/signifies your loyalty and commitment. Don't set standards so high that you can't meet them yourself!!!
They're not to be rejected simply as punishment; but because they have proven weakness that needs time to be repaired. They need time to atone for not showing more care and concern for your feelings. They must also learn how to respect the gift of love, and the value of trust. This means you leave them alone; not stalk and pester them out of your own weakness.
People do not have a right to insist that you remain with her. If you can't forgive and move forward, it is best to forgive and let-go. Don't set unreasonable conditions; or blackmail people into making up to you. That is underhanded and manipulative.
It's best to be kind to people you care for; but you may also let them go, in order that you can heal without relapsing. Recalling the incident that will resurface and make you take-back the forgiveness. Once it is given, it should not be withdrawn; unless you are again hurt or betrayed. You still forgive again; but you cut all ties! Never to associate with that person, or those people, again.
Make your choice wisely; and with a sound and considerate conscience. If you have faith, and you are a person who worships God; pray, and God will give you the answer. Take your time; so you can allow all the angry and bitterness to subside enough that you don't shut-down. Let your mind rest a bit. Remove yourself from it all; before you truly give it a complete and thorough review in your heart, mind, and soul.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 May 2019):
 Edit...
I wrote: I get that SHE is a BAD person...
SHOULD of course have been...
I get that SHE isn't a BAD person...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 May 2019):
 I say get tid of her. When someone cheats, they have ended the relationship. She made that choice, not you. She basically had an affair with this guy for years in messages. Then finally it got physical, and she only told you because of pressure, not because she felt you deserved the truth. This is how little she thought of you. Heck no, dont take her back. Forgive if you want, but no taking back.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 May 2019):
 Planned in advance. Followed up with lies and trickle truth. Betrayed you and he best friend. And that is just the parts that she has confessed to so far. I think you have more than many people who break up. I think it is enough.
Here is some in depth thinking about this situation. This sad tale is all about boundaries. In a relationship the couple define the boundaries. We don't have sex outside the relationship. We are kind to each other. We don't do things that look like we are breaking a boundary. Perhaps being young you haven't actually talked about boundaries as a couple. In that case the boundaries are assumed.
The second kind of boundaries is the personal boundary, or DealBreaker. Some people know what some of their boundaries are. Some people only discover that they have a boundary when it has been broken. Some examples are I will not star in a relationship with a person who hits me. Or I will not stay in a relationship with a person who drinks. or lies to me or kisses or cheats. . . .
Here is the deal you are in. You have discovered that some of what she has done is unacceptable to you. It doesn't matter if your friends and family think that you should overlook this. If you don't accept it then that is it. Break up. And you have.
Reconciliation. I've often seen married persons advised to file for divorce on discovery of events like yours. The advice is File the divorce, get it started. This lets the wayward partner know that you do not accept their actions. It demonstrates exactly what the penalty (consequence) of those actions is. Then if the wayward partner wants to reconcile (yours does) then they can start to do the very hard work that reconciliation takes.
Here is a summary of what is usually included in a reconciliation agreement. 1. No contact with cheating partner (the boy she played with). No contact with people who encouraged or enabled the affair. 2. Complete transparency. She immediately hands over password to phone computer and all social media accounts. And you check it regularly. 3) Build trust by making and keeping promises. even breaking a minor promise can result in returning to break up. 4) Always call if you are going to be late for anything. 5) Counseling to find out why you were so stupid to do this and to prevent you from doing it again.
Anything less that this is rug sweeping. Sweeping the problem under a rug and pretending it never happened. This is the course that your ex and your friends and your family are recommending. And it is a Very VERY bad idea.
In order to heal from the emotional trauma that you are going through you need a full reconciliation. And one final warning reconciliation takes a lot of time.
it would not surprise me to see you still suffering from this 3 to 5 years from now. yes, longer than the relationship has lasted. 5 years ia a common number for betrayed partners.
A brief summary of all of this.
It is your boundary that has been violated not your friends and family.
You have taken the right first step.
You have an offer of reconciliation.
You are incharge of the conditions of reconciliation.
(never accept a hall pass as part of a reconciliation)
You may decide at any time not to accept any offer of reconciliation.
You will heal faster away from her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 May 2019):
I think you HAVE to follow your heart in this. Regardless of what family and friends tell you.
I would NOT give someone a second chance if they INSTEAD of owning up to it, denied denied and lied. THAT doesn't sound like someone who is remorseful at all.
She even "sorta" bragged about it to that "friend" who is friends with her ex. It wasn't a :"MAN I feel awful what should I do?" I bet you.
There can be plenty of OTHER reason why they stopped - IF they stopped. I mean would you ADMIT to having had sex with someone IF you could get away with just having done some kissing and heavy petting? So you will NEVER know for sure how far it went.
YOU will NOT EVER (I think) be able to trust her again. And your relationship will NEVER be the same again either. SHE ruined that by doing what she did.
You said they carried on a flirtatious thing for years? And when the opportunity struck, they made PLANS to hook up. So it wasn't like she had been in a situation and got caught up in the moment. THIS was a slow boil that ended up in a PLANNED hook up. Yes, she WENT there fully planning on cheating on you and betraying her BEST friend too.
What else is your GF lying about? Makes you wonder doesn't it?
I think that your relationship has run it's course, it is forever TAINTED by her actions. To cheat, lie and betray trust in both YOU and her best friend.
If you forgive this, you will be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Who else will she start to flirt with and want to meet up with?
I get that SHE is a BAD person, she made a SERIES of BAD choices. And that has consequences. Maybe this is a good time for you to focus on YOURSELF (not saying you should now go gallivant off and screw everything with a pulse, but maybe set yourself some SOLO goals and GO for them).
THAT is how I feel. But this is about you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 May 2019):
 If you’re questioning how your exes friend is still with her partner then why are you even here asking this?
NO! Of course she doesn’t deserve a second chance. She is a cheat. It doesn’t matter whether she ‘regrets’ it or ‘knew it was a bad idea’. The fact of the matter is SHE DID IT. She could of realised it was a bad idea at any point before going to meet this guy and then moved past it all and that would be that. We know that isn’t the case and she willingly decided to go and cheat on you.
How do you know it won’t happen again? She knows you’re a pushover if you take her back so why wouldn’t she meet another guy? You forgave it once so why wouldn’t you again? Who cares what your family and friends say, you are NOT being harsh in the slightest and you certainly aren’t living your life to please them. You are making a smart decision in protecting your emotional state by getting rid of a cheat.
Could you ever trust her again? Doubtful. You’d be wondering where she is, who she’s with, what she’s doing. Do you have any idea what toll that would take on your mental state? What way is that to live your life? A relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not drag it down. I think you’d be making a very poor decision to take her back. You may have been fantastic together, you could still be good together if you did get back, but she betrayed you in the biggest way possible, don’t you think you deserve better than that?
The fact that people can lie so easily is insane. Not only to her partner but her best friend as well? That’s next level stuff. Personally I’d be avoiding this one like the plague, she’s shown her true colours.
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