A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone, I have a question to ask. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. We live in different towns about 10 miles apart. One of my good male friends works in that town also. My gf and I get together 3 or 4 days per week. We have been exclusive for 5 months too. Over the last month or so, I keep hearing about coincidences of my gf and my friend, turning up at the same places ie same restaurant same club same store. I just ask my gf about it and she confirms this, so no problem. Since then I learn that he rides over to her home, before work to take her to classes and he times his lunch to meet for lunch or take her to hers, where they have lunch. This info has not come from either of them though. Working in postal delivery, I have a large network of friends and coworkers, who are quite loyal, to me. My gf has taken him shopping with her, and has canceled several dates, then gone out for drinks and even once, into the city dancing in the clubs. Do they have sex, or just a good fun friendship?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2019): This is the OP, in answer to Honey Pie: Prior to dating my gf, I spoke to my friend who had met another girl, and I asked if he minded me dating, my now gf, and he assured my that he was cool with that, as they were done. Some weeks later, my friend had a breakup with his new gf. My gf and I were there for and supportive of our friend, after a tough breakup! I took your advice, and I spoke to him and then her seperately, and asked directly, are they screwing. He said no way! She asked what he said, and I told her that I want her own answer! She told me NO, and that she loves me, and that I should know that. Further, I told her that we need to set boundries if we are to continue, and if she breaks a date with me, she will not go out with him or any other guy, except maybe her dad. She did say that she was sorry. I learned too, that when he was too drunk to drive home, they both slept nude, sharing her queen size bed, but with no sex. That still bugs me! Do you think that she will put space between them? Thanks
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2019): This is the OP again. In reply to Honey Pie: thanks for your advice/opinion and your kind concern! When my friend met that other girl and left my gf, I talked to him and asked if he would mind or if it would be a problem, for me and my now gf to date. He said that it was completely cool and to enjoy myself! Then about 4mo in, we became exclusive. Not long after that, he and the new gf, had a terrible falling out and a clean break. So he remained our friend and we supported him, in his sadness after his breakup. I just spoke to him today and I asked him straight out, if he was screwing my gf again, as he had when they were dating. He of course said, NO! He said they just have a good friendship. I phoned my gf and asked her the same question and told her that I had asked him also! Her answer was, what did HE say? I told her nevermind him, what is her answer? She said, of course not, I Love You, and you should know that! I told her that we need to set boundries! Do you think that she will put space between them?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 September 2019):
 Thanks for your update.
My guess is SHE wanted a BF, he didn't want to commit. So she started dating you, but kept him around.
I'm sorry to say this, but I think you are her second choice. If he at ANY point in time suggested that THEY should be together as a couple, I think she would drop you for him.
And I have to ask, WHY would you start dating a girl your BEST male friend has been going on a few dates with? That sounds like a BAD idea.
Also have you HAD any conversations with your BEST male friend about the whole thing? Was he OK with you dating her?
All that I can see is one of those love-triangles that are such trite in books and movies, worst ever plot-idea... less ideal in "real life".
If this is too much for you (them hanging out and spending time as much as they do, then end it with her and date SOMEONE who hasn't dated your friend and hasn't a male bestie that she would drop you for, to hang out with.
To me it also seems like there are no real boundaries here. Both between YOU and your Best male friend, between HER and him.. and just overall.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2019): Until I read your update OP, I was prepared to say that they just were real close friends, but I read your update, and reread your question again, and I am pretty sure that they are trying to pull the wool over your eyes. The fact that she felt that she owed him? Did he buy her new dresses? Then after going out to drink and/or dance together, and then he was too drunk to drive home? Maybe he was too drunk for sex also, but even if he was, you just have to know OP, that the next day, he was laying the wood to her when they woke up! Then those lunch hours when he picks her up and takes her home for lunch? If they ate out and he dropped her off, then Ok, but lunch at her place says to me that he is putting it to her! If she thought she owed him for the shopping, guess how else she paid her gratitude to him! You need to find out if he spends nights at her place. That would prove that they are having sex! Cut her loose because they are doing the deed behind your back. He may get it more than you do OP. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2019): Sorry but she's way too close to this guy. You're at the point where you need to investigate to prove your suspicions are correct or you can just leave now, knowing that she is indeed behaving inappropriately and doesn't have the guts to end your relationship (in case he doesn't work out) of she likes having her cake and eating it. Sge sounds very selfish and thoughtless. And unkind. Why hang onto someone who disrespects you?
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (15 September 2019):
She’s breaking dates with you to go on dates and that’s what they are with this other guy. Read everything you wrote, (they are doing everything a couple does) and then ask yourself why you think she is your girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (14 September 2019):
 Regardless of whether they are having sex or not, the fact she is cancelling dates with YOU to go out clubbing/drinking with HIM should ring alarm bells with you. It shows where her priorities lie - and it isn't with YOU by the sound of it.
Based on your description, my guess (because guessing is all I can do, especially as we only have one side of the story) would be that she is hedging her bets and keeping you on a back burner as a Plan B in case things don't work out with her "friend".
Why are you putting up with her cancelling on you to go out with him? Do you not think you deserve better? In your shoes I would tell her you deserve to be someone's priority, not their fallback plan, and leave them to it. You CAN find better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2019): If they were friends before you met, then it's not shady, she could have dated him if she wanted back then. No need to involve you in the situation. If you introduced them then it's a bit more unusual. I'm not saying they're having sex, they might just really be friends. But what concerns me is that you're spying on her. If you don't trust her, don't be with her. If you don't trust anyone, work on those issues before being in a new relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2019): This is the OP. Honey Pie to answer you, yes my gf and my male friend did know each other prior to my girlfriend and my meeting. They knew each other for maybe six weeks, before we met, and my gf had told me that they dated twice a week, and they would go dancing in the clubs, in the city often. My gf told me that they quit going out because he met another girl, in a club. I asked my gf about them shopping together, and she told me that she wanted a new dress or two for clubbing and since they had been dance partners, she wanted his opinions, so that she could surprise me with the new dresses. The two cancelled dates when she went out with him, she said that she felt she owed him, for helping her pick out the new dresses. I also learned now that they went into the city by train, and returned to hers, by train, but he was too drunk to drive home. They shared her queen sized bed, but there was no sex, she said. Idk whether to believe her or not. She could have left out that he stayed over. I want to trust her!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 September 2019):
Did they know each other BEFORE you two started dating? If so, they might just be friends. If not, I'd be wary.
The fact that she has cancelled dated with YOU, her BF to go hang out with him makes me think that YOU are the 3rd wheel here. Doesn't mean they are having sex, but I wouldn't be surprised if they do.
I can't imagine cancelling a date with my partner to go have fun with a friend. I'd INVITE by partner along for the fun.... UNLESS there is fun going on she doesn't want to partner to see?
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