A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi...I'm currently stuck and confused.My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago. We've been together for 9 years. The reason why he broke up with me was because he said we are no longer compatiable and are interested in different things. After he broke up with me, he had asked my friends how am doing, my friends said to him if he really wants to know, he should me himself. So, about a month after the breakup, he texted me, asked me if I mind if he still texts me. I said I don't mind. We saw each other few times since the break-up, usually going to jogging, and, sometimes I would end up spending a nite as his place. We also had a talk, he said to me he kept on wondering back then if he can do anything else to prevent the break-up and finally realized that our main issue was lack of communication. My ex is a really quiet person, he usually keeps everything to himself. He also asked, if one day, we do get back together, is there a way for him to tell me things that he doesn't like about me. I told him just simply be straight forward and tell me. I asked him if there's a possibility that we can get back together, or is there even a chance. He said there's always a chance, just not now, because he doesn't want to be in a relationship, not only with me, but with anyone. He is not interested in dating other girls either. I noticed that he has been contacting me a little more lately. Don't know if this is a good thing or not. When we do see each other, we really do enjoy the time we spent together, we were both very happy and confortable. Does my ex still love me and want to get back with me?I really do appreciate everyones advice.Thanks in advance.
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male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (3 August 2011):
 Thank you Denise! I agree with your comments as well. :^)
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (2 August 2011):
 Very good response, Daniel!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (2 August 2011):
It sounds as if he really struggled with being able to communicate satisfactorily while you were together. Did he
let you know at some point that this was an issue?
Then, when you've seen him after the break-up, he asked if it's possible for him to tell you things that bother him about you. So, its still about communication and finding a way to resolve what concerns him about behavior on your part he dislikes - by the same token, you should be able to let him know what you find objectionable coming from him.
It is, however, imperative to discuss these matters in a calm, non-threatening, angry or judgmental manner and to really LISTEN to each other without getting defensive.
Keep in mind you are no longer dating, however. Generally speaking, it is better not to maintain contact after a relationship ends, because you both need time to accept that things are now not the same as before. Also to be able to think about what led to the decision to not continue and to be able to learn from your experience.
I'm not in favor of "blanket statements." Everyone is different, and I'm not saying two people who used to be a couple can't - or shouldn't - ever see one another again - but I would advise against having sex (you said you sometimes ended up spending the night with him after going jogging). Why not have sex with an ex?
Because one of you may still be unhappy and not really have accepted the relationship is over. You might hope that by sleeping together things can somehow start up again.
I think it MAY be possible to be platonic friends with a former bf or gf when you have been separated a good long time - not just three months - and are absolutely certain you no longer have romantic feelings or longing to be a couple again. Then a friendship where you meet occasionally might be fine. You don't appear to be there, yet.
But what you have to remember is that whatever conflicts/problems were present when you were an item, will invariably crop up again - UNLESS you have both found a mutually agreeable method of resolving them!
You ask whether he still loves you and wants to get back together. But look at how he responded: "There's always a chance, but not just now. I don't want to date or be in a relationship with anyone, not just you."
That seems pretty clear, don't you think?
I would say he CARES about you. How could he not, given all your history together? He'd be a very cold fish if he was not in the least concerned for your welfare. Only, that's not the same thing as wanting to resume the relationship, by any means.
Maybe it would be good to think, given all this, just how much contact you want to have with this man at this point.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (2 August 2011):
Communication is the key to every successful relationship. So it's no surprise that you two broke up because of the lack of it. Obviously there was a turning point in your relationship to make him question if he wanted to stay with you. And that feeling that he had was so strong that he was willing to let the nine years that you two were together, pretty much go down the drain. With that being said, I think he still does love you. You can't just turn that switch off overnight. Especially if you had feelings for someone for a long time. I also believe he needs time to gather himself (and his thoughts) before he get back together with you (or anyone for that matter). So give him time. If after a certain period of time, you don't see any progress, or effort from him to get back into the relationship with you, then you have to move on, and work on bouncing back from the break-up.
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