A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey Cupids, I’m looking for some sensible advice. First off, I’m gay and my friend is bi (he hates the label). He’s one of my best friends but I’ve also come to realise that he has become very attentive and emotional around me. He didn’t see me for a month and he told me he really cared about me and was worried he would lose me. He is really protective of me because I was with one of his close female friends and she said something rude about me and he had a go at her in front of me, he used the same words I once used to stand up for someone I really fancied at the time. I thought it was a bit of an overreaction as what she said wasn’t that bad. He also doesn’t like me being upset or putting myself in a difficult situation and is very supportive and we both find we can talk to each other about anything. We were at a club last week and a female friend asked him for a dance and he pleaded no he wanted to talk to me instead. When I am hanging around with someone or seeing someone he can be a bit stroppy and walks away when the other person is around and he does like to find out about my relationships. I started to think that he might have feelings; I asked him if he loved me and he turned his face away and refused to answer. He’s a really intelligent guy studying medicine at the moment. He’s also a really good friend and I do feel lucky to have in him in my life (I have told him that). But I don’t want to lead him on and ruin a really good friendship; I enjoy things the way they are. So Cupids, do you think he does have feelings and if so what should I do?
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAww thankyou!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2013): When I said sexual contact,I should have included some examples. That might include, kisses on the neck in combination with a hug. Crotch to crotch contact; or excessive wrestling games. Pretending to hump you. These aren't the greatest examples; because my straight male friends love to tease; and have done these things playfully.
I think you've got it all pretty much under control.
You are very fortunate to have such a friend, and so is he.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDorothy, I think you got my sexuality confused, i'm gay.
Wise, thanks for your answer; when you say sexual contact what do you mean, literally grabbing me somewhere private? Other than the occasional hug nothing we never touch each other, I don't feel like doing it unless hes feeling sad. He does sometimes put his head in another male friends lap and he once stroked another male friends thigh and I know he did that deliberately to see my reaction.
I do care about him but hes like the friend who you go to if your relationship breaks up if that makes sense. I shouldn't have used the L word really, because to tell the truth I wasn't used to a friend like him so I guess I didn't know how to deal with it. Also that's why I told him I felt lucky to have the friendship and that comment did bring us closer as we just seemed more open after that. As for romantic love, I am looking for that and I was dating until recently but i'm back out there again, you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket right?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2013): Well, your friend exhibits the behavior that a very close friend exhibits.
He is protective, he's got your back, he is sensitive to your feelings and emotions; and he's reliable. Sounds like all the heterosexual-male relationships I know. You don't mention any physical attraction he exhibits toward you. That's the catch.
Men don't have a problem sending signals about their sexual attraction to you. If he isn't finding excuses to make sexual contact, your relationship is safely platonic.
He can still love you without being "in-love" with you. He can have a very deep affection that may evolve into something deeper, or different, over time. I'm just not convinced he's there yet.
He may not be ready for commitment. That means, he cares for you and may even be sexually attracted to you, but he isn't ready to have a full-fledged "gay-relationship."
He is holding back on that; because he has school and other things he may place in higher priority than forming a committed relationship with anyone. Friendship is more flexible and less demanding. He is wise at his approach.
It is so easy to fall in love with a best friend. They're physically and emotionally available. We know them well, and we feel deeply for them. We can trust them. They know everything about us, and they are loyal. So many young gay males romanticize or fantasize male-friendships into more than they are. We are much like women when it comes to the dramatic and romantic aspects of love.
I always caution people not to read too much into the loyalty and love of friendship. It runs deep and it feels wonderful. It is so easy to confuse deep platonic love with romantic love. So stop bringing up the "L-word," if you mean it in the romantic sense. Let nature takes its course. You want romantic love; but you claim you don't.
Don't take advantage of the convenience of his close proximity or availability; and don't put him on the spot. That makes love conditional. Not a good move.
Just leave it alone. Don't try to change course, just let it flow. He enjoys things the way they are too. He's not the one who asked you if you're in love. You brought it up.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (24 July 2013):
Hi there. It does sound like he has feelings, just from what you have said here.
He seems to get jealous when you are talking to other friends, which points towards him liking you.
And because you are gay, well then you aren't into men in a sexual way anwyay, so it's not like it's going to amount to anything, is it?
Well not for you, anyway.
It is definitely possible he likes you in a sexual way, but he already knows you are gay, and so he may see it as useless to pursue it beyond friendship.
You can't go wrong with just keeping it at friends only status, because that's what it is now.
He may want to pursue it's potential for becoming more, but it really depends on you, doesn't it?
If you are strictly women only when it comes to sexual partners, well then he is wasting his time even thinking about it.
I guess it also depends on whether you would even consider having sexual relationships with men, in the future.
...............................
|
