A
female
age
30-35,
*licai
writes:i am hopeing that i will get an honest answer from what i am going to write, and i hope i can get some help and advice,I recently been going out with my boyfriend hes 23 and im 19 and i would say i feel he could be the man that i would end up with, i usually enjoy his company he makes me laugh and he talks about that he wants to have kids and get marraged soon, we go out and ususally all over eachother like most couples.Unfortunly there has been alot of on and off times in the past,he is very reglious i.e he said that my parents would go to hell because they dont go to church, which made me upset and i can find him very controling.And this is been so much for me to handle in the past, that when i would try and end it he would use emotional blackmail so i wouldn't end it because i would be to scared to.I would end up cheating on him cause i was so fed up at the time.I know its a harsh thing to do he eventually found out. But strangly we both are still together, though he told me then the other day that his parents hate me and will never except me though i thought christains are meant to forgive eachother. And he said if they can't except me by christmas he will end it with me he gets very confused between his family and me, He ends up lieing to his dad saying hes seeing mates when he actually seeing me, and also he goes out with me in secert i.e he wont but we are in a realonship on facebook, or hold hands in public he wont even walk with me he walks slightly ahead.It makes me think he dosen't love me doing this,I dont never go around his all am invite to his parents house either, though my mum allways welcomes him around my house. though he says he does personally still wants me im not sure if its is because he is just scared of being alone as i am his first girlfriend. Know one has been out with him apart from me and hes 24! he seems to wasnt to respect his parents all the time appartunly they come before me when i have been told the love of your life should come first.I think he would also rather spent more time with his family than me aswell though his family mean everthing to him. He wants there blessing if we ever got marriage but at the moment though the parents hate me my bf is thinking of ending it.At the moment he is asking them personly.I feel like im just being on a tied along waiting for an answer which makes me feel like rubish, im scared they will say no because i think dan and me love eachother thou it all. And everything that has happened,and it would of been a waste of 2 years.My friends have told me that he is a baby doing what his mum and dad wants and not doing what his heart wants.But they think i better off with out him and should not settle down yet anyway and go and have sum fun as im only 19 yet anyway. Does anyone think he loves me though all of this? do you think i should sumhow make him want me eventhough his parents dont want me? or should i leave it? or show the parents i can be liked by them.? please reply many thanksAlice x
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female
reader, alicai +, writes (26 November 2010):
alicai is verified as being by the original poster of the question At the moment he wont talk on the phone if his dads around on in the same house as me around me,And this has been going on for 1 year,and also his dad said he would never except me though my bf said he could never dump me and i would find it hard to dump him, but if its the right thing to do then it will have to be done by myself if my bf cant end it He has told me that his mum still might say yes to excepting me,butim not sure if she will and if he moves out from his dads house the realonship will improve he says, but for now i feel tied on be a lead not knowing what to do x
A
female
reader, morphine-millie +, writes (26 November 2010):
I can tell you one thing now, you may not want to believe it, but your boyfriend is deeply manipulative and is controlling you. I know this because I can see many things that are happening to you now that happened to me in a relationship I had a year ago. Although my ex wasn't a devout Christian or anything like that, he was shallow, heartless and obsessed with money and not only emotionally blackmailed me for money and other things, he also blackmailed my mum for money ie saying to her "if you don't cough up £60 for me by the end of today, I won't give your daughter her college work back from my house" etc..Everyone gradually started to realise what he was like and thought I was mad to stay with him, but I needed him and relied on him so much that I ended up going out with him in secret where of course it got worse, he ruined my job, i grew apart from friends and it generally made my life hell. Don't let it happen to you.
This boy has recognised how much you want to be with him, so that makes you vulnerable to believing whatever he says, in my opinion the whole Christianity thing is just a cover up from his controlling ways, if he truly wanted to be with you, he wouldn't care what his parents thought of you and would be with you regardless, he's 24, he's an adult and is perfectly capable of choosing his own girlfriend or he'd at least make the biggest effort to make his parents like you, for example you say you're never invited around his house..If he cared about you that much, he'd persuade his parents to at least give you a chance or invite you to family meals or events. As for the cheating thing, it's clear something is missing, I did this with the controlling guy I was with and I didn't feel guilty as I didn't love him and I resented him for what he was doing but he still had that element of control over me so I stayed with him.
I think any person who would keep their relationship secret for no reason like this guy seems to be clearly does not want to be nor deserves to be in the relationship. It implies he's embarrassed by you. You're his girlfriend and you deserve to be acknowledged when you're walking down the street, to walk hand in hand with him and to be paid special attention. All I can say is that finishing it with this guy is definitely the most sensible course of action, he sounds like a loser with little empathy with how his controlling ways are affecting you and besides, you're 19, you should be thinking about education/work, having fun and finding a nice boyfriend who will treat you like you're the most important person in his life.
Sorry to sound blunt but I hope this helps!
Millie :) x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): Listen girl, a real man will care about his lover and his parents. If he loves you then he'll let them know that he wants to be with you and plans on making things right so that they can make of that what they will.
Real men don't ever hide their girlfriends or their wives, embarrassed children do that. Two years seems like a long time to you simply because you're so young. I say tell him to get serious and stop playing games or leave him and don't let him emotionally trick you into getting back with him just so he can start playing games again when he feels comfortable.
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