A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Right, please bear with me here!About a month ago a guy started talking to me online. The conversation was general and based on a common rugby team we both supported.The conversation got gradually more flirty and it was at this point he decided to reveal he was married and had a child. To say I was shocked is an understatement! He apologised for the flirtiness and I assumed he would then stop chatting to me. But if anything the messages increased, ranging from friendly to flirty. I would say “you can’t say that” or “I’m shocked!” but the messages continued.These messages were mostly friendly and general chit-chat which I really enjoyed. Anytime he said something flirty I would respond normally, and not flirt back and tell him if he was being inappropriate. But even then i found myself waiting for his responses and really falling for him – even though everything in me knew it was wrong.One night, I went online as I couldn't sleep and he ended up having a really inappropriate conversation with me. He said some very inappropriate things (some fantasies he’d had about me etc) but I didn't respond in the same way, I kept saying “you can’t say that” etc etcThe next day I had no messages at all from him (after having at least 50 a day = a conversation other days) so I sent a general hello, and he then replied apologising for the messages the previous night and that he would stop.Since then, the messages have been pretty random and few. When he does reply, he’s quite to the point etc.His job is a designer and he offered to give me some advice, so I met him today. He was lovely and now I’m falling for him, but I can;t believe he can go from full on flirting etc etc to nothing. Does he still feel the way he mentioned before? Or was it all a laugh for him? Does he want more? How would I know?!Also for the record – I am not a home wrecker! I just want to know what all these messages/no messages etc mean – I’ve never been involved in something like this before and don’t know if this is the norm! Thanks!
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (26 November 2010):
 He gave you the ho test and you passed.
Let me explain. Sometimes, when guys meet a girl, they test her to see if she is down for a no strings attached sexual relationship. This is called the Ho Test. When he told you he was married and sent all those dirty messages, he was testing you to see if you would sleep with him even though he was taken. You didn't go for it (from his point of view) so now he has little to no interest in you.
Find a single guy to talk to.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): Your situation sounds very familiar to me. Good girl meets lonesome, unfulfilled guy (despite binding attachment)...Unfortunately, there are already serious feelings developed now, so there's no turning back the clock now you know he's currently attached.He isn't trying to scare you (though it is thrilling for any man to shock innocence); perhaps I should say, rather- the last thing on earth he wants is to frighten you away, nymphie!He has fallen for you and wants to be honest with you... sharing his personal fantasies with you is his way of, well, expressing his love! He doesn't see the world through eyes like yours, and so misunderstood your disapproval. He likely feels that he handed you his heart in being so candid and that you returned it crushed to pulp.I completely understand your uneasiness at the flirting... but guys are simply wired to speak to ladies they are attracted to in this way, so to make it as clearly plain to you as possible that they Don't! want to end up as "just a friend".Try to tell him, instead of "it's inappropriate" or "it makes me really uncomfortable"... that you are simply an olde- fashioned girl, through and through, and are hoping for a guy who is o.k. with that.I know this answer does not solve your problem, but I hope it helps you gain some more perspective on it.Here to help,Tante Victoire
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