A
male
age
41-50,
*mmick
writes:Just trying to make sense of something that probably isn't easy to make sense of. I recently broke up with my longtime gf of nearly 6 years after catching her in an inappropriate text/email/Facebook "flirtation" and the subsequent lies she made in order to keep this guy in her life. It's been less than a month but so far so good. My last relationship ended on a sour note after 4 yrs when I caught that gf cheating (physically and emotionally). It was a difficult split bc she felt as though what she had done was a minor indiscretion (claimed it only happened once). Both of these ladies at one point in their lives had experienced a sense of rejection. The former being, in her words, "an ugly duckling" as a teen. Although I and quite a few others have found her looks since her mid-20s to now to be absolutely stunning. And the ladder was insecure bc her older sister had a way of stealing guys away from her. She always felt guys were only attracted to her in order to get closer to her sister. So my question is:Does a sense of rejection from the opposite sex earlier in life cause one to be more likely to cheat bc of the extra attention one gets? Understand I've always been known to spoil past gf's with gifts and affection but now wondering why that is not enough for them
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 TrancedRythmnEar: "Women cheat on you because you can't maintain attraction... Assuming they’re attracted to you in the first place. Pampering them with gifts and crap only [makes you] comes across as a soft ass kisser man."
Hahahaha! I wouldn't put it like that but this man is right.
"Its wussy in as much as women say they like it [when really] they don’t, on an attraction level... Back to the gift giving keep it simple even around holidays. Simple doesn’t necessarily mean cheap. A rose from time to time or her favourite candy or something else. Women like the thought more than what the gift actually is."
Again, I agree here.
Generally, there is nothing you can do about her self-esteem. That's why it's called SELF-esteem. Its how she perceives herSELF. Just treat her right and be yourself. Show her you love her by doing little things for her. With women it's the thought that counts. Don't turn into Mr Wussy Wimpy Man by buying her gifts all the time and telling her how beautiful she is every time you see her. Tell when she does look beautiful that she does now and then. If you say it every day, it becomes meaningless (this is the law of diminishing returns).
Personally, I wouldn't date a girl with self-esteem issues. I've been there, done it, and I'd much rather find someone else but that's me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): I want to say "it depends". I was bullied for my appearance and still am sometimes by strangers (although I don't think I'm that odd looking...). I think that low self-esteem people such as myself have learned to base how they feel about themselves on how other people seem to perceive them. In a relationship, it is important to remind him or her regularly (all you have to do is say "Hi pretty girl" or "Hey beautiful" maybe once per day or two...so it's not that much work) that they are good looking (even if they aren't). Of course this is a blatant statement and I don't think a "bad" childhood should be to blame for cheating in adulthood. I do not cheat for example and was made fun of and have been through quite a bit of stuff. I broke up with my only 2 boyfriends because they would insult me regularly (for no reason except paranoia or to take out aggression) instead of being nice. If you are nice and spoil your girlfriends, then just put it down to a bad apple with an excuse for their bad behavior (when don't they have one?) so they don't have to take responsibility. I am glad those two relationships ended, although one thing that springs to mind to me personally is whether it was agreed upon to not get married. I am only 22 and would not stay in a relationship more than 2.5 years without a proposal. If you want a woman who you can spoil ($$$ not optional) and will respect you in return, find yourself a southeast asian or Japanese woman (Be careful with Chinese and HKers).
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Women cheat on you because you can't maintain attraction. Assuming they’re attracted to u in the first place. Pampering them with gifts n crap only comes across as a soft ass kisser man. Its wussy n as much as women say they like it they don’t on an attraction level. Maintain attraction by teasing them and staying in your own world. Meaning have independence. Women love a guy who they see as busy and has his priorities over a woman’s time. Make them earn your time, you’re the prize.Back to the gift giving keep it simple even around holidays. Simple doesn’t necessarily mean cheap. A rose from time to time or her favourite candy or something else. Women like the thought more than what the gift actually is. Do you get it? Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 February 2013):
 I do think that a low self-esteem contributes to EMOTIONAL cheating... not always physical cheating.
my last husband had no self-esteem.. and he could NOT accept that only one woman wanted him and loved him so he would go online and flirt and make friends and "Forget to tell them he was married" and lead them on so he got that ego stroke of new women wanting him.
For me as a former swinger, I can tell you there is nothing like the head rush of being "the new girl at the party" due to all the attention you would get from strangers... it was very ego stroking.... some folks don't want to give that up.
I don't know that all folks with low self-esteem will cheat... I mean I don't... and there are days that I'm as low as they get...
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 February 2013):
 While it may be that some form of rejection in a girl's childhood may make her crave attention... I think that a girl is more likely to be a bed-hopper if she has succumbed to so much of the media that is telling her how important it is to be broadly popular with EVERYBODY.... AND she interprets that to mean that she can get all the boys to like her if she is sexy, flirtatious and - ultimately - puts out.....
It wouldn't help - as well - if, in her family life, she saw infidelity... such as if her parents were not faithful, and/or made a tempestuous split when she was in their household.....
There are plenty of reasons for a girl (or a guy) to be promiscuous.... It takes a good set of "values" and strong sense of one's belief in "what is right" to avoid the temptations of the pleasures that is sex....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 February 2013):
 I think it can be in some cases yes. I must admit I have been one of these girls, and still struggle with the same issues - I was bullied as a teenager for about 4/5 years by a group of boys who would say I looked like a man, I was fat, ugly....basically there was not a body part that they didnt pick on. They would do awful things to me, steal money from me, basically made my life a living hell.
So clearly my confidence and self esteem around men isnt going to be great after that, especially because it was boys that bullied me. Fast forward to Uni where thankfully I grew into my looks and turned out not to be so ugly after all, and I got loads of attention from men. And despite having a wonderful boyfriend I ended up cheating on him. And the same thing (I'm ashamed to say) has happened a number of times since with other boyfriends.
I knew all the time I was doing it I was completely wrong and I was achieving nothing, but deep down I think I'm still so shocked that anyone finds me attractive and I find it so hard to say no to a cute guy who starts chatting to me and wants to get my number etc. I knew I had a great boyfriend back at home, and I knew I loved him - but the need for validation that I'm not a fat ugly girl who looks like a man was stronger unfortunately.
I feel very ashamed about what I did when I was younger (I'm 25 now) and dont like the way I behaved towards these boyfriends who did everything for me and were perfect gentlemen. It was just never 'enough', I needed validation from more than one man I guess.
However all is not lost on female kind, we can change! I am now with my current boyfriend who I have been with for 16 months, we have been living together for nearly 10 months and I can safely say, with 100% confidence that I will never cheat on him. Is it him that is different to my past boyfriends? No not really. Yes there are some differences, but all my ex's treated me very well (bar one) and there is no real difference in the way he treats me compared to them.
The main difference is me - I've finally accepted that I'm not so bad looking after all, that men will hit on me mainly because I have big boobs and these are not the kinds of men you want to be swapping numbers with! I've accepted that my past is just the past and has no influence on my present, apart from the fact it has made me stronger and less bothered about what other people think of me. I feel I have finally matured enough to realise that getting validation from more than 1 man regarding the way I look doesnt actually make me feel better - what makes me happy now is going home to my boyfriend knowing that he loves me for who I am, not the way I look. Meeting other guys in bars or clubs is never what you want it to be, its just the alcohol talking and its never as good as it first seems. Basically whatever a random guy says to you, its never going to make you feel as good as being truly happy with a man you love.
So I think girls grow out of it, some take longer than others and some may never grow out of it at all. But I hope that my story has shown you that we can change, even those with really low self esteem can one day grow up enough to appreciate what we have at home and not need other men to make us feel good.
Hang on in there, one day you will meet the right girl who either doesnt have self esteem issues, or if she did they are firmly in the past.
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