A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years, we are now 27 years old. We currently do not live together, I live at home because I just finished university, and since he dropped out of highschool, the job he has does not give him enough money to afford his own place. He has always been 'mothered' by his mother, she cooks, cleans, does his laundry, buys groceries etc. So I think that is one of the reasons he doesen't feel the need to move out. Anyway he always says how much he loves me and how he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. Now you know a little background information, I have been pushing for us to move our relationship forward, because not only have we been in a relationship for 11 years, I have known him since elementary school so we have gotten to know each other extremely well. So last year, I told him I think we should get married, so we can move in togehter, or if he is not the marriage type, we can move on and just remain friends. I was not rude about the way I told him, I just made it clear I want to be with him and marriage would be the first step. So he promised me last May 24th 2010 that he would find a good job, buy me a ring and promised me a proposal by May 24th 2011. Guess what, he still has the same part time job, didn't save a penny for an engagement ring and told me, "sorry". My question is, am I wasting my time. I was a teenager in 'love' and am probably blinded by the truth that he doesn't want to marry me. So should I cut all ties now and find what I want, or do I continue to give him time?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): ".. Most married twelve months after they first met."
really?? No one in my family, friends or even general outer social circle, ever got married that quickly!
maybe I'm strange but every one i know who is married, took much longer than this..
maybe my husband and I were exceptionally slow... we were together 8 years before he proposed, then 2 years engagement, now married 11 years so far... we always knew we would be together, with or without a piece of paper from the state
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 I do hope you have found the courage to move on. Maybe this relationship felt full of promise years ago. But this guy may never stop being Mommy's little boy.
Time is marching on and you need to move on. Because it sounds like he never will.
Your current guy is not on the same page as you. It seems you moved ahead and became a responsible adult. While he remains stuck in a teenage time warp.
If you do not move on now and get on with finding a more responsible guy then you too will sink into a time warp too.
You need to give yourself the chance to experience the freedom of some travel and some exciting new experiences. And the opportunity to meet new people.
If you want children and a responsible man you and your children can rely on you need to take decisive action to love on..
You do Not need a wimp who is happy for Mommy to take care if all his needs.
All the adult guys I have ever seen in love, in our circle of friends, has proposed marriage within three to twelve months of meeting 'The One.' And marriage has then been eight to twenty four months after the day they first met. Most married twelve months after they first met.
Men move fast when they know the girl is really 'The One'. They really do not want to lose 'The One'
How do you make plans for the future when this guy is still stuck in a time warp of a teenage boy?
Please put yourself first. Otherwise you could wake up one morning and find he's still promising to get around to doing 'something', and you are old and past having children.
There are some great responsible capable fully employed loving guys out there. Give yourself a mini makeover, make some changes in your approach, your hair, your wardrobe, you attitude and join some groups where you can socialise, maybe also do some good (volunteer groups helping the community?) and get back into dating. And don't talk about your ex to new guys.
It's enough to say you were in a relationship and you ended the relationship. End of story. Because you don't need new guys to know that you might be easily pleased with empty promises.
Because now is your time to be pampered, supported and treated well.
You need to find a Man who wants to do all that. And keeps his promises. A man of character and the integrity to be a man who is responsible and caring. And wants to go forward with you as an equal partner.
Not Mommy's little boy who needs his nose wiped. And not a guy who is full of excuses and weak little 'sorries'.
Only you can take the Action to Move on. Do it for You. And don't be manipulated to stick around for another 11 years waiting, waiting . . .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011): Ask yourself, do you really truly love him and vice versa, that he is worth waiting for? Do you love him enough that you want to be with him and to not force him into something if he's not ready, but will be happy to wait patiently for when he is ready?or do you not really love him that much, you just want to progress in your life - as defined by certain things like marriage - and he's the guy who happens to be with you up til now so you feel it "should" be him, not because he's your soul mate but cos you have invested a lot of time and effort into him and dont' want to see that investment lost? there is a difference. this isn't a good reason to hang onto someone, seeing them as a path toward achieving a state of being that you want to have. the longer you stay with someone, the less satisfied you will be even if he did marry you. (then you'll find yourself in an even bigger dilemma, should you stay with a husband that you don't love, because it's a big hassle to divorce and you've been together 20 years..)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): THere is nothing wrong with either of the places you or he are at right now, but a couple of things are clear to me. First, you are looking for milestones, not love. Not once in your post did you express any real feelings for him...only that you want to "push to move on". Vows, rings and promises of love come from the heart...not ultimatums and deadlines. You may feel ready to marry, but what you really want is just some commitment and progress. That doesn't happen from a ring or an "I do".You 2 are not aligned right now. Chances are you will not align any better if you wait or even if he DOES propose. I would move on.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 May 2011):
 Yep I think you need to move on hon,if he at 27 is not self-sufficient, he probably never will be.since he did NOTHING to meet your deadline you need to stand your ground. IF you don't he will know you make empty threats and you have no power at all.when you get married to this boy will you both live with his mommy? how will you be able to live alone like an adult married couple?I can assure you that being the primary breadwinner grows old fast.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 May 2011):
 I am afraid that you'd better move on.
The problem with ultimatums, is that you have to back them up, otherwise you are making the situation worse ,not better. He was supposed to do certain things by May 24th ,he didn't and said "sorry". If now you renegotiate the ultimatum to May 24th 2012,... he knows that he can keep doing nothing and there will be no consequences and the status quo won't vary , so he will do exactly nothing... and probably won't even bother to say "sorry " anymore, he'll say " stop nagging ".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): You're fired
Those are the only words of a Trump I would consider, and by fired, I mean your boyfriend because you are clearly the Trump in this relationship.
I don't mean to be insensitive, nor do I mean to sway you in either direction, but the simple fact that you publicly posted your state of affairs for public discussion means that you have already debated the possibility to the end of an era in your mind and have now gained the courage to open yourself up for debate.
If I were to play the Devil's advocate, I might say "Why not propose to him?" We don't live in a traditional society, and from the sounds of your statement, you certainly don't follow a conventional path. But from the tone of your argument, I don't think you would entertain that train of thought.
Instead, I will leave you with this, If you love him, let him go, let him grow or wither of his own accord, if he finds himself back to you or if he doesn't you won't have to live with that damnable question "What if?......."
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): Your post sounds good. He is a lazy dog and needs some training.But who puts a timeline on a marriage proposal? In the world I live in this is a spontaneous act of love in which the man is over come with passion for the woman he loves and makes this proposal on his own with no instruction manual.I hear you saying there was a window of his proposing in the manner you deem fit and him missing this window might exclude him from who you want to spend the rest of your life with. I get you wanting to move on with your life. I get you are frustrated with him dragging his feet.But if you are making the single most important aspect of your relationship outside of having children some sort of transaction, what else do you set conditions on?Maybe he loves you but he is tired of you making demands that while not unreasonable, make this sound like a person buying a car.Back off for six months.If he doesn't motivate himself kick him to the curb. But give the guy some time to think for himself.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 May 2011):
 He still has 5 days left in the deadline. Which I support, by the way as I delivered one myself. One year, after which I was putting myself back on the market. Thanks, it's been great, you're a great guy but I have my goals and dreams in life and it's time to decide if you share them. It doesn't make him a bad guy if he's not ready.
I think it would have been good for him to live on his own and look after himself; that's always an eye-opener for anyone who thinks they are grown up and ready for commitment.
I'd say you have given a reasonable 'ultimatum' and that the time has come for you to decide if he's really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. He sounds a bit, um, well.... unenthusiastic about it.
I would personally cut ties and move on to the next chapter in your life. You're not being mean or nasty, you are just ready to take the next step.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): Just move on girl ! look at him. a seriously uninterested guy ....
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 May 2011):
sounds to me like you're wasting time with this guy. And besides, if you've been with him since you were 16, you don't know if he really is the one for you since you haven't been with anyone else...and right now, he is not looking like marriage-material....
it's not just that he doesn't want to progress the relationship, it's also that he doesn't want to progress his life. you'd probably be better off looking for someone new, who is on the same page as you as to what life-stage he wants to be in.
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (20 May 2011):
How much more time do you need to give? Granted, you're still young-ish. You just finished university and you're only 27, you do have time to wait before getting married, having kids, the whole shebang. What I'm more concerned about is the fact that he gave you his word that he would do something, and he broke it. And it was about something very serious (saving up, getting the ring, and proposing) and all he could say afterwards was "sorry"? Obviously he isn't taking this seriously, and maybe his promise didn't really mean much of anything right from the beginning. At this point, I don't think all the time in the world would make a difference. He doesn't sound like he has the drive and motivation to actually work hard to save up and make the commitment to you and a future family/home together.
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