A
female
age
41-50,
*eidi328
writes:I am torn because my bf of about 8 months looks at porn. I found videos he dowloads, web cams vids and short movies. I am very hurt and feel betrayed. I asked him in the beginning if he looked at porn and he said no. Then i found it on the comp. I confronted him , i was crying and I told him how i felt about it and and asked him to stop. He didnt think it was a big deal but said he would stop and told me how to delete his files of porn from the comp. Now i am so hurt and angry that he lied and is still doing it. Does this mean he doesnt love me if he lied to me? I cry about this a lot. should I bring it up to him again?
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (23 June 2008):
 I think you made the right decision.
As you may have gathered, I personally think that your feelings about porn are over the top and totally hard line, but since that is how you feel there's not much help for it. That was really the only way to go.
Anyway, I hope you do better with your next guy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Hey girl... Im pretty sure my boyfriend of 9 months looks at porn to and he promises he doesnt but i check his history every now and then and i notice he really donesnt know look at it often..he prolly downloads stuff and i know he has a webcam account at myfreewebcams.com but i deleted it.:)
But anyways you shouldnt be torn by it i felt hurt when i found it i keep thinking am i not good enough for him? but i didnt say anything because bascially every guy looks at it whether they have a girlfriend or not... and he does it because he is probaly horny. Guys have sexual urges and he probaly does that thru porn. Its okay if he looks at it...its totally natural im trying to get over the whole porn thing but my bf doesnt even know that i know he looks at it or that i check his history!
So there is nothing to worry about just remeber its just a computer screen that shows a bunch of whores with fake boobs and computrized bodies haha
So i hope my adivce helps you
even some girls look at porn to.
Porn is just there and there is nothing we can do about it.
welli hope this helped
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Wishing you all the best and hope that you will find your next perfect man.
I hope you won't have regrets or remorse from this decision somewhere down the road.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Finally, Heidi, you get it. You are absolutely right, don't ever compromise your core values/beliefs, you don't have to do that for a man, and if you do, it would seal your fate as an uhappy statistic.....stand strong for what and who you are, so that the man of your dreams will recognize you, you have to be your authentic self....good for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): That's really great. I'm glad you're feeling the way you are. I think you've done the right thing. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): Great. I think you made the right decision for you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Heidi328 +, writes (18 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hello, just to update everyone, we have broken up. If someone can't respect my feelings enough and care about what hurts me, then that is not a respectable relationship. I shouldnt have to compromise my morals and beliefs. I know I deserve better, so I had to choose. We are still friends, but as far as guy material, I will not settle for such sleaze in my relationships. I feel relieved, and stronger. He was not willing to stop, so i had to do what was right for me.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (9 June 2008):
There are two extreme camps on this porn issue.
On one extreme is the hardcore porn lovers and on the other extreme is the anti hardcore porn haters.
Many of us are in the middle and we can live with some porn in moderations.
One cannot convince the other and we might as well agree to disagree and live in peace.
Live and let live.
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A
female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 this is what i dont understand about girls getting angry about finding porn on their man's comps or finding videos under the bed or stuff like that i mean its natural where do you think they learn the stuff they do to you??
my boyfriend and i sit up everynight to watch a porno or watch one on the computer and then we try diffrent positions
im sure he doesent care about the girls and if he is masturbating to it
its because you arent giving him enough so just stop fussing him and let him get the job done it beats you getting down on your knees for him
if it gets me out of work when i dont want to do it then i say go for it!!
and i can garentee you when you DO want to have sexual intercourse he will totally be all over that... its just porn get over it its not like he is cheating he isent touching another women or having sex with another women
would you rather him cheat or watch porn?...
ask your self that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Let me guess anon female. You are the same anon female who has the beautiful 6 ft 2 French boyfriend who is so perfect that neither of you need anything, porn or otherwise, to be your perfect selves. Yes, I have read so much about your perfection. Do you by any chance have a screen name so that we can all more easily follow you and learn how to be such perfect people?
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female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (7 June 2008):
 Let me give you 20 odd years years experience and insight of men in general and how they think.
1. His girlfriend could have the looks and body of Kate Moss and still he would look at other women eg on pornsites, walking down the road, in a pub/club.
2. Men do not always go for women that are body perfect, some guys find these sort of women intimidating and are not as natural as a woman with curves.
3. Men look on these porn websites as titillation ( no pun intended) and as pure fantasy.
Does this mean you would not go with your bf to see a raunchy movie on telly,eg "Nine and a half weeks" just because it has naked woman in it.
Personally myself pornsites/movies are not my cup of tea.
Its full of faked boobed women and men with dicks the size of a donkey's dick. This cheapens the beautiful art of sex in my view. Like I said I would prefer to see a raunchy movie like "Nine and a half weeks" because it is a very erotic and beautifully artistic movie.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Actually, troubledtoomuch, I have a fulfilling career, a very supportive family, many wonderful friends who've been in my life for 10,15, 20 years, and an absolutely incredible boyfriend who is everything I could ask for and more and is relocating from a different country to be with me. So you know what you can do with your pity, cause it's not needed here!
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (7 June 2008):
We ALWAYS have a choice: lie or don't lie.
Being 'TRUTHFUL' or being 'HURTFUL?'
Should you tell the truth and nothing but the truth all the time?
In court , you will have to tell the whole truth and nothing
but the truth or you would be committing perjury which can land you 10 years in jail.
In your relationship with your friends,partners or spouse,
you cannot be truthful all the time or they will be hurt by your comments.
It is only your opinions as you see it and it may not be the universal truth.
Sometimes we have to tell a white lie and preserve the harmony in our relationships.
In any friendship, the line between speaking the truth and being unkind can be very fine.
We need to properly choose our words so as not to offend them.
Most of the time we speak without much thought.
We just speak what comes into our mind and later regretted it.
If what we want to say will hurt them,
then we should not speak it out.
Rather just keep it to ourselves.
Some may not agree and think that we ought to call a spade a spade.
This is undiplomatic and can hurt their feelings and
they may hate you for it or your relationship may suffer.
Be the devil or be an angel .
The kiss of truth is sometimes very bitter and unpalatable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): "Ugh. Don't buy into this "he had no other choice but to lie" garbage for one second. It's typical male tripe: blame the woman for the man's actions. Sickening, this attitude."
Some would say that they feel sorry for your partner. I, on the other hand, feel sorry for you. Your life must be very sad if this the way that you look at all parts of your relationships.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (7 June 2008):
I don't think men have a monopoly on lying.
At any rate, as far as I can see, this is an open and shut case. He's shown by his behaviour (fibbing and carrying on with his downloading of porn) that he won't change. You've shown that you are absolutely unable to accept any interest in porn on his part, that it hurts you, and that his lies only make it worse. You can either:
1. Accept, understand, come to terms with, or otherwise reach some kind of accommodation over his liking for porn (and to answer the question at the top of the thread, "No, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you").
2. Get out of the relationship.
Unless one or the other of you can change your thinking, there is only one option: Break up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): "That's because you've made it into such a huge issue that he has no other choice."
Ugh. Don't buy into this "he had no other choice but to lie" garbage for one second. It's typical male tripe: blame the woman for the man's actions. Sickening, this attitude. We ALWAYS have a choice: lie or don't lie. Just because telling the truth may be harder, doesn't mean it's not an option.
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female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Hi Hunny
Ive read all the answers and it took me a life time :) But it was worth it...Women and men are different..But not all scientific method seeks to explain the events of nature...Its impossible for every single person to be expected to act like a woman if she is one and man to act like a man because he is one there are exeptions to the rule in every aspects of life...This is about your hurt at his lying if he had told you the truth you would have known were you stood...You are beautiful your picture shows that you are very beautiful...His needs are his hunny he doesnt look at these images and thinks this is really going to wind her up..He does it and its over...Look at a jackie collins novel WOW! The imagination of a woman is so much higher that a mans that most women dont need visuals to excite them its all up there all ready..We can imagine just the fantasy we want and belive me its not making love in fromt of a home lit fire on a sheepskin rug being told that you are the love of there life...Oh no alot of women out there have fantasys that would include being in a movie...Not that you would ever do it but the imagination of a woman is that much stronger than a mans that not all of us need to look at porn to get off, But alot of men do they need that visual experience to get them started...Ive looked at porn with my b/f and if he wants he can go off and do it himself I really dont care whatever does it for him..Ive got my own fantasys tucked away in my head all the time...You need to realise that you are capable of this and it doesnt mean you dont love him it means your testing the waters of something good to be in your own space with your own thoughts...Some women actually think of other men while they are making love to there partner because some women get more easily bored Ive been told this more than once..Men are easy to please just show them your sexy underware and you've got them hooked so your in for a good night...Men need visuals were women use there minds...You just need your self esteem lifted so you can feel better about you..Enjoy being who you are and not let this get in the way of an otherwise good relationship.....
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/index.html
Now ive used this site so many times and i'll carry on doing so because it is fantastic use it hunny even just for 20 minutes a day belive me so many women Ive sent this to have got benifit from it in one way or another...And never feel threatened life is not worth it YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL AMAZING YOUNG WOMAN AND IF YOU WERE ON THE COVER OF A MAGAZINE YOU WOULD GET LOOKED AT BY THOUSANDS OF MEN!!!!!!So just keep thinking that, let him have his play time..You start to have yours hunny TAKE CARE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (6 June 2008):
There is so much on this thread that I missed something important:
"that last post was kind of confusing, should i confront him for lying about not doing it anymore? I am hurt he did it when he said he wouldn't. i want to know why he lied."
I don't know what was so difficult to understand about Troubledtoomuch's post. He said quite clearly:
"I don’t lie to my wife and she doesn’t lie to me. If either of us don’t like what the other does then we just talk about it and come to a compromise. We have no reason to lie."
He is suggesting that you come to a compromise about this pornography issue. He wasn't at all suggesting that you "confront him" for lying.
You have a one-track mind. That is the only reason I can think of that you can't understand what Troubledtoomuch was saying.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (6 June 2008):
No, Wizard of Waz wasn't being rude.
You've asked us for our advice, and we've given it. People are trying to encourage you to see the bigger picture about men's liking for pornography, including the covering-up aspect.
They are also trying to get you to see that you've got to decide. How important is this to you? Can you accept a relationship where 90% is OK (which is already pretty good)? Or is this one thing, the pornography thing, utterly unacceptable to you?
You come back with things like:
"does that mean he will lie about anything?"
"i just want him to respect my feelings is that so hard to do?"
"I just feel like he is crapping on my feelings when he continued to do it when he said he would stop. I cried and made it clear how it made me felt. doesnt that mean he doesnt really love me?"
"I dont hink its unreasonable for him to stop downloading porn, it cant be worht more to him than I am."
These questions have all been answered several times over. I don't think you've been reading anything that people have said.
* No, it doesn't mean he'll lie about anything. But he'll continue to lie about downloading porn. That's because you've made it into such a huge issue that he has no other choice.
* He is respecting your feelings by trying to avoid a confrontation about porn. YOU are the one who is so totally obsessing over this that it will be virtually impossible for you to stay in this relationship.
* It is unreasonable for you to expect him to stop downloading porn. I told you, don't make it a choice between you and porn. He wants you, but he likes porn too. You are trying to take him away from things that he likes. YOU are causing the problem with your completely inflexible attitude. What if he told you never to eat chocolate or sweets again, because he doesn't want you to gain weight? Would you consider that fair?
Just about everyone here is telling you to try and reach a compromise. Try to accept his liking for porn, or at least turn a blind eye to it. Try to get him to involve you in watching porn. Troubledtoomuch talked about the way he and his wife look at hot members of the other sex. They defused the whole issue of looking at hot men or hot women by making it into something that they SHARE. I don't know why you keep coming back with the same old questions like a cracked record. You are making this SINGLE ISSUE into something that will destroy the relationship.
You are leaving no way out. You have not tried in the least to understand why he may watch porn or may try to hide it from you. You have only one goal on your agenda: TO STOP HIM WATCHING PORN. There is no room for compromise in your heart, so it's a deal-breaker. Sorry, it's not going to work.
Crying in the shower and all that is a really bad sign. I can only suggest that you leave him. There ARE guys out there who don't watch porn. I suggest you go and find one. This relationship is doomed. Get out of it now.
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A
female
reader, Heidi328 +, writes (6 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWizard of Waz, that response was rather rude. Anyways, I thank everyone for their input and responses to my dilemma. You have all, well, most of you, :) have been very helpful and nice.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Yo.
At last.
Brave man, Waz. I applaud you.
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A
female
reader, Heidi328 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is not a bad guy. I guess im just torn between if this is really a big deal to our relationship or not. I would nevr lie to him. I asked him last week if i could trust him with everything? and he nodded yes. but then he downloaded porn again. does that mean he will lie about anything?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): It's kinda easy to figure out, really.HE LEID BECAUSE HE WAS SCARED OF YOUR REACTION, OF DISSAPOINTING YOU, LOSING YOU, OR MAKING YOU WORRY ABOUT SOMETHING THAT ISN'T VERY MEANINGFUL TO HIM!Actually, that one last point... I can relate to that because I have lied about stuff that I find meaningless, but that I know my boyfriend will blow up totally out of proportion. My logic says "Why tell him this, if he'll react in this and that manner, and it will put unnecessary stress and create a hurtful an pointless argument?". I admit that lying isn't good, under no circumstance, and that maybe this attitude is kinda selfish actually. But can you truly ever give up entirely for someone else? I don't believe love is about giving up everything for the other. Would you give up shopping if your partner asked you to? It all boils down to the same thing: love is about commitment to each other, it's about giving and recieving, it's about making sacrifices for one another and so on.Yes, he should make sacrifices for you. But you should also do them for him. I'm a very insecure woman, and I don't like my partner looking at "perfect" girls, but what can I do? Can I stop him from looking? Will I gouge his eyes to prevent him from doing it? It worries me a lot more that he finds someone who's more confident, actually. So I've been working on my confidence. Come on! At least you're gorgeous, I'm average looking. Look, you're pretty and most likely have a long list of qualities that make your boyfriend love you like he has never loved before! You're the one and only in his heart. Lying doesn't mean you don't love someone. Did you ever lie to your parents? Did you love them any less because of it? Actually, did you ever wish your parents were cool like the cool parents in a movie? Did you love them any less for not being your "fantasy" parents? It's the same. Fantasy is fantasy. About cars, jobs, houses, family, etc. My fantasy is to live on my own in a fab apartment with lots of money and nothing to worry about, while being gorgeous. Of course that won't happen! In life I'll need to work, and the more money I have, the more financial worries I'll have and so on... plus living in a fantasy world would eventually be boring.Well, the point is that fantasy will never live up to reality. In an earlier post you said those women don't cook for him, do his laundry, etc... well they don't love him, and he DOESN'T LOVE THEM!!! He loves you and it's important that you get that!Now, giving up porn is hard because for most guys it is a habit. Guys have sexual urges, whether we like it or not. And they have sexual urges whether they're single or in a relationship. Frankly, I think porn is really healthy when used in moderation. It gives them their release. We all need it. I know I masturbate regularly. Why wouldn't I? My solo time is mine. His solo time is his. Your solo time is yours. We all have a right to enjoy it. Look, if he looks at porn, he's probably not wishing you look like one of those girls. Yes they have big boobs, but, have you seen their faces? OMG they're so ugly! Most of them anyway... look at yourself in the mirror for a while. You have a GORGEOUS face. I'm sure you have a great physique too. I once asked my boyfriend if he'd like me to look like one of those girls, or if he'd rather have one of those. He said it'd probably be fun for a while, but that it wouldn't be fulfilling. He told me that sexiness is sutil sometimes, and that "good girls" can be so much of a turn on. Plus he said it'd be hard to be loving to someone who looks so... ummm... slutty. He said they'd never give him the love and affection that I can, they wouldn't have so much in common with him, and there just would be something missing.Look, really, if you have an overall good relationship, make the effort to let this one go. Ask him to compromise to hide it better, out of sight, out of mind. I know my bf looks at porn sometimes, but I don't know when, what, where, who, etc. I find it that it's easier to just know he does it, but not know the details. That way you have nothing to obssess over. Make the effort. If he's a truly nice, great guy WHO WANTS TO MARRY you, well, that's a hard one to find. It's even harder to find someone that good who also doesn't watch porn . I think I read it in an earlier post by another aunt or uncle, you may find someone who doesn't look at porn, but will he measure up in other areas? Think about it, you have a lot to lose if you let this get to you. It's porn. I wish my relationship problems were that insignificant as some jpgs or mpgs...Take Care...x. LR .x
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female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Why he lied, please read:
NikitaDisraeli, Emivia, StudentOfLife, WizardOfWaz,
troubledtoomuch..... and many others.
Ask him why he lied but I think many people hit the nail on the head.
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female
reader, Heidi328 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthat last post was kind of confusing, should i confront him for lying about not doing it anymore? I am hurt he did it when he said he wouldn't. i want to know why he lied.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): I agree that being dishonest is a major problem. He should not lie to you. I don’t lie to my wife and she doesn’t lie to me. If either of us don’t like what the other does then we just talk about it and come to a compromise. We have no reason to lie.
I am going to assume that his lying is the major problem with this relationship. If so, then I will also assume that you would feel better if he just told you the truth about the porn. Somehow I don’t think that is the case. I won’t defend his lying. It is wrong. He should just have the courage to tell you the truth about what he is doing. It is early in this relationship and if the 2 of you don’t solve this problem then the relationship is doomed. Maybe not right away, but the 2 of you will drift farther and farther apart as much more significant problems arise over the years, and they will arise. Constant lies will bring almost any relationship to an end or at least unhappiness.
You asked what I meant by my previous post: “So he just shook his head and didn't say anything. Yes, I think he got the picture. Unfortunately, I don't think it is the picture that you hope or think he got. Just my opinion and I hope that I am wrong for your sake.”
I think that the picture that he got is one of disbelief and frustration. That’s what the shaking head meant. He just can’t believe that you can be so upset by his actions. How would you like it if he hated you wearing makeup and threw all of your makeup in the trash? I just read this to my wife and she said, “Yeah, it’s the same thing.” I’m sure that many people will not agree with what my wife and I think. Perhaps we are married to each other because we are alike in many ways, but that is not the case in all of our behaviors. We have learned to compromise. Couples who don’t learn to compromise will either have a very unhappy marriage or will divorce at some point. People who don’t try to improve upon their faults will also fail in their relationships. Like I said in an earlier post on this question, we both lacked confidence and we both worked hard to build our confidence. It is what made the most difference in our abilities to have a successful marriage. If Heidi does not work to build her confidence then I doubt that any man will be perfect enough for her.
An example of confidence building in our relationship: Earlier in our relationship (long before we got married or lived together) both of us would get somewhat bothered if the other looked at a hot member of the opposite sex. We never tried to get the other to stop though. For the past 20 plus years this has not been the case. Like you, my wife is very good looking, but I still like to look at other women. Now, if I don’t see some hot woman when we are out shopping, my wife points her out to me. One time she even called me on the cell phone and said, “You should see the babe in aisle 7.” Like I said, she is very good looking and she knows that I think that. A lot of times guys look at her, especially when she dresses for me (ie. tight top and tight jeans). I find that very flattering, as does she and I have no problem if she tells me that a certain guy is hot. I tell her about my dreams and fantasies and she tells me about hers. I actually wish that she would fantasize more. I’m talking about sexual fantasies with others. What would you do if you found out that your boyfriend sometimes had a fantasy about being with some other woman. I hope you can accept that, because I can pretty much guarantee that he has occasional or perhaps even frequent fantasies. Any guy, or woman for that matter, has sexual fantasies unless their hormones are screwed up. My wife has and another woman who I dated long ago did also. They both had the same one and both told me about their fantasies.
He has a problem in that he has lied to you. You have a problem with self-esteem and confidence. If the 2 of you cannot correct both of your problems then I don’t see much future together. If you cannot talk about problems and compromise then it is doomed to either failure or unhappiness. Without communication and the ability to compromise, any relationship is not going to be a good one. A person who cannot build their self-esteem and be able to accept that men and women like to look at and think about someone of the opposite sex in addition to their partners is never going to be happy. If the problem is not sexual then they will just find something else to be unhappy about. A lot of people have low confidence. Those that succeed in a relationship work very hard to correct that as much as possible.
Some have told you to leave him and find someone who will respect your wishes. I have to say that I agree with them completely. Make sure that he is a total wimp however, because I think you will need that type of man for your demands that come up in the future. This current demand of yours is reasonable in the eyes of many people, but I’m sure that you will be able to think of many more that may not be. I’m very sorry for the bluntness, but you don’t seem to want to listen when many of us are trying to be considerate of your feelings.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Yes stand up for yourself, any woman worth her salt should win this argumnent. Remind him you ain't like the others.
Good luck
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female
reader, Heidi328 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes,he did tell me he never met anybody that had things like this bother him and he found it baffling I guess. So i think i should talk to him about it one more time and see what he says. I dont want him lying to me. I dont hink its unreasonable for him to stop downloading porn, it cant be worht more to him than I am. I am not trying to be his mother, but maybe i should stand up for myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Laura1318, I like your bridge idea. They're both on different sides of the bridge and somebody's got to move first.
Hedi, I'm sorry this tortures you so much. We've tried to provide reassurance that it's nothing to do with how beautiful you are, he dosen't even realise how upset you are. His last girlfriend didn't mind, he's probably never met somebody with strong views such as yours. Maybe you should tell him again how sick the whole thing is making you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Haley, no problem with the spelling, I liked what you wrote just fine. Glad that it worked out for you. That's what I call a sensible compromise.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Even if you have the most perfect boobs,
he would still want to look at other boobs.
He is simply attracted to the many varieties of boobs.
You cannot ask a man not to look at another boob...LOL!
His eyes are made for looking.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Even married people were once strangers.
Therefore, without patience and the effort to understand one
another, things are likely not to go well.
We need patience in order to become happy.
There are many who dream about experiencing happiness without the patience.
But that is a dream. And a dream is just that--a dream, a fairy tale.
It is to wish for a childish, easy life.
This illusion breaks up many marriages.
The pursuit of such happiness can only make one miserable.
It is important to make the effort to calmly construct something together.
From there, real love develops.
Real marriage is when you have been married for twenty-five
years and feel an even deeper love than you did when you first met.
Love deepens. Love that does not is merely on the level of simple likes and dislikes.
From;-
http://www.ikedaquotes.org/contents/quotes/love_m.html
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 June 2008):
In any relationship , there ought to have trust and respect.
Thus if you want your relationship to be healthy and strong,
you will need to set your limits and boundaries.
Tell him your limits and boundaries and if he breaks them ,
then put your foot down .
A man will respect you more when you become more affirmative and stand up to him.
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female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (5 June 2008):
I think you have had many answers on whether or not he loves you. Yes, he said he would stop but he didn't. He should know how much this bothers you but he is still looking. Love is not black and white, there are many many shades of grey. It "should" not be conditional.
But there are conditions on love and we call these "deal breakers." Cheating is a major deal breaker for many. But looking at porn is not cheating, but is it a deal breaker? Re-read all of these posts. Give yourself a few days or a few weeks to figure out if you will either handle this your own way or leave him.
I can not stress this enough. I sincerely hope that whatever you decide, you will be happy in the end.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 June 2008):
You have a right to feel that way .
If he really loves you , he should give up porn to make you happy and satisfied.
That is what love is all about.
This won't sink into his head until you threatened to leave
him or you compromise on some middle ground.
Then he would realize the full impact or effects of his porn watching on you.
Unfortunately in your case,his love for porn is stronger or the same as his love for you.
That is why , he has a problem letting go .
It is not that he does not love you .
He does but he cannot understand like your female mind or see from a female perspective.
That is the crux of this problem.
He is a man and he cannot think like a female .
To him , it is just harmless , enjoyable and nothing more.
But you see it as a threat to your relationship.
That is the divide which you need to bridge.
Either he comes over to your side or you meet him half way
on the bridge to solve this problem.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Let's all blame Bill Gates, shall we?
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A
female
reader, Heidi328 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just feel like he is crapping on my feelings when he continued to do it when he said he would stop. I cried and made it clear how it made me felt. doesnt that mean he doesnt really love me?
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 June 2008):
I am happy to hear that you are not trying to control him
but sometimes the other side's perceptive may not share the same views.
Two people can view the same incident but have different views and perspectives.
Some men may resent your intrusions into their men's world.
You got a peeked into his male world and I am sure,
you do not agree with what you saw.
You need to understand that the male world is different from the female world.
It is gross for most females.
They may not tell you their feelings.
Generally with exceptions,most men do watch porn at one time or another in their life.
Some sparingly , some regularly and some are addicted to it.
No men would tell you the truth about watching porn because
the men do not want to let others , especially women to know
as they know what women will think of them.
Porn is addictive, once you watch , you feel like wanting to
watch it everyday or until you have seen all and tired of it.
Whether he jacks off or not depends on his status.
If he is single , he probably does .
If he is married , he would save it for her .
If he does not , it is because he finds it a chore
or not satisfied with his partner or it was not enjoyable with her or whatever reasons.
As to his downloading infront of you ,
he thought that you have accepted and understood him and he
is not hiding behind your back but doing it openly.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Honey you are getting this way out of proportion. Guys look at porn, because women are beautiful to look at. The sex thing is just a bonus, but like I said before, I bet he cant even remember what the porn girl looked like when he turns the computer off. Where-as your lovely face will be imprinted on his brain.
I must admit I did laugh when you said you had looked at male porn star's to see what they did for you. Is'nt it strange that most women dont find them at all sexy. Still it could have something to do with the fact that most men look like they have the last chicken in Sainsbury's hanging there. LOL.
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female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Okay I have DD breasts, brown hair, blue eyes. You know what my boyfriend is into right now???
Asians! Japanese, Chinese, Tai chics!
I am american, I dont have exotic features like these women but am not offended!
Its more fantasy, TRUST ME. My boyfriend likes to look at all different flavors and right now its ASIANS but he WANTS ME and loves me.
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female
reader, Heidi328 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really really wish I could get it in myhead that he's not wanting these women but i think thats why guys do it, they wish their gf's looked like them. I saw some "big titty" girls and huge boobs videos. I asked him is that what what you want? am i not enough? i have size b boobs, now i feel like its not enough. He told me before he liked my boobs the way they were so why is he looking at big boobs? its so frustrating. everyone has been so supportive and i really appreciate the advice, i just want him to respect my feelings is that so hard to do?
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female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (5 June 2008):
From what I can understand, and I am not a guy so I could be wrong....
Having sex with you would require effort where looking at some porn, you just sit there and stare. Not all guys jack off to it. Some just like to browse around.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Hi my name is Hayley .first sorry for my speling i have dislexia.Lisen my boyfrend was the same.most men do look at porn,i didnot,but i found the same as you videos, cam,dounloads,everything.and i akst him,he sean in my face that he dident,even if i sead i have sean it on his computer he still denide it.he did this 3 to 4 times ,liying that is.so i sead to him are you inbarest about it.he sead yes,so i sead to him well together we can chose a video to dounload,and watch it together.remember i didnot look at porn beafor,but watching it with him in the beadroom.it was fun and it livend things up with are relashonship.we have bean together 5 years.and knew he dosent even look at porn.men look at porn and denay it to there geirlfrend becouse its a littel bad secret and there inbarest,its like when mothers say to there child,dont do that,and the child dose it.all you have to do is try this look at it with him and tell him you dont mined aslong as he dose it with you.just say there is no nead to be inbarest and inshore him that you dont whant him to look at it on his own,becouse its a sexual thing and you wood like to enjoy it together.contact me if you are unshore.you are not the onley one .so if i can help you i will,i have bean there,and onley had my mother and father to talk to.ok regards Hayley
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female
reader, Heidi328 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim not trying to control him. i asked him when we first started dating if he looked at porn and he said no. then i found out he did, not a lot, but at least weekly i see stuff downloaded on the comp. i live here, i dont know when he jacks off to it or if thats what its for. he said he used to watch it with his ex when i asked had confronted him with it. were together most of the time cept the couple hours before i get home cuz he gets off work earlier. maybe he watches them then. Yesterday he checked for it to see if was done downloading. why?? I was there!! why didnt he do it with me instead of checking to see if webcams #9 was done! maybe its more important to him than i thought.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Women and men are wired differently.
Your hormones are not the same.
Each of us have our own private thoughts and privacy even in a marriage or relationship.
We should allow them some privacy in their life and not control 100% of them.
Would you want him to control 100% of everything you do?
How you dress, what you do and what you think?
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female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Well, hey, I have to say...at least you tried!
But I dont think you are going to get off on looking at naked men. Think of it this way. If he looks at your naked body, he probably gets an instant erection. Or least many men do. But you need a little more than looking, right? So thats the difference, you might not get instantly hot by simply looking at someone but if its your boyfriend and he is telling you he loves you...then you can get in the mood.
Guys are simple. All they need is a visual.
They have emotions too but it isnt as intertwined in their sex drive.
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female
reader, Heidi328 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni even tried to going on sites of naked men so i could see if i get off on it and become aroused so i could maybe have a beter understanding of why he does it. I tried to tell myself that hey i can have fun too and its not a big deal. but it was disgusting and i just felt even worse than before. I cried and it did no good.
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female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Whether or not you are going to accept this is up to you.
However, I do think that you have every right to not want it in your face. If it were me, I would have deleted it too. It's not worth my time to make sure the sexy file is downloaded, no way. I hope that he really can understand that you are hurt by this and it disturbs you. The least he can do is not put it in your face unless you want to see it yourself.
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female
reader, Heidi328 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhat do you mean? that he will probably just do it more? should i write him a letter about this? he actually asked me if anything was wrong yesterday and kept waiting for me to say something but he was laughing about it like ok, what did i do today? cuz im off on wednesdays and thats when i found his porn, on a wednesday and called him crying about it telling him how it hurt me. I was like why did you do something? and he said "i didnt do anything." and the nigh went on good, i know he knows i wanted to say something but i shrugged it off somehow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): So he just shook his head and didn't say anything. Yes, I think he got the picture. Unfortunately, I don't think it is the picture that you hope or think he got. Just my opinion and I hope that I am wrong for your sake.
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female
reader, Heidi328 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe night went on and we had fun, yet i felt uncomfortable. We had sex that night and it was great. thats why i dont understand why he needs the porn! these women dont love him like i do, hey dont cook for him, do his laundry or take care of him, I do. So why do they have a sexual right to his affections? I dont want to leave him, i just want him to understand how much it hurts me. I think it can be a threat to our relationship if he needs more than me.I actually cried the whole time i took a shower last night but quickly recovered when i got out so he wouldnt get upset.
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female
reader, Heidi328 +, writes (5 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionold fool, thank you for the compliments, ive slept on this issue, actually i got a lil drunk last night. We watched the hockey game together and then played poker online together, he was teaching me. We had a great time, but I felt like bringing up the issue the whole night. I saw him check his torrent thing to see if his porn downloads were complete, i suspect, and they werent there cuz i erased them that morning and i saw him shake his head. he didnt say a thing or change his attitude towards me so I didnt say anything either. You think he got the picture?
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 June 2008):
I said most men (not all) like to look at porn.
DiovanLestat.
Those men who don't watch porn are the dead, the unborn, the
hypocrites, those blind, those self righteous and holier
than thou types, those wolves in sheep's clothings, those
who live in remotest part of the jungles in some very
secluded part of this world and those men whom women loved
them who see them as perfect creatures until they really see
with their eyes instead of with their hearts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Yes Tellulah,
If that picture is real, she's a real stunner. I can see why he stays around, those porn girls can't even begin to compete.
Anyway Hedi, I think it would be great to show him this post, he'll know how badly you feel about the whole thing, and he'll see that some people agree with you, some people agree with him. It'll start that honest discussion that you wanted. But remember, as you've seen, there are a lot of views over this issue and it brings up a lot of passion, so keep it positive, no name calling, no fights.
Sorry Miss female reader, anonymous if I've offended you in anway, there's a lot of misunderstanding between us, and we must simply agree to disagree. One thing I know is that we both want the best for Hedi, therefore I thank you for your advice and your alternative opinion on the whole subject.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): This is an internet forum, porn is everywhere on the internet, with a thread about porn, it is likely that a lot of people who like this site are on the internet ALOT and there probably is a large sample of people that use this site that also love porn, think it is characteristically a male thing as if it is in their DNA to watch porn while in a relationship with a significant woman.
These types will tell you that there does not exist a man who doesn't watch porn or behaves just like your boyfriend does and views it often on the internet.
I am here to tell you that the statements made, good luck finding a man who doesn't watch porn, you will have the same issues in your next relationship....don't know what they are talking about.
Not every man out there is addicted to porn, many are, many have looked at it in their pasts, but when they find a girlfriend they usually stop, it is disrespectful not to....there are many many men who would show their love and respect for you in this way, and care about how you view them as well.....So don't let fear of not finding another man that understands where you are coming from on the porn issue and actually cares stop you from making your decision to be true to yourself. When choosing a mate, first ask what it is that you want, what three things are your non negotiables, and then don't ever date a man that has any of those qualities. If he meets 80% of all the rest then he is a great guy for you, as no one is going to be your 100% ideal. You owe it to yourself to think hard about the list of qualities you look for, what is it that makes you feel happy instead of sad, insecure and unloved? No one needs to compromise on the things that they need from a relationship, it won't work, plain and simple....it is really not as complicated as all the psuedo psychologists are spinning here.
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (5 June 2008):
I really dont understand all the fuss. I bet when this young lady's B/F looks at porn then turns off his computer he couldnt even remember what the porn star looked like.
I know its hard to understand why guys love porn, but they just do. Why is it also! The younger girls that have so much of a problem with it. They are normally pretty, and uasually have great figures, and yet they have all these hang ups.
I understand your morals, really I do. But you are throwing away a really nice guy, because you cant handle your own insecurities. Like one of the Aunts said " Finish with this guy, find a new one that doesnt look at porn". Good luck Honey, I dont believe he exists either.
It would be better if you could come to terms with the fact that you are the real turn on in his life, and anything that he wants to watch, is just what guys do. It has no reflection on you.
You are stunning!!! Its about time you believed it.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 June 2008):
For those women who cannot come to terms with the men's
viewing of porn,
I suggest they dump their imperfect partners and look for a puritanical males or don't marry .
Good luck to them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Actually, yes, I would rather my boyfriend look (I never said anything about staring)at random, fully clothed, everyday women on the street than random, naked, unrealistic women having sex (by the way, there was an alteration in my post by the moderator that probably made it difficult to understand what I meant- I had used a graphic word).I think any personal fantasy of the imagination is far more appealing than a (usually very graphic, mind-etching) image already made up for you. I can definitely say from my experience with porn that I remember IT more than a random hot guy on the street I saw one day. By the way, the people having sex in porn are just as 'real' as people walking in the street every day, but this is all beside the point.I did not advise her to do anything one way or the other, and yes, I agree, she may not necessarily find the love and reassurance she needs, I simply don't know and neither does anyone else.It seems to me that Heidi is pretty unsure of what she really feels and believes, and also lacks security and confidence in the relationship- I do agree with many of your points alluding to that. I believe though, that in order to give your best and be the best you can be for someone else, you have to be somewhat satisfied, nourished, and confident with yourself. It seems that either way, perhaps Heidi would need to take time out to figure these things out about herself. Maybe she will realise that porn is not something she can tolerate, maybe she'll figure out it is. But if you are unsure of your beliefs, and whether or not they match with your significant other's, than you are basically building a house on sand- which sort of seems to be the case.Anyway, I just hope that she can take in what everyone has said, and form her own opinion; the only one that really matters.[moderator note: the last post was untouched by the moderator, it was put through as is, along with this one]
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female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (5 June 2008):
I agree, once again with DiovanLestat. Heidi has mentioned a lot more about her relationship and her insecurities and her constant questioning if he will leave her. She even mentioned where this all comes from which some people here thought it was unimportant.
We each have our own perspective on things. When looking at the same painting, we do not see exactly the same thing. So can you say that this is her core belief and morals talking or is it her insecurity? Read these posts thoroughly before making any more assumptions.
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reader, oldfool +, writes (5 June 2008):
First, Heidi328, although your photo is kind of small, wow, you're a looker!
Now with that out of the road, I think you've got to sit down and consider your relationship with him. And the big question is: IS HIS LOOKING AT PORN (AND LYING ABOUT IT TO AVOID A SCENE) A DEAL-BREAKER?
1. Arguments for breaking up with him
* You have strong feelings about this and you simply can't abide men watching porn. You can't understand men watching porn.
* You feel that porn is disrespectful to you.
* You feel that porn demeans you and makes you feel less desirable.
* You can't stand the fact that he lied.
These are the feelings that prompted to come here in the first place.
2. Arguments for letting it slide
As people have explained:
* It's a guy thing. Most guys look at porn. They like to see this sexy stuff. It's a turn-on. It adds variety. It stokes the fires. Sometimes they'll even jerk off to this stuff.
* It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean he doesn't desire you. It doesn't mean he wants those women in the videos more than he wants you. It just means that he gets off on it.
* Some guys lie about it because, well, they may be kind of ashamed of admitting that they watch porn, and they want to avoid a scene.
* If their girlfriend makes a massive issue of it, they may try to give it up. But it's not that easy. There is always temptation. "I'll just a quick look while she's not around". Or a visit to a mate's place where porn is around can cause him to break his promise. Especially if he actually likes porn and can't see why you're so insistent on his giving it up.
I know porn's not something to be proud of, but many men genuinely like it. If you asked him "in the name of love" to give up his favourite hobbies because it was taking away time that he could spend with you, would you regard it as reasonable?
In the end it is your choice.
Either you accept that your guy likes porn and stay with him.
Or you decide that you simply can't accept it and break up with him.
If you truly and honestly cannot accept your man watching porn under any circumstances, you have no choice. You have to break up. Whatever you do, don't try to force him to give it up. Don't make it into a choice between you and porn. "Either that goes or I go". You'll only come to grief later. At some time in some form, he'll probably break his promise, and you'll regard this as a massive betrayal, a much bigger betrayal than it ever would have been if you'd just accepted his little vice.
But don't forget DiovanLestat's warning: You're quite likely to come up against the same thing in your next relationship. And your relationship after that. And the one after that. Until somewhere down the track you find your guy who doesn't watch porn at all. Whether he'll be better than your current boyfriend (except in the porn-watching department) is a moot question.
If, on the other hand, you want to keep him, you have to get your head around the fact that his interest in porn is not a threat to your sexuality, your attractiveness in his eyes, or your relationship. This is the truth that people have been trying to tell you, but whether you can accept this in your heart is up to you.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Dear Miss female reader, anonymous,
Of course it's better to leave an unhappy relationship in search of something that might suit you better.
But in this situation Hedi has explained that she feels insecure over several issues not just her boyfriends porn usage. He constantly reassures her that she is beautiful and "hot" and they have an active and enjoyable sex life. He's happy with her, loves her and wants to marry her. She herself admits that she worries to much about him leaving her for somebody else. Because of her parents divorce she is "very sensitive and get offended easily" in her own words. She also admits to being very needy and insecure. This more than the porn is her real problem.
Her wish to be his "ultimate sexual fantasy" seems imature to me, and a little bit to possesive, but this is how she feels. I worry that her demands for reassurance, her possessiveness over what he should be interested in will drive him away. If I was her guy I would find all this very exhausting.
Your advice for her to leave and find somebody else would not necessary bring her the love and reassurance she needs. This guy lied and said he never looked at porn, the next might do the same, but will the next guy love and support her in the same way.
I find a part of your statement very strange, you say you prefer men to look at women in the street rather than women in video's and magazines. This would drive me nuts. One is reality, the other is fantasy. I would be concerned if her boyfriend was staring at real women rather than these airbrushed images.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): The moderator took out a word I used. It should read '(usually unrealistic-looking women) having sex'.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Troubledtoomuch: You're right, I don't think he should have to change either, but I do believe that it would be the lesser of the two sacrifices to give up porn as opposed to compromising a belief. Mostly, as I said before, I think that when two people just can't see eye to eye on moral issues and principles, especially when it's about ones opinions on respect and love, they probably should not be together. There is a difference between looking at a woman on the street and looking at people (usually unrealistic- looking women). It's pretty apparant to me which one seems and feels more disrespectful. It's all about personal boundaries, no one elses. It's wonderful that you and your wife have come to the conclusions and agreements that you have, my guess is that it's because you have some similar outlooks on what respect is in your relationship. I think that's great, but that's your relationship and it's exclusive to you two.Diovan: Is it better to leave a relationship wherein you're feeling disrespected in hopes of something better or is better to stay in it in hopes that the other person will 'get' better for you? Even the anticipation of something else/more suitable to your personal integrity is better than attempting to change someone who isn't. There are few certainties in life, but there's just as much chance that her next experience is a good one, especially if the young woman has a better idea of what she wants and needs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Read my post carefully, dear miss female reader, anonymous. I said most men (not all) like to look at porn. This one said he would give up porn, but he couldn't. Maybe the next one can, maybe he can't. Personally I don't think it's worth the risk if he supports her in every other way.
The question I would ask Miss female reader, anonymous, is what if she leaves him and finds herself in the same situation with a new partner.
I know Hedi has a big issue with porn, and I know it offends her deeply on many levels. If she can't stand it then of course she must give up the relationship, but this is no guarantee that it wont happen again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Quote from the anon female: " I do however completely agree that people should not have to change who they are in the name of love. Which is exactly why I think this woman shouldn't give in to something she doesn't believe in."
OK, so I assume that you also think that he shouldn't have to change. If not, then I see some hypocrisy here.
The big problem is self esteem. If she leaves him and finds another boyfriend and that guy ever once looks at another women while they are shopping, then you can bet that she will be back on this board asking the same question, except it will be about her current bf looking at another woman and not loving her.
My wife looks at other men. I look at other women. We both used to have confidence problems, but we recognized the problem and worked on our problem and not on trying to change the other person. That is what she needs to do or she will never be happy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): I agree with some of what Star just said, but Heidi has already said that it's a big deal to her, which means it wouldn't be overlooking a 'small thing'. It really is dependant on the quality of the relationship as a whole I think, weighing out the good and the bad, and deciding whether it's worth salvaging, or not- if you do not see eye to eye on the fundamentals (perhaps having very different ideas of what love and respect are).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): In response to Diovan. What about saying 'I'm so sorry that porn means more to HIM than the relationship?'? This girl is feeling seriously hurt and disrespected, no ones point of view or opinion is going to change those feelings and conflicting values. If one half of the relationship is feeling disrespected, unloved, unattractive, etc. etc...for ANY reason than there is serious cause for concern. This woman should not have to validate anything, the mere fact that she has felt what she has and raised her concerns shows that she has a problem with it, and that is reason enough for her boyfriend to re-assess his porn use. NOT ALL MEN LIKE TO LOOK AT PORN- there, there's my capitalization for this post. Everything you say makes a lot of sense on the surface, but not beyond that I think. I do however completely agree that people should not have to change who they are in the name of love. Which is exactly why I think this woman shouldn't give in to something she doesn't believe in. I think the bigger change/sacrifice would be on her part if she accepted something that conflicts with her beliefs, as opposed to her boyfriend refraining (or at least making a serious effort) from wanking off to porn. Don't know, maybe it's just me, but I think it's pretty clear that one of those is more important in the long run.
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female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (5 June 2008):
I agree, look over DiovanLestat's post. And I believe that love is a feeling and a "choice we make." It's just some of us "choose" to overlook very small things to see the greater picture. We all do it naturally while we are infatuated, why not make a conscious decision when we love someone?
If you constantly search for flaws in people, you will never see the good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): Star, I totally agree with you on the off limits rules, even if they are completely fake.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): Heidi, read and reread DiovanLestat's first post. I only wish that I could have said it so well. She made a tremendous amount of sense in that answer and I believe that she is so correct. OK, perhaps the contact with your mother thing was a bit too much, but you get the idea of what she was saying.
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female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Troubledtoomuch: Thank you for answering that!
I personally have told my boyfriend that I have a few rules if he looks at porn: no kids and no torture/rape. That can cause serious damage to the viewer. Well, enough to scare me! So, yes even if they are not really underage, being portrayed as a 12 year old is bad as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): Personally Hedi, I would say develop self esteem and sort out your past issues and then this thing won't bother you so much. It's not a question of love, it's a matter of do we have the right to control what people look at. Your going to destroy your relationship if you continue making such a big issue of this thing, and you won't be able to be sure that the next guy won't lie about the same thing.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2008):
 I don't know him. You know him better.
But if you've found the porn on the computer, why shouldn't he find your concern about it on the same machine?
Again, I don't know him, but it may help him understand what you've been going through.
It boils down to communication for me. If you can't find a way to talk with him about this, express your feelings and listen to his side of it, what's the point?
I cannot tell you what you should do. You sound very hurt and upset and vulnerable right now, and I don't want you to do anything that you haven't thought through all the way.
Can you sleep on it overnight and give yourself some time to think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): Star 07. There are movies where women in their 20s dress up to look like younger teens. I personally think that they are disgusting, but they are legal. I do believe that they might trigger abuse of underage women and should be outlawed, but I don't know how that could be enforced. It is unlikely that he is actually viewing real underage porn.
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female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Please do not compare yourself to the ones he is looking at. It has nothing to do with you!
You could be the most gorgeous, big boobed princess and he would probably look at porn!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): I'm so sorry that porn means more to you than your relationship. It's something that most (not all) but most men do. MEN LIKE TO LOOK AT PORN. It's got nothing to do with prefering those women to you. He lies because he knows you will get upset. If you want to make sure he never looks again you will need to get a detective to watch him 24hours a day. He will look at porn at work, or he will look at porn with a friend. He will hide and sneak to satisfy his natural male need for sexual imagery.
Leave him if you must, but I promise your next guy will probably do the same thing. As I've said, most men (not all) like porn. I've never known one that could look away. You can scream and shout and demand he stop, you can cry and beat yourself up. You can pluck out his eyes and cut of his hand, this probably is the only thing you can do to stop him.
You could however realise that you have no right to demand this man change his ways for you. You have your interests, does he demand that you give them up. Love shouldn't demand such sacrifices, he must be wondering how much you love him, if you can give up a relationship over such a small unimportant thing. A relationship should be a two way thing. Why don't you offer to give up something that means a lot to you, like maybe contact with your mother. That would be a fair exchange.
I wish you luck, and hope that your next partner really means it when he say's he can give up porn. But I fear that you will be in this same situation, over and over again. It's just pictures, he dosen't see it as real. It's you he loves, it's you he's with, it's you he makes sex to. He dosen't think about them when he's with you. Think of it as looking at a rainbow, there so beautiful, who could resist looking, but they're empheral, they're not real....
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reader, Heidi328 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondo you really think if i bookmarked it he would get the point? i dont want to make this worse.
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reader, Star_07 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Oh, and what do you mean by teens? Under the age of 18?
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reader, Star_07 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Oh, and what do you mean by teens? Under the age of 18?
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reader, Heidi328 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess i just feel unloved now. I almost wish i were prettier or had bigger boobs so he wouldnt want to look at those videos. doesnt it mean im not enough to him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): Love is a conscious decision to be worthy of love, to put someone elses needs above our own most of the time....it isn't a feeling, those are fleeting and are subject to our moods, passions, and frailities. Love is a choice we make. He isn't choosing to behave as a loving boyfriend, he isn't mature enough most likely to get it....he doesn't see how his actions have everything to do with telling you how he truly feels about the topic of love and how he is self serving and selfish.
It is your decision to stay and put up with him, but don't expect him to change for you.
Love relationships are successful based on a solid foundation of friendship first and how well both partner's needs are being met by the relationship. This doesn't seem to be working for you, and there is no sin in accepting this fact and choosing to remain true to yourself. After all, you can't pretend it doesn't bother you and you are not weak or insecure to feel this way, it goes against your core values and your idea of love, and you don't need to change that for anyone. You just need to find a better man for you.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2008):
I'm so sorry that you are so hurt and confused by this.
I have no idea if this will help him understand what you're going through, but why don't you bookmark this page on your computer and show it to him, so he can see what you've been experiencing?
I go back to the original post you made; you've known him 8 months and have lived with him for 2 months. This is a very very young relationship by most standards and you are still getting to know one another. There are going to be lots of revelations even in long term relationships, as Troubledtoomuch just experienced and shared with us. The thing is to have enough courage to try to work through them WITH the partner.
So please don't give up on this yet. What do you have to lose by sharing this with him?
I'm so sorry for your distress. Be brave, try to be calm, and show him what your concerns are.
Good luck.
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reader, Star_07 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Rhythmandblues2-the issue of abandonment has nothing to do with her issue of porn but it has EVERYTHING to do with their arguments-so she says.
Yes, this is up to you. If you feel deeply that this is not right and is against your core beliefs, then you could just pick up your things and walk out on this guy.
I, on the other hand, am against porn just as much or MORE than a lot of women on here. I have read plenty of REAL research on it's effects, and I don't just mean some google crap.
Point is, sometimes its not that the guy is disrepecting you or trying to hurt you, and especially CHOOSING porn over you. Its not a pass/fail thing here. Relationships are complicated and it requires effort on both parts.
Decide what is right for you like troubledtoomuch said. Our opinions dont matter and we all have a right to our opinions.
Judging from the amount of feedback you have recieved on this question, I hope you can figure out where to go from here!
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reader, Heidi328 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am very confused now. I am very hurt by his need to look at other women, teens in sexual acts. I dont want to make it a big deal but it is to me. I guess i have my answer: He doesnt respect my feelings or values, I am not enough for him and he probably doesnt love me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): Your issues with abandonment in your childhood have nothing to do with your insecurities over his porn watching....it bothers you at a gut level, you don't like it and it turns you off and makes you feel desperate as in what can I do to get him to stop!
This is not something that you have to work on. Regardless of what some of the folks on here are telling you, there are men who respect women and do not watch porn, the only time they may have done that is when they were young and trying to learn what sex is all about and when they are not in a sexual relationship. Once they are, it is time to grow up and respect the woman they have chosen. Some couples both like porn watching together, but many do not and you do not have to compromise your core values or get over your feelings to be with this guy.
If he was capable of deeply loving you, he would stop and he would respect your feelings and have eyes only for you. Really he is acting like an addicted 13 year old boy, he isn't behaving like a man at all, and behaving like a man does not mean he should do what men do or that men are different than women. Of course they are different, and it is his job to make you feel cherished and you don't when he is watching porn and lieing about it. End of story. You decide, pretend you don't feel what you do, stuff your feelings down inside and tell yourself you are "working on it" or reading the riot act to this chump and if he doesn't understand what you want, leave him sitting at his computer with his dick in his hand. Sorry to be so blunt....but seriously, where is your spine?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): I feel that if two people have different opinions on this subject, they should probably not be together. You will continue to feel disrespected if he doesn't want to stop. If he knows how you feel about it, and if he cares about your feelings/views/morals more than his porn, he should respect that and factor them into his actions (hopefully as you would if there was something you did that conflicted with his feelings/views/morals). It's about priorities. If this man cares about you deeply, he will sacrifice his porn usage as it seems to conflict with your values and feelings. I disagree with people who say 'just deal with it'. I don't think anyone should have to compromise themselves (core fundamental beliefs), no matter what they believe in. Yes, he may love you in his way, but is it the way you need to be loved?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): No matter what anymore says-- everyone does it at some point. He has not committed the crime of the century be confident that u can give him what a computer cant
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reader, duskyrowe +, writes (4 June 2008):
You are a very attractive girl, judging by your picture.
Why on earth does he want to look at ugly fake boobed dogs getting it on when he has a lovely looking girl like you?
I say dump him and look for a guy who will only have eyes for you.
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reader, Star_07 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Like I said before, trust is a risk you have to take if you want this relationship to work. Yes, sometimes we all need a little encouragement but you know you also have to work on this. I would ask him to try to be patient with you as you are continuing to deal with your past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): Men younger than about 40 have 10 times the testosterone in their bodies than do women of the same age. They think about sex all the time. Sex does not equal love to men. Men can separate sex from love. Women sometimes use sex because they want love and affection, but the love that they get is usually more important than the sex. Watching sex to a man is just pure sexual excitement. Why do you think there so many female prostitutes and very few male ones. It’s because of the way that men and women look at sex differently for the most part. Your boyfriend’s need for sexual excitement from porn has nothing to do with his love for you.
My wife and I have been together for more than 29 years. We are in our 60s and we still have sex several times a week. I have also looked at porn for all of those years. We sometimes watch it together. She knows that I watch it alone most of the time and doesn’t care. She doesn’t care because she knows that it is still her who I want to have sex with. No, let me rephrase that. It is still her who I want to make love to. She knows that and doesn’t care less that I watch it or even if I have a fantasy about having sex with one of those women. Actually, I have trouble having a fantasy about being with one of those women. Why? Because they and the sex that is being depicted is so fake. Some of the amateur porn is more real, but not by a lot.
I think that the main problem is that he lied to you about it. However, he probably lied to you because he knew how you would react. I have never had to lie to my wife about it. We began watching it together shortly after we started dating. It was a turn on for both of us. I’m not defending his lying, as I think that is a problem with any relationship. Honesty is very important in any relationship. If your relationship continues you will face many problems over the years. This is a minor one. My wife and I have gone through many problems and they became real problems only when we didn’t talk about them.
Recently I have been diagnosed with low testosterone. That can cause many problems in both men and women. I had several of the symptoms of low T. One of the symptoms is occasional depression and non-normal thoughts. For some reason I suddenly had this desire to have an affair a couple of months ago. I never had the slightest thought of that in 29 years. What did I do about it? I told my wife about it and we talked about it trying to understand why it all of a sudden popped up. Our sex and our relationship was great at the time. I did a lot or reading and found the testosterone connection. I talked to my doc and he tested me and found it low. Now that I started treatment that thought is going away. If that happens to whoever your husband is many years down the road, would you want him to be able to talk to you about his problem or would you want him to either suffer with his problem or go out and actually have an affair? When this happened I also had a lessened desire for sex and no desire for porn. My wife easily noticed that.
On the suggestion to get a new boyfriend who doesn’t ever watch porn. Well, all I can say is “good luck”. Not that you never will, but it’s unlikely as most men watch it to some extent. However, allow me to repeat what Tisha has said: “If he's ignoring you, staying up all hours, skipping work, paying money he doesn't have for porn sites, trying to meet other sex partners on line or in real life, losing friends and family to this, THEN he has a problem.” Yeah, then he has a real problem and needs help with his problem. If that is the case then you have to decide whether to leave him or stay and help him. However, if he has none of those signs then I think you need to understand better and try to accept it as normal male behavior.
Does he want to have sex with you a lot? If so, would you rather that he had no need to watch porn because of a diminished sex drive? How about if his diminished sex drive also resulted in him also not wanting sex with you? I’m sure that there are some men who want to have sex 6 times a day and have never watched a minute of porn in their lives, but I doubt that you can find one of those.
Ultimately, it is your decision of want to do. You have gotten many varied opinions in the great amount of answers to your question. You need to reread all of the advice and decide what you want to do. Don’t be too hasty in your decision though. Take the time to think about it and make the correct decision. The correct decision is not what I or any other single person has said, but what you decide is best for you. Good luck.
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reader, Heidi328 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i have issues with my dad leaving my mom and my firsy love leaving me, the last time we talked, i told him about these things being the reasons for my insecurities and that i needed to work on them. and i would. He listened, he doesnt communicate very well, cuz he believes everytime i want to talk about something its not a big deal cuz i end up crying and i guess he's over it. thats when i realized i need to relax and just be happy and if he tells me he loves me and loves me the same to believe him.
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reader, Star_07 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Like I told you in my message. It has nothing to do with how hot you are!
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reader, Star_07 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Haha. StudentofLife has a similar explanation my boyfriend gave me. He said he isnt thinking-its like duh?
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reader, Heidi328 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i know im attractive, as my boyfriend tells me i'm hot, and his friends think i'm "hot." then if I am, then why the porn?
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reader, Star_07 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Have you asked yourself, "why do I fear him leaving me?"
Has someone that meant a great deal to you, abandoned you?
Trust is a risk. You have to take a risk in trusting someone. Even if your heart is broken, you have to be willing to take that "leap of faith" again-maybe not with the same person but I think you know what I mean.
I think you should consider why you feel so insecure about this and when you discover the "why" you can talk to your boyfriend about this. As an example, I told my boyfriend about why I react the way I do and it will take me a long time to re-learn things and there are some things I may NEVER get over-that is my problem not his.
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reader, StudentOfLife +, writes (4 June 2008):
 The way that I see it is that you feel as if you're not attractive and unwanted when he does it right? (My girlfriend once admitted that's what she felt at first)
It's just something I liked to do, just like playing cards with friends or watching the game. I'm not taking his sides, I'm just telling you my point of you on the subject.
Maybe you just need to be reassured by your Boyfriend ...
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reader, Heidi328 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell the arguments were about me worying all the time, that he would leave me, if i could trust him, he's a good guy, dont think he would do anyting to hurt me serious.i was bothered that i frustrated him with my persistant need for re assurance that he was happy with me. I just worry a lot. I started to get on his nerves i think with the neediness. but i told him i would work on it and he said okay. all seems fine, but i still worry that he doesnt love me the same now. I ask him if he did and he says yes with a sigh like i already know the answer. nut i am working on it. I've been really good. I'm learning to relax and just be secure.
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reader, Star_07 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Not necessarily!
I am guessing that your boyfriend is around the same age, correct? And maybe this is the first time he has been confronted with this issue. My boyfriend did not lie to me about the porn but I think it's b/c he has been through this before. If he is re-assuring you that he loves you and he still wants to marry you someday, then he is not saying F-U. My boyfriend COMPLETELY understands how I feel about porn and he is still looking. And he plans on spending his life with me and having a family with me...
It just takes a little experience to know how to deal with things and if he hasnt had to deal with this than his reaction is understandable. I would take a closer look at the issues that cause arguments. Are those big or small?
You have to pick your battles in life and sometimes it isnt worth fighting for.
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reader, Heidi328 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionman, now i am a litle confused. That one guy said i should get a new guy. Im trying not to make a big deal with this but i cant understand why he just couldnt stop. even he said it wasnt a big deal and he would stop. he laughed about that fact that i was making a big deal of it but he said he would stop when i told him it hurt me. he sais he has never heard of a girl having a problem with it. he was genuinly surprised. Now that he did it again should i take that as him saying a big f-you to my feelings?
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reader, Star_07 +, writes (4 June 2008):
I wish I wasn't so emotional as well!
The thing I have been working on over the past year or two is controlling my emotions. If I dont cry then I sob. My boyfriend can tell if something is wrong because it is written all over my face!
But I believe I am getting better and also feel better about the situation. The thing with me is that I had a bad relationship for 8 years so I am re-learning how to react. I have a normal guy now and it's hard to overcome some of the things I was put through-and the porn thing came up with my ex boyfriend but he was cruel to me.
Although I wish I hadn't gone through all of that, I learned that there is huge difference between occasional porn use and serious problems related to porn as well as truely trying to hurt someone.
Your boyfriend is probably being honest about avoiding saying certain things because of how you react. That shows he really does care about your feelings! As long as he is being honest with you (other than this particular incident) then I think you just need to focus on how you will handle things that come up in the future as you can only control yourself.
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reader, Heidi328 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i already told him to be honest with everything since he told me he doesnt say some things to me cuz of my reactions. I'm very sensitive and get offended easily. He knows that. ive been working on it, I told him I would about making big deals out of nothing. I though it meant he wasnt happy cuz he looks at porn. He says he is happy with me when i ask him and that he loves me and wants to marry me one day still. But i worry way too much about things. like if we argue, that he wont love me anymore.I'm trying to relax, but since finding it again on the comp it upset me all over again. I wish i wasnt so emotional.
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reader, Star_07 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Yes, I think being lied to hurts more than the actual deed. If you were to bring it up again, dont sob or cry. Just tell him that you were hurt that he lied to you about it. And that you would appreciate him being honest from now on!
For your sake, the next time you find porn on the computer don't go running to him. Try the pep talk! I really hope you can overcome this. It's our insecurities that lead us down this road. Also, we are not like men, we don't go searching for naked men b/c we need an emotional connection. That doesnt mean we cant spot a hot guy but we just dont have the desire to seek them out. Eye candy, thats all it is. And you are the sweetest candy he could possibly want, remember that!
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reader, Susan Strict +, writes (4 June 2008):
 *sigh*
Stop feeling insecure. Men ARE strange. We probably wouldn't love them if they weren't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): I'm afraid I still really do think you're overreacting.
It's very difficult for us to understand this thing which many men have for porn, but what I have gathered from men I've spoken to IS that the women in these films are objects - one guy compared porn to a vibrator, and I see where he was coming from.
Why don't you watch some with him? It might help you try to understand what the attraction to it is.
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reader, Heidi328 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStar 07, I find that your advice was comforting and logical. I guess i just feel insecure about not being enough for him. i am really hurt about being lied to. We just had a talk about being honest with EVERYTHING. thats what hurts too. I know if i bring this up again he will blow up probably. I have to convince myself that he loves me just the same with or without his need of porn. seems strange to me though.
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reader, Susan Strict +, writes (4 June 2008):
Because men and women are DIFFERENT.
Our emotions aren't like theirs. Our sexdrive isn't like theirs. Our hormones aren't like theirs.
The hurt you feel is in your head, not in his actions. He doesn't love you any less because he looks at porn, and he doesn't love you any less because he didn't want to tell you about it.
You are expecting him to feel exactly the same as you about sexuality, and it just doesn't work. Men, most men, are just MEN. They can't help that. Some of them manage to hide it and avoid it, but it's still in their heads and nothing you can say or do will ever change that. A man's emotions and sexuality will NEVER be exactly like ours (thank God).
No, he wouldn't "stop if he really loved you". He might stop if you scare him enough and often enough, and then he will always resent it. How about considering what YOU would do if you really loved HIM?
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reader, Star_07 +, writes (4 June 2008):
I completely understand!
I have a great realtionship with my boyfriend as well and if anyone in our relationship is going to turn down sex, it would be him! I am the one always wanting it although I have learned to be patient and when he is willing I just take the opportunity...and he STILL looks at porn!
In my situation, it's not that he looks at porn everyday...only once in a while. So, I still get upset by it and have those questions in my mind "Is that what he wants? Am I not sexy enough?" But I dont let him know these things anymore. I have already confronted him and told him how I feel and I think at this point, it's not worth crying over or worrying about.
It's up to you how you will handle this but it seems to me that if everything is great with you and your man, then you might consider giving yourself a pep talk.
When you feel upset..tell yourself how great you are and those women cant compare to you, you can ravish him like no other. Talk yourself up and try not to think rediculous things, thats what works for me!
Take Care!
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2008):
This is probably one of the things that women just don't understand about men, and likely causes more upset than actually needs to happen. Calm down, you're in a good relationship if everything else is working well between you two.
Men are visual creatures, simple souls, most of them, and just like to look at attractive girls, preferably with no clothes on. For the most part, it's harmless fantasy, just filling a little gap in the psyche. It has nothing to do with you, I know that sounds strange, but it truly doesn't. Maybe that's what's upsetting you, that you want to be his one and only ever fantasy. And my dear, sorry as I am to report, that is YOUR fantasy, that this can be the reality.
If he's ignoring you, staying up all hours, skipping work, paying money he doesn't have for porn sites, trying to meet other sex partners on line or in real life, losing friends and family to this, THEN he has a problem. But it sounds like he just likes to look at sexy stuff on the internet.
Please read this older post for more insight and help with your feelings.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/today-i-came-across-lots-porn-in-his.html
Then come back after you've had a good think and have calmed down enough to be a bit more rational, and post again. It's a surprise for you I'm sure to find this out about your man, but it is not the end of the world, nor does it mean you're not his #1 woman. Okay?
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reader, Heidi328 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm trying not to over react, i just dont get why he looks at it if we have an active and enjoyable sex life. I could do it any time of the day, however many times he wants! I've never turned it down. Does it mean he's bored with me? weve been living together for about 2 months now, so he can have it anytime he wants! whats disturbing is that most of them are teens and stuff in the porn.
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reader, Heidi328 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm trying not to over react, i just dont get why he looks at it if we have an active and enjoyable sex life. I could do it any time of the day, however many times he wants! I've never turned it down. Does it mean he's bored with me? weve been living together for about 2 months now, so he can have it anytime he wants! whats disturbing is that most of them are teens and stuff in the porn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): It doesn't mean he doesn't love you if he views porn. That said, it is disrespectful to you. He has a real live girlfriend and he would rather spend his time downloading porn off the internet. For some guys this becomes a real addiction, hence the defensive stances you see here on this page from the male "aunts", porn has become more mainstream due to the internet, but it does not make it right to do especially when you are either married or in a relationship. It was disrespectful 20 years ago as it is today.
It is kind of gross really, when you think about how a guy needs that to get off, if he had a brain in his head or an ounce of creativity, he would be able to set the stage and carry out a very sexually fullfilling time with you without the aid of porn.
It is just his little masturbatory fantasy and had nothing to do with you, other than it is disregarding your feelings when he does that so often instead of spending his time on more productive pursuits.
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reader, Heidi328 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Heidi328 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, it bothers me because i think I should be the one to be his ultimate sexual fantasy. I dont need to look at naked guys to get off so why does he need to look at naked girls? It's confusing. If he really loved me wouldnt he stop? I guess he just doesnt care? we have sex quite often , actually i have a very high sex drive, so I just dont understand. When i had asked him about why guys do it he said cuz porn is "cool." how stupid is that? I am so hurt i havebeen cryig all morning over it.
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reader, StudentOfLife +, writes (4 June 2008):
The reason why he lied to you was probably because he knew you would react like that.
I don't quite understand why some people get mad when their mate looks at porn. I was actually happy when my girl was watching some because who do you think was going to satisfy her afterwards?
Even when you're in a relationship with someone you love with all your heart, it's still fun to watch porn and do it "by yourself" once in a while.
My girl knew from the start that I like watching porn. Do you know what she did about it? She took pictures of herself and sended them to me. When she did that, I felt understood and loved. The same night, I drove to her place and made love to her.
We used to watch some together, and started talking about our preferences and stuff. I think it actually helped us to have a more intense sexual relationship.
If you were my girl, I wouldn't like you to bring this up to the table again unless you want to apologize.
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reader, TELLULAH +, writes (4 June 2008):
This has nothing to do with his love for you honey. He is just a Guy being a Guy. Why does it hurt you so much, do you fell threatened by him watching porn?. Unfortunatly there are an awfull lot of guys that do look at this and they wont stop even though they say they will.
You need to talk to him and tell him how this upsets you, and that you cant stand him doing it. Maybe he will be the odd one that will stop.
But if everything else is ok with you both, couldnt you just let him get it out of his system. He will get bored looking at it eventually.
XX
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): I can tell you're very hurt like by this. I'm sorry you're finding it so upsetting.
It must have been very hurtful being lied to.
He probably just said that he wouldn't watch porn any more because he probably didn't like to see you upset but it still hasn't changed his personal opinion on porn.
If you're so upset by it and it's making you stressed then you should bring it up again. Tell him why it is upsetting you so much and how it makes you feel.
I don't think that this lie means that he doesn't love you anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): Almost all men look at porn. He probably told you he didn't because he knew this is how you'd react.
I've enquired in the past of guys as to why they look at it, and they've all said in their answer that they don't really see the women as 'real', which frankly, they aren't really.
It's not a big deal, try to calm down, and DON'T confront him over it again, you are overreacting, and it will not help in the slightest.
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