A
female
age
36-40,
*ishdish
writes:This question may be asked a little too late, but I'll go into it anyway. Do you ever question your love for your partner, or do you think this necessarily means that you don't love the person? I feel strongly, and believe I care deeply for my partner, hope to be with him til the end, but do go through these periods where I get anxious about our (3 year) relationship. a lot of times my doubts surface with other periods of unrest in my life, and I used to be able to attribute our long distance to explain my insecurity, but now we're only 4 hr away from each other,...now I'm thinking maybe this is just an adjustment that I haven't gotten used to yet, and even though I want to be here and came here namely to be closer to him, it may still put a strain on the relationship, and I have to adapt but in the meantime have to ask myself all these questions. usually during these episodes I get really critical of myself, I get nervous I don't love my bf enough-- a t worst, I sometimes feel indifference or that we're best friends that I have intimate relations with and I freak out to myself, 'what's up with that?' when I try to explore the doubts I have I do this weird quantifying thing where I try to calculate my love for him (feeling entirely comfortable with him and comfortable being myself in front of him + feeling happy + having a healthy sex life+ enjoying our adventures together+ looking forward to being and becoming a family=?)and wonder if that is enough or if I am settling, or if I'm just being a sucker for the ideal of love, which I believe to a significant degree is a lot of bs. or I'd stress about the fact that I think of myself still as an "i" than a "we" sometimes. Then after whatever period of questioning it's followed by nervousness that to have any doubts to begin with is a sign it's not meant to be and that if my love isn't a constant then it's not really love, do you feel that's true? Is it "normal" to continually evaluate your feelings or does it mean somethings' wrong? There was a time where I went into depth with these doubts to the point of panick and addressed it with him, it broke us up for about a week. since then I have suppressed or dismissed the questions until their relevance would pass because we would have good times. but we had a minor fight where he got really mad at me and accused me that something was off and I sort of suggested that I do this questioning thing still if that's what he means and he thought I was "over" that not being sure thing so he took the reigns and said if I don't even know what I want it should be over then basically...I don't even feel like that though, I want us to be together, and that I don't feel love for him, I just get anxious sometimes. I'm hoping I can talk it over with him a little, I don't want to lose him. I'm hoping for just...some assurance, from those who have been together for a while that this is normal, or convince me that it's not, I suppose.
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best friend, long distance, period, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Dr Vendetta  +, writes (26 November 2008):
 Love is that level of comfort and trust that we each place in that one single person. some more than others.
the one thing i noticed that compeletly lacked in your post is how your bf feels. or what he has done for the good of the relationship. if there isn't a fine balance in the relationshp then things will never be stable.
Sadly long distance rarely works out. i say this to so many people, because i have learnt from personal experience. there are too many unforseen factors and anyone who says that doesn't matter and that love will conqure all is full of snot.
Love is not a silverer screened hollywood ideal.
there is no knight in shining armour.
theres no romance that will sweep you off your feet.
and theres no happy every after while riding off into the sunset..
There is.. for the first 3 weeks.. tis knowen as the honeymoon period.
if you this relationship isn't working and you find yourself questioning it more and more... take a break from it. get your head clear.
you clear have doubts about the relationship, trying to rationalise your love for him and adding up the cost to convince yourself that you're in the relationship for the right reasons.. if you don;t know what you want or what you need then its time to take a break and get your own life on track before becoming apart of a team.
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (24 November 2008):
 What I meant was that if you dismiss a small twinge of self-doubt, you are making a mistake. That little twinge is usually the harbinger of a full-blown crisis. You have to go right through the process of contemplating a total break-up with your partner before you come back to normal and realise that there was absolutely no need for all that emotional drama. It seems to be cyclical. At least, that is the kind of thing I experience. Maybe you're lucky enough not to have these crises.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (23 November 2008):
fishdish is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks so much for the support, I was really stressing out. I don't really understand your second comment though, are you saying that once it seems off it never gets back to 'normal'?
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (19 November 2008):
Also, the onset of misgivings is usually the start of a crisis. You suddenly notice a bit of a cooling and think, "It'll pass". Instead, it gets worse and worse. You have to wait for the whole thing to hit a trough, then rebound, before you start feeling better.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (19 November 2008):
A tough question, and one I sympathise with. It's a variation of the old "What is love?" question.
I am the worst person in the world to answer this question, because I also have had doubts about every relationship I've been in. And it tends to depend on my mood, my sexual feelings, my feelings about the world, just as you say.
Another problem is that "being in love" normally doesn't last that long. By which I mean that the big chemical high from the first phase of a love affair will eventually fade. If you keep chasing that big romantic high, you will probably have to keep changing partners, because all relationships gradually calm down. That's when you need something more than the initial attraction to keep it going. Things like commitment, friendship, companionship, compatibility, and good sex.
Sorry I haven't answered your question. Just want you to know you're not alone.
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