A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a guy for 3 months. He tells me he loves me, is caring and helps me out. He has been very romantic organising trips away and I genuinely believe he loves me.However he uses very inappropriate language and has a frankly vulgar sense of humour. He jokingly calls me a bitch when I tease him or does word plays on words like whore or ho with me (callingdme those names inevitably). I have pulled him on it a number of times and he said he tries to cut it out but occasionally it still slips out. He views it as a joke and though he does try to cut it out I don't think he understands how offensive it can be. But he said he is trying to become a better person. I must add he is 33.I told my best friend who was horrified and I indicated I should end it as the language is disrespectful. I have spoken to him, he is trying to change but is this a sign our relationship is doomed?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015): I would not like that. I often use profanity in my daily conversation but I don't call my friends or lovers names of a profane nature. Well like my girl friends, we often call each other names. Bitch and whatnot. But guys are different. I've been called a bitch by a guy friend but it's been playful or referring to a specific situation. Definitely not someone I am dating. If I were dating a guy like that my friends would be horrified, too. I don't know how much you like him, but if you plan on continuing this relationship I would be very firm with him. And say, I do not like when you call me names. I find it extremely offensive. And it's turning me off. I like you but if you can't find a nicer way to express yourself, this is going to be a deal breaker. Yeah that's not cute or cool. It's pretty despicable.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015): You set the boundaries and draw the line where you feel comfortable as being referred to as a "ho/whore" or a "bitch."
I can think of a million ways to be funny; and referring to the ladies I know in that way isn't one of them.
A respectful guy has his own built-in censorship mechanism; and doesn't have to be reminded how to behave and speak in the presence of a lady. There's being playful; then there is the underlying fact he uses these terms in normal everyday-language. That's his preferred reference to females when speaking to his mates. He lacks class and sophistication.
However; I do refer to my fellow gay men that way, because they truly can be! They often use those awful references pertaining to women; by which I am able to conclude it takes one to know one.
I think that pretty much defines his opinion of women in general. It seems vulgarity is too much of a bad habit. It may also be a clear indication that he has no true respect for you, or women as a whole.
When you have to constantly remind a man to respect you; doesn't that send-up a red-flag this guy has very low regard for women? That ought to be a deal-breaker.
Imagine what he'll call you when he's angry!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015): Are you the same woman asking for advice about the Italian boyfriend who seems disproportionately hung up on appreciating the appearance of other women and whose previous partners were all "models" - but hey, you broke the mould as you make him laugh?I commented on your post. I had a feeling that there was maybe a little more to it than met the eye, although as someone said, describing a relationship online is never going to give a completely full picture of all its subtle nuances.However, boom.... for me, your follow-up post was a like a red flag waving to a bull. As HoneyPie said, NOBODY gets to call her names like that. In my own personal experience after being with an abusive man who started out just like this, always admiring others, lusting with his eyes, "jokingly" calling me a "slut", a "bitch", a "stupid cow" - and then following it all up with "you're just so sensitive, I was ONLY joking" - well sorry to tell you but this is exactly how a LOT of abusers start out and it only gets worse. Know why? They are testing the waters so to speak, to see how much crap you will tolerate from them early on and to see whether you respect yourself or not. Then they will start with something else or up the abuse ante. Of course it's all in the name of helping you, making you laugh, because you're too serious to take a joke.Thing is though, if he is attracted to you BECAUSE you have a great sense of humour, then surely he can at the VERY LEAST appreciate that you have already told him you don't like his crap talk and it has to stop.If I were you, I'd sit down and really have a good soul searching session about how this new relationship makes you feel about yourself. Are you feeling happier than before you met him? Are you feeling GOOD about yourself? You're certainly not happy and this is VERY early days not to feel happy. Maybe there's a very good reason why he chose you. Nobody else would have him - and I don't mean this in the you are not worthy sense - what I mean is, other women wised up to his crap talk and bad behaviour faster than you have and didn't hang around for second helpings. At the moment you are and he's getting away with behaving like a turd.My suggestion? Give it another few weeks and if he keeps acting like an ass-clown, wave him bye bye. I get the feeling he has an ego the size of the Eiffel Tower and he may take it badly, but that's his problem. If he REALLY cares about you, he'll stop being insulting, whether it's his poor idea of humour or not, and start behaving like a man who does!!
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (8 February 2015):
Dear OP,
Science suggests that there is one thing to predict whether a couple is going to be happy together: Values.
If two people have the same values on many topics, they can make a happy couple. If their values are too different, they are going to be unhappy.
You are together with a man who seems to have different values when it comes to expressing himself. He won't be happy adapting to your values, and vice versa. Maybe there are women who would find this behaviour funny, and reply with equally stupid jokes about dick, penis, pimp etc.
But you're not this woman and if he thinks he needs to become "better" for you, it's kind of sad in the long run. It means he'll always be out of his comfort zone - or you'll feel hurt.
I can't answer your question. But it would be wise to see if your values fit when it comes to communication, expressing feelings, love etc. I must admit you two don't sound too compatible, but it could be distorted, as a post on the internet doesn't represent well a whole relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 February 2015):
 No one gets to call me a whore or a bitch, not even for fun. But if this is a person who doesn't have English as their first language, there is a difference and I will tell you why.
I can say (I choose not to) ANY 4 letter word in English and it doesn't bother me at all. The words don't have the same "power" as the equivalent in my native tongue (and may I add I don't swear in my native tongue either).
That doesn't EXCUSE his choice of words. AT ALL. Because he could... CHOOSE to not use them.
I DO know that when I started talking English ALL the time (happens when you live in a English speaking country) the slang you pick up, tends to stick with you. You can still filter which you will use and which you won't.
When you first learn a new language, swear words are some of the first you learn. Some like to use them for the shock value, others because they just don't recognize them as "bad" words.
HE DOES know how offensive those words are, YOU have told him SEVERAL TIMES.
My advice LEARN some words in HIS language (not from him) and if he calls you a bitch, use one of "his" for dumbass or moron, see how he likes it. THAT might actually make him see that it's NOT about the language it's the Power of the WORD.
And let's not forget that there ARE people out there who uses "bitch" (or other derogatory terms) as a "endearing" nickname. (And I think they do it to take the "power" out of the word.) So if using Bitch as a term of endearment, you make it non-offensive word - if you get my point - HOWEVER that doesn't pertain to your BF.
Maybe just stop and walk away each time he uses inappropriate language?
If this is about the same Italian guy, I think you should end it, you are NIT PICKING the guy to pieces and it's only been 3 months.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015): Okay ill bite. I am a guy and growing with more women in my daily life then man. i learned from both sides to always respect who ever you involve yourself with, with the same respect you expact for your self. I have had friends who Openly have and will openly do this to there actual women and the ones they date. It is disrespectful. see it as a form of future abuse you start out with just a mere disrespectful verbal abuse as a joke. Then the next step well you see where im getting at it seems to be a form of planned future dominance. He will then get away with a lot of things. Leaving you stuck with the burden on questioning yourself. If it is you that is the bad person.Getting to the point he is 33 years old. This guy is not joking with you. He intentionally does it as well. Im not saying just jet but think things threw. You seem blind right now. I hope this helps. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 February 2015):
 This is the Italian guy you are talking about, who also comments on beautiful women too much to your taste. I have a feeling he is either trying too hard to be British and he has being jittery doesn't help when he has limited word choice. Or, it's just him and not about his country because I can't imagine all foreigners being this way. I don't think this is more about him having bad impulse control, and not him being verbally abusive. I can't help but think if he has a problem with women. Maybe he is not used to seeing women as equal partners but more like objects in the past. I know you want to give him a chance because he is otherwise nice to you. Let's see if he is making progress. If he's not making enough progress to your liking then he has to learn it the hard way by losing you.
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