A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a question about something my boyfriend said, but here's some background first: I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We're both the type who are marriage minded, and he has said he is dating me with the end goal of marriage. There's only a rough timeline, however, and he hasn't proposed, and we haven't discussed actual marriage yet, e.g. dates.I don't have a problem with that, in particular, because I'm not in a rush to get married. I just need to know that I'm not wasting time with someone who's not likely to settle down.... So this is what he said: we were talking about kids these days (ha, grouch subjects, I know), and I mentioned a teen who was very well-mannered and insisted he walk me to my car in a bad neighborhood (I was helping his mother with something related to business, that's how I knew him). My boyfriend then said, "You can always raise your kids to be well mannered, too."I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, but it seems he's not thinking about a future with me since he used terms like " your" kids? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2015): Hi, I'm the OP. To clarify I meant "grouch subject" as in the whole "kids these days" spiel is a pretty grouchy approach to looking at kids/teens... You know, the approach by stereotypical grumps on the porch getting all angry, while yelling at the kids to get off the lawn. Ok. Bad joke. In any case, I was just saying there are some really good kids out there. But he wasn't being grouchy himself, we were just talking about how some kids (teens) don't seem to know better re basic social graces and then ended the conversation the way I described. Anyway, no we generally don't talk about kids in terms of "our kids." But we have had the kids talk- we both want children and even discussed numbers. Which is why it's weird. If I'm over thinking it, then over thinking it, and I'll stop. I think in the back of my head I wonder if he has cold feet only because he's ten years older than me and has never had a girlfriend longer than six months. I'm his longest relationship (over a year). I may be deliberately looking for red flags which I know isn't good. Thank you, all!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 June 2015):
 I agree with Ciar, I think you are reading too much into it.
However, why is children a "grouch subject" - if he doesn't WANT kids and YOU do, then you ARE wasting your time with him. He isn't going to change his mind and I bet you, neither are you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 June 2015):
 Have you both been using the term "our" kids all along?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 June 2015):
 It doesn't mean he isn't, it's just a poor response to whatever you said beforehand. He could have said "our kids". It's a given that all responsible adults try their best to raise their kids to be well mannered, so to suggest that you do so is redundant, or it makes you think that you wouldn't otherwise. Kids should never be a grouch subject, but just that response makes it seem like it is, for him.
There's a balance between romance and being practical. Just from what you describe he's being too cautious, and I wonder what inspires him to get married besides no drama and his life not made complicated. I think I would appreciate someone more lighthearted and positive than that.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (28 June 2015):
 You're reading too much into it. The topic was your children compared to HER children, not your children compared to his children.
That's my interpretation anyway.
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