A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a muddle. I am an Australian girl just 25. I have been in a relationship with an older man for four years now, he is 42. I am worried he still loves his ex wife. He gives me every reason to be suspicious. he never talks to her infront of me, turns to her for advice, and once he called me by her name(but this wasnt in bed) they have three kids together and was mnarried for 13 years. She cheated on him and now she is engaged to the man she is with. She will not pay for her half of her divorce and is trying to take him for all he is worth. He too refuses to get a divorce. He has not commited to me further than been my boyfriend. Gets all defensive when i mention the fact that I want to get married or even hint at the fact we could get engaged he tells me to wait until he is divorced. I am not sure if i am waisting my time here and i am not sure if he does love her still and is using me as a replacment. Please help me...am i paranoid?? help please. Thanks Indie.
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divorce, engaged, ex-wife, his ex, older man Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): love is tough: she cheated on him, not vice versa. And it sounds like he still loves her, point blank. I am sure he needs a little comfort while he is going through this right now, but it definately sounds like he is in love with her. I am having the same problem with my ex-fiance and my ex-bf(currently living with me) of 5 years and 3 kids w/him. While the circumstances are completely different (my ex-bf is abusive), I will not speak with my ex-fiance while I am with my ex--bf because I don't want him to hear how I speak with him. Yes, I am trying to hide that I love my ex-fiance from my ex-bf because I don't want to hurt his feelings even though ex-bf treated me like crap. The best and healthiest thing for you to do would be to move on because you are so young and have so many options available to you and you don't deserve to be tied up in this. Move on, and I really hope this helps:)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): What I don't understand is why would he be so friendly with her if she cheat, wont corporate with a divorce, and is tryinto get him for everything he's got? I understand the being co-parents and getting alone for that reason. But why is he asking her for advice? Also if he doesn't want the divorce that mean he wants to be married to her. Its that simple
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): You need to confront him staraight.
If you don't get an answer you will be left wondering until your relationship deteriorates
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Can't quite tell by the information you have provided if he still loves her or not. What is very apparent, however, is that he has quite a bit of baggage that has yet to be resolved. He has alot of legit reasons to still be in communication with this woman. He is still going through a nasty divorce. He has three children in common with her. The guy is in an unstable position in his life. I don't think that means he still loves her, he is just got alot going on.
I don't think it is necessarily true that if he talks with her in private it means that he has feelings for her. Maybe he is trying to protect your feelings. There is probably stuff he doesn't want you to hear or know about because divorce and separation can get ugly. He doesn't want you to judge him or think he is a jerk. He doesn't want you to see that side of him, perhaps. He may not want you to hear the arguments, the bribes, the insults, understandably. They probably have assets in common, money is probably an issue much more than love at this point.
And if he is still asking her for advice, understand that she is the mother of his three kids. I suppose she probably still has custody of them. He probably pays money towards their care. It is wise that they communicate and as long as his kids are in her care he is going to want to communicate with her, hear out what she thinks or has to say about things. In doing this he is probably thinking more about his children's well being than about her.
I could be wrong, but that is what sounds most likely based on the information you have provided and based on the realities of divorce in general.
On the other hand, four years is a long time and he needs to start putting all this to a close, ending this chapter once and for all in order to move on with his life and with you. Perhaps he refuses to get a divorce because she wants to pin him down with all the costs. Sounds like he is in a really tough and spiteful position and unfortunately you are not getting your needs met because of all this drama and baggage that is not even yours to begin with. But it is up to you to decide how much more you can tolerate. You are very young. You don't need to take this. You have to decide whether it is worth it to you to stick around for all this. If it is then perhaps you can help him out with his dilemma. He needs to get himself a good lawyer and drag her to court. If she wants him to pay for any of her expenses he can counter sue her for all the costs, I mean she was the one who had an affair. Most courts are not favorable to the cheating spouse. Based on the facts, it sounds like this is a win win for him.
However if this is not something you want to deal with or feel you can overcome because he is stubborn and not considering your feelings, then you definitely should walk away. No questions. He is thinking of himself. You need to think of you. Perhaps you can give him an ultimatum. Tell him you love him but you are not getting your needs met and he is not doing his part in making that happen. Let him figure it out on his own and when he is in a more stable place in his life perhaps you both can pick up where you left off. You have many options. It is up to you.
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female
reader, bernergirl  +, writes (8 December 2010):
 I am sorry you are going through this. I went through something similar (not with the ex and children part) but my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years lost his house and I wanted to get married and have him move in with me and he said let him get through the house thing first. He ended up cheating on me 4 1/2 months later. The bottom line is he is going to have to deal with this lady for the rest of his life because of the children and he thinks you will always be there. I think if I would have said ok that's it, my boyfriend would have committed but probably would have cheated later on. I think you should try and move on. It will be tough but let him get his (you know what together) and then if it does happened it is supposed to be but I would hate for you to miss out on someone who is willing to give 100% of his focus on you! Good Luck!
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female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (8 December 2010):
I am sorry you are going through this. I went through something similar (not with the ex and children part) but my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years lost his house and I wanted to get married and have him move in with me and he said let him get through the house thing first. He ended up cheating on me 4 1/2 months later. The bottom line is he is going to have to deal with this lady for the rest of his life because of the children and he thinks you will always be there. I think if I would have said ok that's it, my boyfriend would have committed but probably would have cheated later on. I think you should try and move on. It will be tough but let him get his (you know what together) and then if it does happened it is supposed to be but I would hate for you to miss out on someone who is willing to give 100% of his focus on you! Good Luck!
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female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (8 December 2010):
 If she refuses to pay for the divorce and he also refuse to GET the the divorce then what is left? You hanging.ijs!
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